


Uncomfortable Shoes

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Adventure, Angst, F/M, Mild sexual references and violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 03:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 45,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14803466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: Back on earth, Chakotay marries Seven and Kathryn has a new boyfriend. He soon dislikes this man rather too intensely and begins to wonder whether past mistakes will come back to haunt him.Setting: Post-Endgame





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on an idea by Barri-Ann, which has percolated for over two years before I finally motivated myself to write it down. This is the result. Now I look at her original premise, I realise I have deviated somewhat. I'm sure this is nothing like what she envisaged.

January 2378

  


The first time Chakotay set eyes on Commodore Lars Petersson was at the Voyager welcome home ball. He didn't instantly take a dislike to the man, but it did not take long to decide he was arrogant, self-serving and possibly a little ruthless. At that point in time, Chakotay would not have put his gut reaction down to jealousy. He had, after all, brought his own very beautiful escort to the ball, his girlfriend, Seven of Nine. However, it didn't help that Commodore Petersson was instantly attracted to the now Admiral Janeway, who stood in the centre of a group of eminent admirers on the far side of the room, lapping up the attention with an amazing degree of confidence and poise. 

Chakotay had been leaning against a pillar watching his former Captain with a measure of regret. The regret was not about his relationship with Seven, which was progressing rather well. No, it was about the way his last personal conversation with Kathryn had gone. It seemed that it had cost him, at least for the time being, his close friendship with the woman he had admired so deeply for seven years. He understood her response. He understood that his growing closeness to Seven would serve to distance him somewhat from his former friend, but he certainly wished it otherwise. 

His eyes were a little unfocused as he admired the object of his thoughts from a distance. She was wearing a glittering long white dress, which showed her slender neck beautifully and contrasted with her glorious rich hair piled softly on her head. She must have grown it a little since they had got home, he supposed. She looked undeniably beautiful, and he was obviously not the only one who thought so, judging by the amount of attention she was getting. She seemed to have the crusty old admirals eating out of her hand. Hell, they weren't all that crusty, he had to admit. Some of them were a bit younger, potential boyfriend material maybe. She'd even danced with some of them. Chakotay knew he didn't dare ask her. Their relationship had been a little frosty during debriefings, and fortunately the crew (who normally would have insisted that they danced at a big gathering during their Voyager years) knew better that to insist at tonight's reception. Somehow, they must have sensed that in would be inappropriate, given his budding relationship with Seven of Nine. Maybe they even sensed the strained relationship between their former commanding officers. Whatever the reason, they had left well alone. Chakotay had had only a couple of dances with Seven, who had now forsaken him for the Doctor's superior skills. 

Voyager had arrived home in a blaze of glory, the Maquis exonerated and the Captain promoted. It had been a magnificent home-coming in almost every respect. The only thing that marred his complete happiness at the moment was his estrangement from Kathryn. He had been lost in thought about this, when he sensed someone move beside him, just the other side of the pillar. He turned to look at a handsome younger man. He looked about forty, maybe four or five years younger than Kathryn, but he had the exact same shade of hair as she did. His eyes were dark, yet sparkled with calculating interest. He was marginally shorter than Chakotay and of a strong vigorous build, but his eyes were focused on the exact same person as his own had been moments before. 

"Spectacular. That's one hell of an impressive woman!" the man began. 

Chakotay followed the man's gaze and settled back on Kathryn's smiling face across the room. 

"Yes." He had to agree. 

"Quite the heroine," Lars continued. "Starfleet are certainly revelling in the publicity. The woman who brought her crew home from the far reaches of the galaxy! Not only is she brave, fearless and irrepressible, but she's beautiful too." 

"Yes, she is," Chakotay said with a sigh. "And she deserves every accolade that comes her way." 

Lars nodded and finally looked at Chakotay, holding out his hand. "Lars Petersson, by the way. Commodore Lars Petersson." 

"Commodore?" Chakotay queried. 

"Diplomatic wing," Lars replied in a tone that didn't invite further questioning. 

Chakotay took the proffered hand and shook it. "Commander Chakotay." 

"Yes. I did recognise who you were," admitted Lars. "Pleased to meet you. Tell me, was she every bit as brilliant as they say she was? Did she really face down the Borg and send them away with their tails between their legs?" 

"You'd better believe it. And the Hirogen...the Vidiians...the Kazon..." 

Petersson smiled enigmatically and glanced back towards Kathryn Janeway. "She's smaller than I imagined, even in those shoes." 

Chakotay peered at the ballroom shoes Kathryn was wearing. They had impossibly high heels and looked very uncomfortable. He didn't know how she'd managed to dance in them. 

"Don't let that fool you. She's larger than life in every other respect..." 

"But so graceful. I would think her something of a dancer." 

"She did rather dazzle us with her ballet performances on talent night." 

"Now that I would pay a fortune to see! Commander Chakotay...could I prevail upon you to introduce me to her?" 

"I'm not sure if that is appropriate. We have barely introduced ourselves to each other." 

"Come now...we should not let that stand in our way. I would be delighted if we became better acquainted." 

"However, I'm sure you are perfectly capable of introducing yourself." 

"Still, I would appreciate your help in navigating a way through all those admirals, if you would oblige me. They are rather monopolising her and I am a mere Commodore, after all." 

Chakotay sighed in resignation. He decided the man intended to persist in his request. He placed the wine glass he was holding on to a nearby table. "Very well." 

Chakotay led the man across the dance floor, avoiding the few brave couples that were presently moving together to the slow rhythm. 

As they approached, Chakotay called her name softly. 

Kathryn looked towards them with a welcoming smile. Only Chakotay, who knew her so well, could tell the smile was not entirely genuine. His gut clenched for the loss of their former joyful relationship. His dating Seven had seen to that, together with their last meaningful conversation which he preferred not to dwell on. 

"Admiral..." he began, more formally, "May I introduce Commodore Lars Petersson? He tells me he is from Starfleet's diplomatic wing...but I'm afraid that's all I know about him at the moment. Perhaps you'll be able to glean more out of him than I have." 

Kathryn Janeway turned to the man at Chakotay's side and, after only a moment of hesitation, held her hand out to him with an interested and now very genuine smile. Lars Petersson took the proffered hand lifted it to his lips rather than shake it. He had instantly turned on the charm. The man was suave, handsome and charming, and Kathryn reacted in a way that he'd seen on rather too many occasions for his liking. She basked in his admiration, threw him a rather coquettish smile in return and drew closer to the man. 

"Admiral Janeway," opened Petersson in a voice dripping with sugar. "You've no idea what an honour it is to finally meet you. Your portraits hardly do you justice. You are quite the most beautiful woman here..." 

"Very pleased to meet you," she responded smoothly, eyes twinkling with interest and lapping up the attention of so handsome a man. "Commodore Petersson." 

"Lars, please," he insisted. 

"Sounds rather Scandinavian." 

"I have Swedish ancestry." 

"Oh...which part of Sweden do you come from? Seven of Nine has Swedish relatives, hasn't she, Chakotay? I assume you are not one of them." 

Chakotay nodded in agreement as Lars answered. "Just north of Stockholm...a little place called Vallentuna. And no...I am not related to Seven of Nine." 

"So you're a Commodore..." 

"That's right" 

"Diplomatic wing?" 

"That's right...although I have to be a little cautious in how much I reveal." 

"So you're going to go all mysterious on me?" she asked in wheedling tone and a sly grin that Chakotay had seen too many times before too. 

He decided rather reluctantly that Kathryn was as attracted to this stranger as he was to her. At that point he came to the conclusion he'd better get out of the way. He excused himself quickly and made his way back across the room. He didn't particularly want to witness the man's obsequious behaviour with Kathryn. For some reason, he found it rather annoying. The man was worming his way rather quickly into a place he'd occupied until very recently. And he'd already seen enough to know that she was interested. 

He retrieved his wine glass and struck up a few conversations with some of his former Voyager colleagues, but his eyes would stray in their direction occasionally. He felt unaccountably ill at ease over the situation. The couple were clearly getting on like a house on fire. Once Lars had started talking to her, nobody else had had a look in. He shouldn't feel jealous, he told himself. He'd had his chance and he'd chosen Seven, but this still didn't sit right with him. It would be ironic if time would prove that he'd been the one to introduce Kathryn to the love of her life. Now there was an uncomfortable thought! Chakotay tried to tamp down some bitter resentment , which he told himself he had no right to feel. No, it was just the loss of her friendship that was making him feel this way. He looked around for Seven, who had abandoned him for the last hour or so. He couldn't blame her. The Doctor was a better dancer, after all. When he spotted them together across the room, he decided that it was time to reclaim his girlfriend. He put his wine glass down again and strode towards her, trying hard not to notice that Kathryn and her new beau had taken to the floor as well. His irritation grew at this, for no reason that he could really account for, but fortunately his spirits were soon lifted as he took Seven into his arms after the Doctor reluctantly relinquished her. 

It was only later, as the early hours of the morning drew the ball to a close and he and Seven were preparing to depart, that he decided of whom Lars reminded him. Kashyk. 


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next few weeks, what Chakotay had first feared seemed to come to pass. Kathryn and Lars very quickly became a couple. He had no right to feel resentful...after all he was with Seven now. But he couldn't help a nasty feeling in his gut that Lars was entirely wrong for her. Was it a simple dislike for the man? Had he any real reason to distrust him other than that he reminded him of Kashyk? He was just the sort of man Kathryn, of course, would go for. Handsome, confident, suave with a hint of danger. As the weeks went by, his misgivings did not abate. He wondered if he should know better than to trust a dark haired Swede, who spoke none of the Scandinavian dialects as far as he could tell, and who avoided telling anyone all that much about himself. Kathryn, by all reports, seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the man's attention and had no reservations about trusting him. Perhaps he in turn should trust her instincts. After all, she'd always been one step ahead of Kashyk, despite the undeniable attraction between them. 

He tried to keep tabs on the situation, although it had to be from a discrete distance. He'd promised Kathryn he'd give her space, and in a way he regretted it. She would not take his dating advice very seriously after their last real conversation back in her Ready Room on the day Voyager arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant. That was weeks ago now, but the conversation was now burned in his memory. 

* * *

  


December 2377

  


She'd asked him in to speak to her, hours after their arrival, when the initial hoopla had begun to die down They'd all been extremely busy at first, Kathryn especially, but at some point she'd commed him to ask him to spare a few minutes before he went off duty. He was looking forward to an evening with Seven, but he couldn't begrudge his Captain his time while he was still on duty. 

Accordingly, he rang her chime and went in armed with all the post mission reports, which he assumed she was very anxious to get her hands on. 

Instead, she took them from him and dumped them unread on her desk. 

Rising from her seat, she led him down to the sofa under the window. There was a wonderful view of earth in the lower part of the window, a view that was totally beautiful. 

"Doesn't that look magnificent?" she asked. 

"Sure does." 

"Home, Chakotay! 

"Yes..." 

"We could stand here and admire the view all night...but...I want to talk to you about something. Can I get you a drink? Tea? Something stronger? We don't have to worry about replicator rations anymore." 

Chakotay briefly considered objecting because he knew Seven would be coming of duty any moment, but decided that Kathryn presumably had something important to say, so he'd better listen. 

"Tea would be very nice. Thank you!" 

"Take a seat," she told him turning to her replicator and ordering a tea and a coffee. When she turned around, bearing two mugs, he was already seated under the window with his head surrounded by the blue earth behind. She paused to admire the scenario with a small smile, handed him his tea and sat down beside him, cradling her coffee in her hand. 

"Are you going to the party tonight? Chell has it all organised...Tom being somewhat preoccupied." 

"I suppose he is. Have you been down to see the baby?" 

"Yes. Briefly. Miral is just beautiful. I'm so happy for them." 

"Yes, she is." 

"So are you going to the party?" 

"Yes," he said, shifting awkwardly and worrying that Kathryn was about to ask him to accompany her. 

"Are you taking Seven?" 

Chakotay drew in his breath in surprise. "You know about us?" 

"I do. I wish you'd told me." 

"I'm sorry about that. I should have told you. How did you find out anyway?" 

"My older self relieved me of my ignorance." 

"Oh. It wasn't her place..." he commented, a little annoyed. He would have preferred to break the news himself. He'd wanted to keep things quiet to start with, but he guessed that if he escorted Seven to tonight's party the cat would pretty much be out of the bag. 

"I'm glad she did, because I'm not sure when you were going to get round to it." 

"Are you okay with it?" 

"Well...that depends." 

"On what?" 

"Chakotay, is it serious?" 

"It could be." 

"How far has it gone?" 

"Well...I don't really think that's any of your business." 

Kathryn's face registered dismay at this comment and he figured he'd been a little too harsh. 

"Well...in that case...I won't keep you any longer," she added. 

Kathryn put her cup down on the table and rose as if to signal their discussion was over. Chakotay had barely taken two sips of his tea, so he was a bit puzzled at the indirect dismissal. 

"That's it?" he queried to her back in an incredulous tone. "That's all you wanted to talk about?" 

Her hesitation spoke volumes before she turned to face him again. 

"Well...um..." 

"Kathryn, if you have something to say, you'd better tell me." He'd been afraid she might disapprove of his relationship with Seven, but she was his best friend and he needed to know how she felt about it. 

Kathryn gave a resigned sigh. "A long time ago I promised myself something. I promised myself that, if we got home, I'd tell you how I felt. I know it's probably too late, but still you deserve to know..." She paused and glanced at the ceiling as if looking for the words or some divine intervention to give her the strength to carry on. 

"Deserve to know what?" he asked, intrigued. 

She levelled her gaze and took a deep breath. "I love you, Chakotay. I have for a very long time...and I hoped that when we got home we could finally admit our feelings for each other. Finally be together. I know that once you felt something for me...and I need to know if you still do. It's lousy timing, I know. I wish I could have told you years ago, but...as your commanding officer I could not allow my personal feelings to conflict with our professional relationship. I know that you were very aware of that and that you understood. For that I thank you. But in a few hours' time, our professional responsibilities will cease, at least in respect of each other and...Oh God, I'm rambling and I think I'd better stop...." 

Chakotay looked at her with a stunned expression on his face. This was the last thing he'd expected when she called him into her Ready Room. His mouth opened and shut wordlessly and he placed his mug, which had frozen mid-air momentarily, down on the table next to hers. 

"You love me?" 

She nodded nervously. 

"Oh my!" He paused, tugging his ear awkwardly. There were a few seconds of silence while her admission processed in his mind and he attempted to formulate a response. There had been a time when he would have leapt with joy at this revelation. "Kathryn, if you'd told me that even a year ago..." 

"Yes...I know. Timing's lousy." He noticed her eyes were a little glazed. 

"But now I'm dating Seven. It's all very new and exciting. Kathryn, you're a wonderful, amazing woman. Any man would be truly honoured to have you by his side. And I will always be a little bit in love with you....but..." 

Kathryn tried hard to mask her disappointment, but Chakotay could always read her so easily. His heart clenched at the thought of hurting her. 

"You're in love with Seven?" Kathryn finished his sentence. 

"I think things are heading that way." 

"Right." 

"And if..." 

She held her hand up in a gesture to stop him. "Please, say no more. I don't think I can take it." 

"Sorry." 

"No...don't be. Circumstances never favoured us, Chakotay." 

"I hope we'll always be friends." 

"Now, I think that's going to be a little difficult." 

"I don't see why." 

"You can't have a close friend who's a woman...not once you're in a relationship." 

"I don't see that matters...not considering how close you are to Seven too." 

"I'll rephrase that then. You can't have a close friend who's in love with you." 

He frowned. "I don't want to lose you as a friend." 

"You already have. Chakotay, it can't ever be the same...not now." 

"I'll be very sorry if this comes between us. And Seven needs you...she'll miss you, if you're not there for her." 

"I have no problem with seeing Seven whenever she wants to see me. But she'll have you now anyway. Chakotay, you must grant me the space...to grieve...to mourn our relationship. It's only fair. Every night for years, it was the one thing I held on to...that if we got home we could explore what lay between us. And I don't think it was my imagination that we both felt something..." 

"No, it wasn't your imagination," he admitted. 

"So it was my one hope for myself...my one glimmer of light for the future. You are very special to me, Chakotay. And I'll always be thankful...honoured that you have been my friend...that you've stood beside me through all of this. But things will have to be different from now on. Maybe one day, when I'm back on an even keel, when things are less raw, we may be able to have something resembling friendship...but it will take time. I deserve that much consideration. You must at least respect my wishes in this." 

She blinked, and he realised she was close to tears and his heart went out to her. 

"Of course," he responded sadly. "I understand." He didn't want to let her friendship go, but she was entirely within her rights to demand this. 

"I want to thank you for everything...for being my rock and support over the last few years. For helping me in countless ways that you probably don't even realise. For being the most exceptional First Officer and for being my friend. Chakotay, I couldn't have done it without you." 

He stood to face her, realising that this profession of gratitude was the prelude to his dismissal. He left his half drunk tea on the table. 

"It was an honour and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." 

Kathryn nodded. "I hope you and Seven will be very happy." 

"Thank you," he said, looking at his feet. It was time to go and put an end to this awkward conversation. He stepped towards the Ready Room doors. "I think I'd better go..." 

"Just do me a favour," she finished, "Don't invite me to the wedding." 

"Wedding? We're not anywhere near..." The look on her face silenced him. Clearly she knew more than she was letting on, but would not reveal it. He wanted to say something to soothe her hurt feelings because he understood rejection only too well, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. 


	3. Chapter 3

Following Voyager's return, the debriefings dragged on for weeks. He and Kathryn were quite naturally thrown together for much of this, but she remained a little distant, keeping things between them strictly professional. He missed their former intimacy, but he couldn't entirely blame her. Besides, he had Seven to keep him occupied. In late January, he had found himself unintentionally introducing Kathryn to Commodore Lars Petersson at that fateful homecoming Ball. 

After the debriefings were finally over, he rarely saw her. As Kathryn's relationship with Lars grew, he found little excuse to even socialise within her circle and Kathryn was certainly not seeking him out. Besides, they had no further reason for professional contact. Now he didn't see her at all, he was man enough to admit her absence left a hole in his life. 

The only significant occasion on which he saw her was at Tom and B'Elanna's naming ceremony for their daughter, Miral. He had accompanied Seven and Kathryn had brought Lars with her. It was the first time he had been able to witness firsthand the extent of their involvement. The man was very attentive to Kathryn, laughing and joking, putting his arm round her, occasionally kissing her. He made himself very amenable to the other party guests too, and seemed to be garnering a great deal of attention and admiration from the former Voyagers. He clearly liked the sound of his own voice. 

Chakotay found the man rather irritating, but he found himself a little bewildered by the general approval he seemed to be getting. B'Elanna informed him that their old crew thought how good he was for their former Captain. She was at last looking happy and relaxed, radiant even, now that the burden of captaining a lone ship in the Delta Quadrant had been lifted. He had to agree that she was looking a lot happier, her face free of the shadows that had haunted her lately. She had gotten over him rather quickly, he thought, which was something he should be glad about. He didn't want her wallowing in self-pity, and it seemed she had no intention of doing so either. 

Just as her love-life was improving, so her professional life had stormed ahead. Now that she was a newly appointed Admiral, she had a fancy office in Starfleet HQ and a team of devoted aides at her beck and call. She was Starfleet's golden girl of the moment, in demand for every news conference, award ceremony or banquet in some undeserving person's honour. Starfleet soon learned what a treasure in Federal and public relations they had in Kathryn Janeway. She turned out to be as adept at public speaking as she was at almost everything else she did. They had her naming ships, addressing vast halls full of people, cutting ribbons, unveiling plaques and greeting off-world dignitaries. He had to wonder if it was really what she'd envisaged when she'd accepted her promotion. He was sure she would rather be out saving the universe in some far flung galaxy than this. But if she wasn't enjoying it, she hid it well. 

After two months of dating, Seven proposed to him. She told him it was her understanding that the female was traditionally encouraged to do so on Valentine's day. Chakotay found himself surprised but excited. He pondered again on how it was that Kathryn had seen the marriage coming, but they were too estranged for him to quiz her on this. He agonised as to how to explain to Seven why Kathryn would not attend the wedding. To his knowledge, Seven was unaware of any history between her two former commanding officers and he preferred that it should stay that way. He fleetingly wondered if, now that Kathryn had Lars to accompany her, she might have softened her antipathy towards attending. Seven, for her part, was pondering on the possibility that Kathryn might actually conduct the ceremony, and Chakotay was inwardly cringing in anticipation of Kathryn's reaction. In the end he was spared the ordeal, because Kathryn conveniently took herself off on a deep space assignment for six months. Lars, it seemed, had other commitments and did not accompany her, a fact about which Chakotay was inexplicably relieved. 

By June, he and Seven were married in a simple ceremony attended by a few close friends. He had a feeling that his other close female friend, B'Elanna, didn't entirely approve of his choice of wife either, but she never outwardly criticised him. 

It was December, a whole year after Voyager's return and his memorable encounter with Kathryn in her Ready Room, before he came back into contact with her. It was at a time in his life when he was counting himself very lucky. He had a beautiful wife, despite that she was still learning to show the level of affection he craved, a promotion to Captain and a dream job. He was lecturing on the Delta Quadrant at the Academy and helping to archive all the artefacts they'd brought back with them from the far reaches of the universe. Occasionally, he would find himself wishing for Kathryn's input regarding a certain item. Although she had kept meticulous records, he found himself wanting to read between the lines. However, he had to make do without her insight or her support owing to her absence from his life. He still missed her deeply but he tried not to think about it too much. If he let his thoughts dwell on her too much, he grew melancholy. 

He was called in to Headquarters one morning to see Admiral Hawkes and discovered that he was to be assigned three days a week to a committee drawing up diplomatic and strategic policy for exploration and contact in the Delta Quadrant. Since Voyager had arrived home with slipstream technology, despite that it had not been completely successful, the Federation's greatest minds had been perfecting it. B'Elanna herself had been involved with the project. The result was that the Delta Quadrant was becoming significantly nearer in real terms and exploration of the Delta Quadrant by the peoples of the Federation was not a far off possibility. It made sense that he would be asked to be on the committee, and he wouldn't dream of turning it down. He would have to fit his lecturing and archiving around it. It was only after he'd accepted that he discovered the committee was headed up by Admiral Kathryn Janeway. He shouldn't have been surprised really. She was the most qualified person to lead on this. The only thing that should have surprised him was that he'd been asked by Admiral Hawkes and not Kathryn herself. 

He went back to headquarters the next day to be introduced to the team. The panel comprised of Admiral Janeway, Admiral Hawkes (a man in his early fifties with considerable diplomatic experience), four non-Starfleet members, all senior representatives of the Federal Council and each from a different planet, Captain Tuvok, a couple of other ranking officers and half a dozen aides to help behind the scenes. Kathryn stood and greeted him with a full smile without hesitation, and he felt some relief at that. She was looking good, her eyes shining in anticipation, her hair a little longer still and swept impeccably onto the back of her head. She handled the group with aplomb, totally at ease in dealing with dignitaries and Admirals alike, including those with impossibly large egos, and the day sped by for Chakotay. He'd forgotten how much he loved seeing Kathryn Janeway in full flow, oozing confidence and inspiring others to rise to the challenge. It was also clear they had months, if not years, of work ahead of them. He would be working with Kathryn for quite some time. It would most likely entail returning to the Delta Quadrant at some time in the future. The work would be challenging, but he was already feeling charged with enthusiasm. It was what Kathryn did to the people around her. It was why she was such a brilliant leader. 

She treated him much the same as she treated all the other delegates: professional, business-like, respectful and with no hint of favouritism or awkwardness. When they broke for lunch, she disappeared with Hawkes, so he caught up with Tuvok whose health was now fully restored. When they finished work later that day, however, Kathryn caught him on his way out. 

"How are you, Chakotay?" 

"I'm fine. Yes. You?" 

She grinned. "Good. I've seen Seven once or twice. I've heard all about the wedding. She seems...happy." 

"Yes, she is." At least he thought so. He shuffled slightly, feeling rather uncomfortable. 

"I do hope you're okay with us working together again. I think you can make a very valuable contribution to the team and I would hate to think that there would be any....awkwardness between the two of us." 

"Kathryn, we were very good friends. I hope we still are." 

She nodded, seemingly pleased with his response. "Lars wants me to invite you both over for dinner. He wants me to mend bridges with you..." 

"You're still with him?" As Kathryn had disappeared for a while, he had hoped that particular liaison had fizzled out. 

"Yes." 

"I'm glad things are working out for you." He said the words, but was he? He'd always been unaccountably wary of Lars. 

"Would you and Seven like to come to dinner on Saturday?" 

"I'm sure we'd love to. Seven's been itching for us all to get together..." 

"I know she has. She's been trying to engineer a reunion. I know I've been a little reluctant, but now we're going to be working together I think it's time to put the past behind us, don't you?" 

"Kathryn, nothing would please me more." He reached out and squeezed her arm affectionately. Kathryn looked down at his hand with a small disconcerted frown, so he withdrew it quickly, realising he'd overstepped the mark. It was a gesture he'd performed a thousand times on Voyager which would more normally have been met with a smile. 

"Well...let's say 1900 hours. I'll have my aide send you the address." 

"Good...we'll look forward to it." 

She nodded, turned her back and left the room, leaving him unsure whether to be happy or worried. He was pleased at the thought that they might mend their friendship and delighted that she seemed to be offering an olive branch. But it niggled at the back of his mind that it might all be a charade, one that she had been forced into by circumstances. 


	4. Chapter 4

Four days later, Seven and he found themselves somewhat amazed as they stood outside a very luxurious residence in the most affluent part of San Francisco. In this day and age, property and land were the only two major indicators of wealth, and clearly Kathryn Janeway had some. No-one went without clothes, food, health-care and basic technology in the twenty-fourth century, but where you lived and in what sort of home still reflected your means or status in life. He imagined Kathryn's family having been relatively affluent, not to mention the seven years of back pay she had accumulated as a Captain and her present Admiral's salary, the result of which was now visible in a large white gated house with a rather well manicured garden. He was both surprised and a little daunted at the prospect of entering. 

By his side, he sensed Seven was a little excited, although she hid it well under her mask of indifference, a legacy of her years of repression under the Borg. He squeezed her hand as they rang the chime and requested admittance. The large gate swung open, and he figured that Kathryn would enjoy a reasonable degree of privacy here. Only the most determined of reporters (and even now after a year back on earth they were still hounding them, especially Kathryn) would make it over the fence, and thereby triggering a state of the art Starfleet security alarm. Within seconds a swat team would be beamed in to protect their newest and probably most famous Admiral. 

They were greeted by both Kathryn and Lars, who gave them both a very warm welcome. Kathryn looked radiant, in a soft jumper and jeans, her rich auburn hair free and curling gently on her shoulders and contrasting beautifully with the white of the jumper. He reflected again how Lars' hair was almost the exact same colour. 

Kathryn took the offering of a bottle of red wine from his hands with a generous amount of appreciation. She never could resist a classy red. He kissed her on the cheek in welcome, as did Seven. There followed a conducted tour of the house...to which Chakotay reckoned there must have been at least fifteen rooms...he lost count somewhere. He noted, with a frisson of discomfort, that some of Lars' things were in her bedroom and the connecting bathroom. He must be staying with her, he realised, despite that B'Elanna had assured him they weren't living together. 

The conversation was relaxed and enjoyable. Kathryn, he thought, seemed happy in Lars' company and there was some minor flirting between the two of them. Lars seemed to love the sound of his voice, but seemed to reveal little of himself. He asked a lot of questions of the guests, appearing very indulgent and possibly a little nosy. 

They sat down in the dining room to a rather lovely meal, which the visitors were assured had not been cooked by Kathryn. 

"Did you cook this then, Lars?" he asked. 

"I supplied the salad and the fruit. The rest is courtesy of some very fine recipes and a state of the art replicator. Neither one of us is at home in a kitchen." 

"It's better behaved than the one I had on Voyager..." Kathryn confessed in a conspiratorial tone. 

"Well...that's relief." 

"I've heard tales of this replicator...and the inedible meals Kathryn served on Voyager," commented Lars. "I imagine you had to suffer through it a few times." 

"I'm afraid so...on rather too many occasions." 

"She's a wonderful woman...this girlfriend of mine...but don't you dare let her near a kitchen, if you value your life," Lars continued. 

"I heartily agree," Chakotay laughed. 

"But what she lacks in the kitchen, she more than makes up for in the bedroom...don't you darling?" 

Chakotay was a little taken aback that Lars would make such a personal comment in polite company and his eyes shifted towards Kathryn to see if she was in any way embarrassed by this comment. To his surprise, she seemed unfazed by this, just throwing her lover an indulgent smile, although he did wonder later if that was because she was well on to her third or fourth glass of wine by then. 

"I have seven years of abstinence to make up for..." 

"Indeed you do. You were a veritable slave to duty, my dear. I have no idea how a woman of your passion could hold out that long. I, for one, am very pleased you're making up for lost time now." 

Kathryn unsurprisingly changed the subject this time and began quizzing Seven further about her work at the Pathfinder Project. Seven at last opened her mouth and responded. She'd been a little quiet earlier, struggling as she often did to make sense of human social interaction. Chakotay was lost in thought for a few minutes. He'd never believed Kathryn to have been totally celibate during their journey...she'd had a number of opportunities of which he'd been aware. He wondered if it was true. 

Later, the ladies disappeared into the kitchen to clear away, discuss things in female privacy and make the coffee, which was always a serious business in any Janeway residence. Now they were home, replicated coffee just did not cut it. Chakotay was left alone in the lounge with Lars. 

Lars looked particularly pleased with himself, Chakotay decided. He'd had plenty to say over dinner about Bajor and Cardassia, the aftermath of the Dominion war and much besides. He always seemed to smile at Chakotay with an amused indulgent air. 

"Well, Chakotay, I really should thank you for introducing me to such an amazing woman...I...we're having a blast together and if you hadn't stepped in, I doubt she'd have given me the time of day." 

"Good. Glad it's working out." 

"You really missed out on something special. But your loss is my gain." 

"Oh?" Chakotay was instantly on his guard. He hadn't expected this turn in the conversation. 

"She told me, you know, how she approached you when you got back from the Delta Quadrant...and you turned her down." 

"I was already dating Seven." 

Lars fixed Chakotay with piercing gaze, the kind of uncomfortable look that made Chakotay feel he was under severe scrutiny. He did his best to return the compliment. 

"Ah...your lovely wife. She is beautiful, I'll grant you. But where's the passion, the vibrancy? What is there to bring you alive? To keep you entertained for a lifetime? There's nothing to tame, no challenge. Whereas Kathryn, beautiful too...in a more mature way. Full of life, knows what she wants, passionate, demanding: a lioness of a woman! She has something unique...something that draws people in and captivates them....fascinating to watch! And I am the one with the prize! I wonder if she ever can be tamed, do you think? Maybe not, but what a wonderful challenge! I'm so enjoying trying to rein her in. What a privilege to be the one to try to conquer the indomitable Kathryn Janeway!" 

Chakotay seethed at these comments, but more about the way he spoke of Kathryn than by the implied insult to his wife. 

"Lars," he leaned closer, trying to match the man's glare, "if... you...ever...hurt Kathryn, you'll have me to answer to, and I am not someone you want on your back..." 

Lars leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms with a smug grin on his face. 

"Why, Chakotay! You really must be delusional! Hurt Kathryn?" he replied, in a tone that suggested the concept was preposterous, "That's your prerogative! You're the one who has the monopoly on hurting Kathryn." 

There were a few moments of stunned silence, before the ladies returned with the coffee, during which Chakotay decided he really did not like Lars Petersson. The last time he'd felt this way about someone, was when Inspector Kashyk had been terrorising their ship. Those two had really too much in common, and he wondered at Kathryn's sanity in being attracted to such men.

As he and Seven left that night, discussing their evening, which clearly Seven had enjoyed much more than he, he glanced back to see Kathryn and Lars watching as they walked down the drive way. Kathryn turned towards her lover and gently reached for his hand, saying something that made him laugh. Lars bent his head and gave her a quick affectionate kiss. To outward appearances they were a perfectly happy couple, and even Seven thought they were great together. So why did he hate the idea so much? 

* * *

B'Elanna told him a few days later that he'd never like anyone who dated Kathryn Janeway. 

"Are you saying I'm jealous?" 

"No, not exactly. But you two have always been rather close. All I'm saying is, perhaps subconsciously, you think of her as yours...partner, friend..whatever. And, if you can't have her, you don't want anyone else to have her. You resent the time and attention anyone else gets. You always have." 

Chakotay let out a long breath. He wanted to deny it, but wasn't sure he could. 

"Chakotay, you've married Seven now," B'Elanna continued. "You've got to let her move on." 

"But what if he's not right for her? What if he's going to let her down? You haven't seen the side I've seen of him. There's definitely something...I can't put my finger on it. He's calculating. He's manipulative...I don't know." 

"Chakotay, she's a big girl. She can look after herself." 

"I just don't like it." 

"Well...there's not a thing you can do about it." 

"I know." 

"You've made a new life for yourself...a life where Kathryn Janeway is no longer the centre of your attention. You shouldn't be wasting too much time worrying about her now. You should concentrate on Seven. Believe me, Seven will soon resent this, if you let it get blown out of proportion." 

"You're right." 

"I don't know why you still fret about Kathryn anyway, with all the rejection you've had to put up with over the years. She's made it clear she's not interested in being anything more than friends with you." 

"Actually, that isn't quite true." 

"Oh?" B'Elanna asked, her interest piqued. 

"I turned her down." 

"Really?" came the amazed answer. 

"She called me in to see her when we got home. She told me she loved me. And I told her I loved Seven." 

"Well...maybe that was her reward for holding out on you all the way through the Delta Quadrant." B'Elanna was clearly flummoxed by this revelation. 

"We never really had that conversation...not while we were out there. It wasn't necessary. We were both aware of the attraction and we both accepted it was not a viable possibility whilst we were in command of the ship. It wasn't until we got home..." He hung his head. 

"Right. She's got to have been hurt by that." 

"I think more than she likes to let on." 

"That explains why she wasn't at the wedding. What did you tell Seven?" 

"She doesn't know." 

"Probably best if she never does." B'Elanna saw the haunted look in her friend's eyes. "You're not regretting it, are you?" 

Chakotay looked up and met her gaze. "Hurting Kathryn? Yes. Making that decision?....I don't think I know the answer." 


	5. Chapter 5

March 2379

  


"You know this Alcarian idol is incredibly intricate," Kathryn commented one day when they were going through more of the artefacts brought back by Voyager. She held what looked like a rather dull brown lump of rock and was turning it over slowly in her hands. "If it was cleaned up, I think we'd be amazed. Job for the experts, though. Under all this mud there's any number of precious stones....I'm not surprised you picked this to keep." She stood up and took the artefact by the window to view it in the light. 

"There must have once been a flourishing civilisation on Alcar. There were a thousand potentially beautiful objects on that planet...I had to pick just one. That's the one that stood out," Chakotay explained. He glanced up at Kathryn. They'd been working together over several months for three or four days a week, sometimes on their committee at HQ, occasionally on their own at the Academy as they were today. They'd relaxed back into a rewarding friendship, even punctuating it with regular lunches. He felt much happier with his life now that he was able to spend time with Kathryn. 

"You always had a good eye," she told him. 

"Would have loved to have brought more...except I had a dragon of a Captain who insisted we didn't have room." He grinned sideways at her. He loved baiting this woman. 

"We didn't have room!" she protested. 

"There was bags of space in the cargo bay!" 

"Yes, but if I'd let you have your way, it would have been full of junk. You'd have added to Voyager's Caysor Coefficient and we'd have run out of deuterium long before we'd got to the Alpha Quadrant. Voyager was limping along as it was, even after we'd dumped a lot of your collection on that abandoned moon. I sometimes think you'd rather have kept all your junk and marooned the lot of us in deep space." 

"I also had a Captain who was much given to histrionics." 

"Not likely. I was the one with my feet on the ground." 

"You mean: your feet on the deck plating." 

"You know what I meant." She laid the artefact carefully in its receptacle. "You have a good photographic record of everything...and that cost nothing to carry." 

"Humpf." 

"Besides you weren't the only one not to bring back everything you wished. The Science Department are always asking me why I didn't bring more samples of flora and fauna from the planets we visited. I have to keep explaining to them that the only seeds we took were the ones that would be useful in providing foodstuffs for the crew..." 

"I know you filched a few beautiful flowers..." 

"Okay," she conceded, "A few beautiful flowers...but seeds are pretty tiny in comparison to your idols and your statues! And heaven help us if we'd tried to take any animals with us. We could barely feed ourselves." 

"Good point. I hope you told him that." 

"Him?" 

"Admiral Leveson. I assumed that's who you meant by 'The Science Department.'" 

Kathryn's eyes narrowed. "And what if it was?" 

"He has a thing for you!" 

"He might be a little bit interested." 

"I'd say that's an understatement. He's rather charming." Kathryn was frowning at him a little curiously. 

"He is...but I have a boyfriend." 

"Yes, but I think you can do much better. I'm not sure Lars is right for you." 

"Chakotay! What makes you say that?" 

"Things he's said. He's devious. He winds me up. He talks about you in uncharitable terms." 

"What the hell do you mean by that?" 

"Well...I don't want to go into too much detail." 

"You've said it now...so you'd better explain yourself." 

Chakotay sighed. He almost wished he hadn't mentioned it, but he'd felt he had to say something for some time. "He wants to subdue you...tame you." 

Kathryn gave a snort. "He won't get far with that one." 

"It's like he doesn't respect you." 

"You're imagining things." 

"That sort of thing can creep up on one...in a kind of insidious way. And then, without hardly noticing how and when, a relationship turns abusive." 

"Abusive? I hardly think that describes my relationship with Lars! Are you losing your mind?" 

"I just don't want to see you get hurt...that's all." 

"Well, let me assure you, if I become in any way concerned about where our relationship is heading, I'll walk, okay?" 

"Right." Chakotay paused, but he hadn't finished. "And then there's his history. I don't think he's ever been to Sweden, let alone Vallentuna. He knows even less about Sweden than Seven did when we rescued her from the Borg." 

"Well, I imagine her aunt has remedied that since we got home!" 

"Have you even met his family?" 

Kathryn rolled her eyes in frustration. "He's an only child and his parents are dead." 

"How wonderfully convenient! Don't you find that a tad suspicious? No cousins? No anything? Then there's his job. He is supposed to have liaised with the Bajoran diplomatic corps, but nobody I've contacted has ever heard of him...and, believe me, I've asked the right people." 

"You've been checking up on my boyfriend!" she spit in disgust. 

"Only with your welfare in mind." 

"That's an appalling invasion of my privacy!" 

"You're an Admiral...charged with Federation secrets. Don't you think you should be a little cautious about your bedfellows?" 

"You think I whisper state secrets in my sleep?" 

"Well...no. But you probably leave padds lying around. And you're quite partial to a few bottles of wine. It's been known to loosen tongues." 

"Chakotay!" she cried in outrage. "You think I get so inebriated I could divulge just about anything? What the hell does that say about your opinion of me?" 

"No...I didn't mean to imply anything. Actually, it's my opinion of Lars that's at stake here." 

"He's Starfleet. They send him out on diplomatic missions!" Kathryn said emphatically, as if that justified everything. 

"And everything about Starfleet is perfect, is it?" 

"No...of course it isn't. But relationships are built on trust. To even check him out suggests a lack thereof. You don't have any hard evidence, do you?" 

"No." 

"So where's all this coming from?" 

"Gut instinct." 

"Well, you can just butt out. My relationships are my business. It's not my problem if you don't happen to like my boyfriend." 

"Fine! I'm just asking you to be careful...that's all!" 

"I'm a big girl, Chakotay." 

"I know you are." 

"I can look after myself." 

"I'm just concerned about you. Are you happy with him?" 

Kathryn gave an exasperated sigh. "I like being with him. I'm having the best uncomplicated sex I've had in ten years." 

"That's not enough!" 

"It is for now." 

"But I thought you were someone who deep down wanted a special relationship with a man...a committed one...not the sort of person who thrived on casual relationships. I even thought you wanted a family some day." 

"I did...but all the men I wanted a family with either died or married someone else." 

"That doesn't mean to say you have to give up." 

"Well, when you get to my age, you do become more circumspect. Maybe I've decided I've been so unlucky in love that I'll settle for something...less potentially destructive." 

"Meaning?" 

"If I finish with Lars, I won't be heart-broken. And that suits me just fine." 

"That's sounds to me like settling for a relationship that's less than fulfilling." 

"Well, I'm happy with the way things are. I'm having a lot of fun and I deserve it." 

"Well of course you do! I just don't think Lars is good for you." 

"Anyone would think you're jealous." 

There was a rather heavy pause before Chakotay spoke. 

"So what if I am?" he offered quietly. 

She looked up, horrified at his response. "You have no business even thinking like that! You're a married man! Besides, you blew your chance a year ago." 

He met her eyes and she saw some hint of sorrow in them. "I know. But sometimes I wish I'd done things differently." 

She glared at him, anger warring with disbelief. "It's history. And I'd rather not dredge up that painful, embarrassing conversation. We can't change things now." 

"No...I don't suppose we can." His answer was tinged with regret. 

"And you're happily married to Seven..." She paused as she watched the expression of doubtfulness on his face. "You are happy with Seven?" 

"It's complicated." 

"Chakotay?" Kathryn's voice had turned to one of sympathy. 

"We don't want the same things in life. Sometimes I feel like I'm just an experiment to her....a tick box in her list of human experiences to check off...dating, sex, marriage. She's like a child in a woman's body. She doesn't seem to understand the need for companionship, for conversation, for a deeper connection. We sit down to eat together and it's like she has a set list of topics to ask about every night. Then she doesn't listen to the answers...she doesn't want to know about how I'm feeling. And then sex has to be...efficient. I know she's inexperienced and that I have to be patient with her...but it's hard sometimes." 

Kathryn sat down beside him, a little flummoxed at his revelation. She put her hand on his arm. "Chakotay, I'm sorry to hear that. But you can't say you didn't know what you were letting yourself in for. You'd seen what she was like for four years before that. You are the mature one in this relationship and you will have to take some responsibility here for working things out. Talk to her. You need to explain clearly what you expect from her, and listen to her needs as well." 

"That's a diplomatic way of saying: you made your bed, you lie on it." 

"I didn't want to be that blunt. You must find some common ground...some things you both like doing..." 

"I know, I know. I am trying." 

"Good." 

"Could you talk to her, Kathryn?" 

"It really is unfair of you to drag me into this." 

"I know and I'm sorry. But you're always so brilliant with her." 

"Well...I'll try. But don't expect too much." 

"Thank-you. Try not to worry about us. You're right. I did know what I was letting myself in for, and I don't intend to let her down." 

"Good." Kathryn turned away and picked up the next artefact. She clearly wished to change the subject. "You know they're thinking of sending you back to the Delta Quadrant now that the slipstream drive is nearly commissioned. The Captaincy of Voyager been mentioned as a possibility. How about that? You could join a fleet of ships and collect any amount of artefacts you like." 

"Really?" he asked in surprise. 

"Why yes...if you're not getting too comfortable sitting on your backside at the Academy. I can't think of anyone I'd rather hand Voyager to." 

He grinned. It would be a terrific offer, if it were to come to pass. "It's tempting." 

"And Seven would probably be much happier back out there." 

"She probably would. Can't we take you with us? You could collect your flora and fauna." 

"I think I'd leave that to someone with a more biological bent. My interests were always astronomical. Stellar phenomena, asteroids..." 

"Well, you could come and study all the astronomical phenomena you like. I'm sure the Delta Quadrant would be a breeze with a fleet of ships, plenty of supplies and an easy route home." 

"Even then, I doubt the Delta Quadrant would qualify as a breeze. Let me see: there were the Vidiians, the Hirogen, the Kazon, Species 8472...the Borg." 

"I don't think the Borg are so much a threat now. You've seen to that. And the rest of them would probably quake at the thought of the formidable Admiral Janeway and her armada. They should put you in charge. There's no one better qualified. It wouldn't be like it was before. We wouldn't be alone out there." 

"You'd hand me all that responsibility again?" 

"You thrive on it! How does it sound? Admiral of the Fleet (Delta Quadrant)? You could have your own fancy suite on one of the ships and a whole troupe of aides to wait on you hand and foot." 

She sighed. "Sounds like a plan." 

"You think Lars would mind you swanning off for years on end?" 

"I doubt the relationship would survive that kind of separation. But I meant what I said, Chakotay. I'm not that invested in him. If we split up, I wouldn't be heart-broken." 

He smiled at her, rather relieved. "I hope that, whatever happens, we'll always be friends. You'll always be my guiding light...my inspiration...and I miss you too much when I don't see you." 

Kathryn pursed her lips. A year ago, she'd told him she couldn't remain his friend, but she'd been hurting too much at the time to be anything different. "I miss you too when we're apart too long." 

Later than night, he mulled a lot over the conversation. He was very relieved that she didn't see Lars as potential husband material, better yet that she believed she wouldn't be heart-broken if they parted. He wouldn't admit to himself that he was jealous, although he undoubtedly was. He was intrigued by something else she'd said, although it hadn't hit him at the time. He must have been particularly dense not to notice it instantly. 

She'd said: all the men she'd wanted a family with either died or married someone else. 

At the time he thought she'd meant Justin and Mark. But he'd realised since...and the more he thought about it, the more he knew he was right...that she'd meant him as well. 

The idea both thrilled and unsettled him. He shouldn't be dwelling on this. He should be putting all his efforts into improving his marriage with Seven. 

He should and he would, because he'd made promises to Seven. He would stand by her and do everything possible to make their relationship work. Even if part of him wanted to turn in another direction entirely. 

There followed many reciprocal dinners and other social engagements between the two couples. One thing Seven did enjoy was cooking. She loved planning an elaborate meal and executing it to perfection before the appreciative visitors. Lars and Kathryn, and occasionally some other Voyagers, were always very effusive in their compliments. 

Kathryn did, as promised, talk to Seven about Chakotay. She appeared to encourage Seven to discuss things more openly with him and Seven did try. But the conversations only served to highlight many areas of incompatibility. Chakotay struggled to find ways of encouraging his bride to express herself more freely and to respond to his needs. 

So he was delighted when Lars asked them to come away with Kathryn and him to Risa, where he had secured very sought-after tickets to one of the semi-finals and the final of the Federation Cup, an inter-planetary football tournament. It had been an ancient sport originating on earth and played between two teams on a rectangular grass pitch. He had hired a fabulous house for their stay on Suraya Bay and planned to spoil his guests rotten. It sounded wonderful and maybe it would be just what Seven needed to enable her to relax and improve her level of social interaction. They accepted without hesitation. 

That it had been Lars' suggestion and not Kathryn's didn't concern him. She didn't seem adverse to the idea at all. 


	6. Chapter 6

May 2379  
Risa

  


A trip to Risa might have been out of the question were it not for a conference on Deneva that both Chakotay and Kathryn, together with their team, had been required to attend. Kathryn travelled with Tuvok to Vulcan to see his family en route to Deneva. Lars, not involved in the conference, had gone out to Risa ahead of them, so Seven and Chakotay travelled to Deneva with the rest of the team and met up with Kathryn and Tuvok there. After the conference the three of them went on to Risa and the others returned to earth. 

Risa is a rather indulgent planet, with its own artificial weather network and beautiful beaches. The house Lars had hired was every bit as spectacular as he had promised, resembling a Swiss chalet, set above a perfect sandy beach and mercifully away from the many humanoids milling around the public places and offering sexual favours. The sky and sea were azure blue, the sand like spun gold, the water warm and inviting. 

The early part of their week on Risa was spent in delightful exploration: the Temtibi Lagoon, the subterranean gardens, the beaches and forests. They relaxed in the steam pools, swam in the sea, dined in fabulous restaurants, cooked in, talked at length, savoured fine wine and played cards till late into the warm nights. They had also attended the semi-final of the football tournament at one of the more provincial stadia. They'd watched as the mighty athletic team from Qo'nos lost 3-2 and dropped out of the championship. It had been a surprising result and provided much debate amongst the four of them as to who would win the final which was to be held in the main city stadium five days later. 

Kathryn was glowing, full of teasing laughter. She and Lars were flirting outrageously, touching, hugging and kissing frequently, much to Chakotay's annoyance. He felt it somewhat indelicate...but he'd seen this Kathryn before, a little too often for his liking. He hadn't minded when it had been minor flirting and fairly evenly distributed amongst the bridge crew...it served to lighten the atmosphere. But he hated it when she homed in one person...particularly a person Chakotay didn't like such as Lars or Kashyk. He felt vaguely uncomfortable when they got a little too demonstrative. Kathryn was usually fairly discrete on Voyager, but living in such close proximity rather changed the game. Seven was a little bemused as well, raising an eyebrow at their unnatural behaviour. She seemed more puzzled than disturbed, so perhaps he was the only one feeling truly rattled by it. The worst was when they retired to bed...and being in the adjacent room meant it was impossible to ignore the strenuous and prolonged nocturnal activities in which the couple engaged. Kathryn, however, seemed to be loving every minute, and he couldn't begrudge her that. Lars so far had been utterly charming to everybody and he couldn't fault the guy as a host. 

Two days before the final, however, Chakotay had reason to revisit his former dislike of the man. 

Lars was already in the kitchen fiddling with two mugs and a coffee machine. It was early in the morning and both men were dressed similarly and were clad only in pyjama bottoms. 

Chakotay laughed when he saw what Lars was doing. He was after all scouting for tea for himself and soluble nutrients for Seven. 

"Coffee duty?" he asked Lars. 

"Yeah!" Lars grinned. "Let no man come between Kathryn and her coffee." 

Chakotay reached into a cupboard for a mug for his tea. The replicator would supply Seven's tasteless concoction. He stood back for a moment to allow Lars to finish making his coffees. 

"She never functions in the morning before she's had her coffee," Chakotay commented. 

Lars looked at Chakotay with his astute eyes showing momentary surprise. Then a wry smile spread on his face. 

"Oh, let me assure you, she was functioning pretty well just now without her coffee. She just likes to think she doesn't." 

Chakotay frowned, wondering what Lars could be hinting at. He hardly dared think that the man could be suggesting that he'd just had rather active sex with his lover. He watched Lars carefully. The boastful expression on the man's face indicated that it was exactly what he meant. 

Lars pushed the two steaming mugs of coffee out of Chakotay's way to allow him to prepare his tea. Instead of dashing straight back to Kathryn, he leaned back on the counter and smiled to himself. Chakotay wondered how it was that Lars' grins always seemed like sneers to him...or was he the only one subjected to that particular expression? Chakotay always felt on edge when alone with the man. 

"Ten to one I had a much more exciting night than you had last night," Lars boasted. 

Chakotay felt the heat rising to his face. How the hell did he respond to that? Unfortunately, it was true. Lars had been active for what seemed like hours the night before...one could hardly help noticing. If Lars was to be believed, they'd followed it up with more of the same this morning. He, on the other hand, had sat silently reading a book beside Seven in bed the night before. For one, the noise from the other couple had been a little off-putting for both of them. Moreover, it hadn't been one of Seven's designated nights for copulation. 

Chakotay cringed in mortification whilst Lars' grin grew broader. The shame of it was that Lars knew perfectly well he was right. Moreover, he knew that Chakotay knew it too. 

"It would have been interesting to compare the two women, wouldn't it?" Lars continued languidly. "But you'll never get the chance and I wouldn't take it even if it were offered. I once thought you had...but you never did, did you? Not in seven long years did she let you anywhere near her, and then at the end she made you an offer no man with any balls would refuse. Tell me, why did you turn Kathryn down? I am rather incredulous that you could be that stupid." 

"I was dating Seven at the time." 

"Sure. You told me that once before, but I wouldn't have let that hold me back. Seven has got some rather obvious assets. She's the sort of woman you bed once or twice out of fascination, but marry? Never! She's a cold fish....not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with." 

"Excuse me? How dare you say that about my wife!" 

"Why not? It's true isn't? Seven has no tenderness, no empathy and not one iota of passion." 

"She's a caring, vulnerable person...certainly not the sort whose feelings you mess around with. Kathryn would have had my hide, if I did. It's true she has a lot to learn, but she is certainly not some temporary plaything." 

"I rather think you might be the temporary plaything, Chakotay," Lars commented with glittering eyes. "I don't even think you realise it yet. I doubt Seven's feelings are as easily bruised as you imagine." 

"Underneath that steely exterior is a fragile woman...and why you should think you know her better than her own husband..." 

"Ah, so that's it! She has the obvious assets and you felt sorry for her." 

"I did not feel sorry for her...I enjoyed being with her." 

Lars arched an eyebrow. "Pull the other one." 

"Look...we don't have to take these insults. I think we should move out..." 

"Suit yourself. I'll enjoy seeing you try to explain to Seven and Kathryn why you're leaving." 

Chakotay could only stare in indignation as Lars picked up the two mugs and sauntered off. His swagger was deliberate, Chakotay decided, for his pyjamas slipped lower on his hips, revealing red marks on his buttocks. 

Chakotay strained his eyes to peer closer. Lipstick? No...spirits! They were bite marks...and Lars was showing them off! 

The man had a fine physique: broad shoulders and strong straight back. It was now that Chakotay noticed that there were scratch marks on his back too...the result of some heated encounter with finger nails. 

Chakotay sank back against the counter, seething and grinding his teeth. How dare the man issue such degrading comments about Seven! How could he possibly know what went on behind closed doors? Perhaps the worst thing about the insults was that they hit horribly close to the truth. 

Lars Petersson was a manipulative nasty man. Chakotay really wished he didn't have to spend a moment longer in his company. He hated the thought that such a slime ball should have even an ounce of Kathryn's affection. She deserved better. 

Lars was right, unfortunately. They could not leave without explaining why to both Seven and Kathryn and they still had the final of the football match to attend. So in the meantime, he would have to smile and pretend he was enjoying himself. 

* * *

The day of the final came, and Chakotay was relieved that Lars had not in any way started up any more outrageous conversations. In fact, the man seemed to have gone out of his way to be charming. Chakotay wondered if he'd regretted challenging him, but somehow he didn't think so. 

The stadium was full and the crowd jostled in excitement. There was an atmosphere of expectant tension as they filed into their prime seats on the main stand. They were five rows back from the edge of the field, a place that afforded a perfect view of the whole pitch. The final proved to be a rather blue affair: the two competing teams were Bolarus and Andoria. Fortunately, neither team were wearing blue kit. 

The four of them took their seats in a line and settled down to enjoy a fabulous spectacle. There was lots of pre-match entertainment: singers, musicians, dancers, acrobats. There were huge screens showing close up views of both players and entertainers. 

Eventually, the two teams paraded out onto the pitch and stood proudly in line as anthems were played. Then the match began, consisting of two forty-five minute halves. At half-time, the teams would reverse the direction of their offense. 

It was fairly evenly balanced at first and the tension built. At first the loftier Andorians seemed to be in control. Then the Bolians, more fleet of foot and rather quicker at changing pace and direction, seemed to gain more possession of the ball. 

The excitement mounted after several near-misses at both ends of the pitch. The crowd simmered as a few altercations and instances of foul play were penalised. 

The four 'friends' were entirely engrossed when Bolarus hit the net with a beautifully timed shot twenty-minutes into the game. Seven minutes later, they scored again. The match was really coming alive when Andoria pulled one back two minutes later. Chakotay glanced at Kathryn, whose face was rapt as she bit her nails. They'd decided to support Bolarus, in honour of their former crewmember, Chell, even though he was a far cry from the athletic Bolians on the pitch. 

A few minutes before half-time, Lars elbowed Chakotay. 

"Let's beat the crowds and get the girls some drinks and hot dogs!" he mouthed at him. 

Chakotay thought this was a wise move and a visit to the bathroom wouldn't go amiss either. They explained to Seven and Kathryn what they were doing and slid past a dozen annoyed spectators to make their way to the gangway. 

They made their way down from the stand as the crowd yelled at some other near miss. 

Away from the noise, they could speak more easily. 

"I could use the bathroom," Chakotay commented. 

"Let's get the refreshments first," said Lars, glancing at his chronometer. "The queues will be massive in a few minutes, and I'll need your help with the drinks." 

"Right." 

They wandered across the wide concourse that skirted the stadium to the nearest refreshment stand, and Chakotay wasn't at all surprised to see that it was being manned by two Ferenghi. 

Chakotay was more surprised to see Lars order a long list of things: coffee, tea, corn, hot dogs, fruit and more. Then he paid for it all with a lot of small hard latinum. No wonder he'd needed to come out before the start of the rest period. Waiting for the goodies, Lars glanced at his watch again. 

"Into stoppage time now!" he told Chakotay. People were beginning to file out of the stadium to get a head-start at the facilities, just as they had. 

"Yes." 

"Think the Bolians are going to hang on to the lead?" 

"They just might. I think they're gaining the upper hand." 

"Brott is rather useful mid-field. He..." 

There was an almighty bang and both Chakotay and Lars were thrown off their feet by a sharp blast of air. Debris flew everywhere. It took a moment to realise what had happened. Their eyes met in horror, and then they stood dusting themselves off and turned towards the stadium. 

There was a large gaping hole just where they had come from. This part of the stadium was a ghastly mess of rubble and twisted metal. The people that had followed them out were wandering about in a daze, some of them badly injured, a few with limbs missing. Chakotay and Lars had been far enough away to escape injury. 

"Oh my God...a bomb!" Lars shrieked. 

"The girls!" cried Chakotay, horrified. His heart was pounding. This could not be happening! 

Seconds later, a huge section of wall tumbled down sending clouds of dust up in the air. Now they could hardly see more than a few feet in front of them. 

Choking and coughing, they both lurched forward against the flow of people in a frantic dash towards the pile of rubble. They ignored the walking wounded, but did stop to help others who were trapped. Where the gangway had been was just guesswork...they couldn't see far enough, and even if they could, the passage was probably blocked. They were compelled to move forward, desperate to reach their loved ones and hoping against hope that they had survived the blast, but Chakotay knew that the part where they had been sitting was at the centre of the explosion. What chance had the two women had? Distantly, they heard sirens. Support vehicles were coming to help. 

Their progress was hampered by debris and the need to help those nearer to them. Chakotay felt physically sick as he and Lars lifted masonry of nearer victims. Some people were mangled beyond recognition. A few people were wandering around in a daze with only minor injuries. Others were bleeding profusely: deep reds, blues or greens. It was agonizing. They didn't want to be here helping these people...they wanted to be a few yards distant searching the rubble for Seven and Kathryn, but they had little choice. It was an area they couldn't reach, and Chakotay found himself frantically hoping that people from other stands inside the stadium would be able to reach it. Perhaps they could skirt round to another entrance and get inside, but Chakotay had a dreadful feeling deep in the pit of his stomach that the pile of rubble would be just as inaccessible from the inside. 

Chakotay bent over one man and tried to remove a rather large boulder. Lars had knelt down to feel the man's pulse and shook his head. They left him where he was. They came across three more corpses as the scale of the tragedy began to sink in. As the minutes ticked by, more and more able bodied people were appearing and beginning to comb the debris around them. It made moving some of the masonry easier. Even as the number of rescuers grew, it was clear that lifting equipment would be needed for some of the larger pieces. 

Chakotay suffered several coughing fits and his eyes met Lars' several times. There was a real anguish on the man's face. Both of them were drowning in despair. Their loved ones could not possibly have survived this. Chakotay looked back to where he thought the gangway had been. They had only made a few hundred yards of progress towards it, and already the pile of rubble was getting inaccessible. He started to turn, ready to suggest to Lars that they cut round to another access tunnel now that there were other people to help here, when he saw something. 

The dust swirled revealing a few last survivors still struggling away from the stadium. Through the gloom, Chakotay thought he saw a dusty red head and a familiar outline. He craned his head, but the fog closed again. 

"Kathryn?" he cried. "Seven?" Was it his imagination? He wiped the tears from his eyes with a shaking hand. 

Lars put a restraining hand on his arm. The fog parted again. There she was! Kathryn emerged, bloodied and staggering, Seven just behind her. 

"Thank God!" exclaimed Chakotay, surging forward. 

"Chakotay!" Kathryn cried with relief, whereupon she promptly collapsed in front of them. Seven stopped, rested her hands on her knees and coughed a few more times. She was covered in dust and trickles of blood were running down the side of her face. 

For a moment, Chakotay started towards Kathryn, but saw that Lars was ahead of him. Kneeling beside her, his face was white as a sheet, as if he'd seen a ghost. 

"Are you hurt?" Chakotay asked Seven, putting his arm round her for support. 

"The damage is minor," she told him. 

"We thought you were dead....How? How did you..." 

"We decided that we could use the bathroom too and we'd follow your example to beat the crowds. If we hadn't..." She didn't need to finish the sentence. They would both have been lost if they'd stayed in their seats. 

Chakotay released Seven and bent down to Kathryn. He could see her biggest problem was an injury to the back of her head. Lars looked at Chakotay, as if in a quandary what to do. 

"We need to get her to a medical facility straight away. I'll go get help!" Chakotay told him. "Seven, stay here." 

Seven nodded and sat down beside Kathryn, taking her hand in hers. Chakotay ran back towards main gates, looking for medics. He saw people were already being assessed and beamed to medical facilities by the few first-response personnel available. 

He was going to accost one and play the Admiral card. Kathryn Janeway was important enough to stir people into action. 

He soon found he was right and they were all very relieved to find themselves in a hospital only minutes later. Seven and Kathryn were both placed on bio-beds. Kathryn was quickly assessed and whipped off to surgery. Seven had a few cracked ribs and lacerations to the head and arms. Her injuries were dealt with swiftly, and she was taken to a recovery ward to rest. Chakotay was able to stay with her throughout. 

Chakotay frequently went to the door of the room to see if there was any news of Kathryn, but there was no sign of Lars, nor did the medical staff seem to be able to tell him anything. Seven told him to relax. She was in good hands and Lars was with her. Besides, the Admiral was indestructible. 

Two hours later, Kathryn was brought back to the room her head covered in bandages, and one arm in bone-knitter. Lars was at her side, holding her left hand, his face still white as a sheet. Chakotay thought he'd maybe done the man an injustice in supposing he was careless of Kathryn's feelings. 

He moved over to assess how she was doing. 

"How is she?" Chakotay asked. 

"Cracked skull, concussion, a few broken bones and bruises..." Lars told him. His face looked lined with worry. "She should be fine in a day or two, but we can't be sure until she comes round. There might be some brain damage." 

"She'll make it," Chakotay soothed. "Seven says she's indestructible." 

Lars gave a small smile. It was an amusing thought, but they both knew it was not true. 

A few other survivors from the blast were brought into the room, but fortunately it never became over-crowded and remained peaceful. Rumours began to circulate of over a hundred deaths and many more serious injuries. 

Chakotay flitted between Seven and Kathryn for hours, anxious for any sign of improvement. Lars sat immobile at Kathryn's side the whole time. Seven rested quietly, well on the way to recovery. Sometimes she slept, sometimes she watched Chakotay with a slight expression of disapproval on her face as Chakotay kept being drawn to Kathryn's bedside, though she never complained. He noticed none of this. He felt sick to his stomach whenever Kathryn was in danger and he justified his behaviour by the mere fact that Kathryn was significantly more injured. 

In the early hours of the morning, to everybody's relief, Kathryn regained consciousness. 

She complained of a terrible headache and petitioned Lars to claim a refund on their tickets. They'd only seen half a match. 

Chakotay knew instantly that Kathryn was going to be fine. 

Seven was released the following morning, Kathryn two days later. They were able to travel back to earth on the same transport they'd always intended to take. It showed the wonders of modern medicine that neither of the women showed any physical signs of their trauma, although the shock of what had transpired would take a while for all four to process. 

They'd lived with danger from day to day in the Delta Quadrant and there had been several occasions when Chakotay had feared for Kathryn's life. He had not expected to be faced with that particular horror now they were back home, and he didn't like the sensation much. 

Back on earth, they settled into their routine none the wiser as to the cause of the explosion. It had been a bomb, a highly localised one. No-one knew why this particular event had been targeted, exept that it was a high profile occasion and would garner a lot of publicity, but since no-one had claimed responsibility, the security forces were baffled as to motive. There were some unverified theories that Admiral Janeway had been the prime target. The siting of the bomb would tend to support this line of enquiry. Kathryn was not particularly thrilled that she might have been the subject of an assassination attempt, nor was she that keen to restrict her movements and step up her security detail. Later, evidence would emerge of Cardassian involvement, but much about this terrorist attack would remain a mystery for some time to come. 

He had no further run-ins with Lars. Indeed, the man seemed a little subdued following the events on Risa. Then, a few weeks later, he had to deal with a crisis of a more personal nature. 


	7. Chapter 7

June 2379

San Francisco

  


Kathryn's comm unit beeped and as always she could tell it was Chakotay calling her before she paged past the insignia. What she hadn't expected was the rather shocked dishevelled look of her former First Officer. 

"Chakotay? Are you alright?" 

"Seven's left me." His eyes were darting about, partly in shame, partly in distress. 

"She what? I'll come right over." 

"No!" he said emphatically, now managing to meet her concerned gaze. "I'll come over to you. I want to get out of this place." He rolled his eyes back towards the room behind him. Kathryn nodded her understanding. "You weren't doing anything important, were you?" It was a Saturday morning, but that didn't mean she had no work to do. In fact Admirals often worked weekends. 

"Nothing that can't wait, no." 

"Are you on your own?" 

"Yes. Lars is busy tonight. I'm all yours. Chakotay, come straight over...you don't have to go through this on your own." 

"Right. See you in a moment." 

The screen went back to the insignia and she pulled away thoughtfully. Even though Seven had never given her any indication that she was about to leave Chakotay, it wasn't a total surprise to her. She was aware all was not well in that particular corner of paradise, but nonetheless she was distressed for her friend. He had been dealt a severe blow. 

Chakotay arrived at Kathryn's apartment minutes later. He looked a wreck: pale, anxious and tousled and she instantly threw her arms around him. It felt entirely natural to do so, but was something that probably wouldn't have happened six months previously, when there was so much distance between them. Chakotay hugged her back, glad of the physical contact with the woman he saw as the rock of his life. 

She pulled back and studied him. There was a haunted look about him. He was still in shock, she decided. She offered him a choice of tea or something stronger. They were soon sitting side by side on her sofa cradling a glass of the stronger: brandy. 

"Are you up to telling me what happened?" 

He nodded. With Kathryn's gentle concern, the initial shock was beginning to wear off. He felt he needed to talk it through with someone he trusted. Occasionally on Voyager, B'Elanna would be his first port of call...but that was often because his emotional turmoil was Kathryn-centred. Today, Kathryn had been his first thought. He needed her steady, calm reassurance. 

"She was late in last night. I think she was talking with the Doctor," he began. "I spoke to her briefly...I was already asleep when she came in. She wasn't particularly forthcoming, but I thought nothing of it. This morning when I woke, she was already dressed...standing at the foot of the bed, looking at me. For a moment I thought she was bringing some tea, but she wanted to talk." Kathryn's hand slipped over his to encourage him. "She told me that she had evaluated our marriage and realised it was insufficient. We were not adequately matched as a couple. I wanted a family. She did not. I wanted..." He hesitated. 

"Go on!" Kathryn encouraged, gently. 

"I wanted intimate relations more often and more varied than she felt was appropriate. She disliked my attempts at foreplay and felt that I prolonged the activity unnecessarily. Because I was an older man, she had expected me to make fewer demands on her sexually and that I would be easily satisfied with occasional perfunctory copulation. She also believed that I valued conversation more highly than she, and that I appeared dissatisfied with her attempts to ask me how my day had been and her queries as to the well-being of my sister. She told me that she had been pleased initially to choose me as a partner and attempt a longer term relationship, but that she had been in error. We were not well suited and she thought it preferable to attempt such a union with a younger man with a lower sexual appetite. She thought I had emotional attachments to...other people and that it was best for both parties if we just ended things. I tried to talk her into trying to work things out for a few months, maybe going to a counsellor...but she was adamant. It would be an inefficient use of time. We would prolong the inevitable instead of giving us both time to meet other more superior suitors. 

Then she started packing. I told her that we should discuss this. She said that discussion was unnecessary as the decision had been made. I'm afraid I lost my temper a bit at that because I considered that I had not been involved in any way in making the decision. She told me that she had come to the conclusion on her own and that she understood that she was free as an individual to do so. My inability to maintain an even voice was an indication that she had made the right decision to avoid discussion. I was apparently displaying an inappropriate amount of emotion! Forty minutes later, she and all her belongings were beamed to a transport centre. Then I called you." 

He shuddered, and Kathryn rubbed her forehead in puzzlement before putting her arm around him. 

"I'm so sorry..." Kathryn consoled. 

"Do you think she'll change her mind?" His earnest eyes met hers and he read her expression without her having to voice it. "Guess not." 

"It sounds to me that she has been particularly insensitive in the way she has gone about this...but I'm afraid she probably doesn't realise what she's doing and how it is affecting you. She has no idea how to deal with emotions. You were right when you said she's like a child in a woman's body." 

"I feel like I was just an experiment to her. Let's try dating, let's try marriage...now let's try divorce." 

"Did she mention divorce?" 

"On her way out. She said she'd contact Starfleet legal." 

"Sounds to me like she's made up her mind." 

"I think she has." 

"Maybe you should give her some time to cool down." 

He was silent for a moment. "I should...maybe. But she was pretty cool. It sounded as if she'd rationalised everything in her head already and there was no room for argument....and my gut tells me...good riddance." 

"That's your anger talking." 

"I'm not sure there is anything worth salvaging." 

"Are you sure? You've put a lot of effort into trying to make the relationship work." 

"God knows I've tried. It's always been rather one-sided." 

"It was never going to be easy. You can't say you didn't go into this with both eyes open...you'd known her for four years. You knew what she could be like." 

"That's a kind way of saying: I told you so." 

"I didn't mean it like that." 

"I know you didn't. I'm sorry." 

"Were you happy...ever? Was there a point at which you felt it was good?" 

"For the first two months perhaps...for me anyway. I'm not sure about her." He paused then dropped his head in his hands. "I've been a prize fool...it's like I've been living in a stupor caused by some mind-altering drug for the last 18 months...Like I've been hallucinating. We are so very different, she's right. I can't think what made me fall for her in the first place..." 

"Oh, I can well imagine what made you fall for her in the first place..." 

"Kathryn!" 

"Well...what hot blooded male could resist? She only had to wiggle her little finger and any number of men would come running! I think she is totally oblivious to the power her body has over...the male population. She's naïve, immature...and she really does not know how to handle it. You can't entirely blame her for this mess. Yes, she's been insensitive and cruel. Yes, she's treated you badly...but I don't believe she has done it knowingly." 

Chakotay sighed. "So you're saying: I'm just another sad old man that's been screwed up by his hormones? You're right. I am stupid." 

"No, you're not stupid. I'm just saying that your reaction to her was understandable." 

"You're being too generous. I am an idiot. How could I ever have expected it to end differently?" 

"You did. You made promises to her...and you expected to keep them. And I know you, Chakotay. You will have done everything possible to work things out. Maybe you should go after her...perhaps tomorrow when you're feeling less raw." 

"I don't know. She seemed pretty damn clear her decision was final. Maybe it's for the best...maybe we're just too different. If I'm honest, it's more my pride that's hurt. It's like what you told me about Lars...I'm sorry she's gone. If she'd stayed, I would have worked at it. But she has gone...my ego is bruised...but I won't be heart-broken." 

"Lars and I aren't married though." 

"What is marriage? A big party and a bit of paper? Eighteen months living under the same roof? If I look at it objectively, I don't see that we had anything more than that. I don't think we ever forged any deep connection." 

Kathryn looked momentarily dismayed at this. "A marriage should be much more than that...a good marriage anyway." 

"Yes, it should." 

"And you had a right to expect it." 

"I did...but honestly I'm not sure she ever tried. I have been such a fool." 

Hours later, it became clear that, unless Seven showed any indication that she had changed her mind, Chakotay would accept the inevitable. He wasn't going to prolong the agony. Kathryn agreed to go and talk to her the following afternoon. She had feared that Seven would be distraught over the break-up, but a quick call established that she was anything but. She was holed up with the Doctor at the Institute of Medicine and already contemplating possible opportunities now that she was a free agent. Chakotay and Kathryn both agreed that the two of them deserved each other. The Doctor's understanding of the nuances of human behaviour were scarcely more developed than Seven's. 

"If he put her up to this, I'll decompile him!" Kathryn had announced and Chakotay had managed a smile. 

Chakotay had calmed down now. He'd poured out all his hurt and anger and let it float away. Kathryn had been a calm and positive sympathiser. She assured him he would feel better in time...that he'd meet other women...and eventually fall in love again. 

But Chakotay was watching Kathryn, mesmerised as she flitted about the room and fussed over him. Her movements were fluid and beautiful. Long buried emotions were churning deep down...ones he'd known for a while were still there but he'd tried, as he'd always done, to suppress them. Seven was gone and he was willing to accept it. He'd been stupid, he'd had his pride hurt and he'd had a rude awakening. But it was probably for the best. What they'd had was not good enough to fight for, nor was it fair to chase after Seven with a heart that was not fully and purely hers. 

And eventually he would fall in love again. 

Except he didn't need to. Because he already was in love with the woman he was watching. He always had been. He hadn't mentioned to Kathryn that Seven had also accused him of being in love with her...which was a difficult argument to counter in that it was very likely true. Seven, it seemed, had always been aware that members of the crew spread rumours about their First Officer's feelings for the Captain. Her observations had led her to believe that the rumours had no foundation...until she observed Chakotay's inappropriate and excessive anxiety for Kathryn's well-being after the Risa explosion. She had cited that as the moment when she'd first begun to seriously question their suitability as partners. 

Kathryn and Chakotay talked for hours and hours. As the day wore on, she coaxed him to eat something and the sense of acceptance began to settle. He became more and more at peace with his situation. 

Kathryn was the centre of his universe, his pillar of strength and purpose. As long as she was part of his life, he would be fine. He had lost her a year ago, nearly for always. That was by far a bigger tragedy than what was happening now. He felt almost guilty for thinking it. It was vulgar to dare to wonder so soon after his wife's departure, but he couldn't help the wheels turning in his head. It was a disservice to Seven, but he couldn't find it in himself to be too generous to the woman who had used him so. He realised that he'd been well and truly led about by Seven, like some ridiculous puppy dog. She'd been the one that proposed. She had set the pace and she had ultimately left him. He'd been a prize fool. 

He'd realised long ago that Kathryn was his one true love. He'd realised the awful truth way before Seven had walked. He'd probably realised the moment B'Elanna had accused him of being jealous, because the truth was: _he was jealous_. Lars had the woman he loved most in the universe. All he needed now was to persuade Kathryn of that truth. 

No, the most stupid thing he had ever done was to turn Kathryn away that day in her Ready Room. None of this mess would ever have happened. His marriage, their estrangement, even Lars. None of it would have happened. 

He wouldn't speak to Kathryn yet, not even for a while to come. It would be crass and insensitive. But he knew he was no lost hopeless soul. He should not feel too sorry for himself. He still had a dream. 

He had no illusions that the dream would be easy to realise. There was that rather dreadful complication of Lars, a man he thought neither appreciated nor deserved the woman he was with. Nor was Kathryn the easiest woman to seduce. 

But he did still have a dream, and that counted for a lot. 

Chakotay stayed the night in Kathryn's apartment, replicating pyjamas, toiletries and clean clothes. 

The following morning, they transported to Indiana to have lunch with Kathryn's mother. Kathryn regularly visited Gretchen on a Sunday and took the dog...Molly II..out for a walk. The dog was at least in part Kathryn's, but she would not keep her in San Francisco with her because of the long hours she worked. Gretchen greeted them both cheerfully and seemed to have forgotten her former animosity towards him, which he supposed had stemmed from his earlier estrangement from Kathryn. In fact, Gretchen displayed the appropriate amount of sympathy for the demise of his marriage. He also got the impression she didn't rate Lars that highly, and she was the first person of their acquaintance that seemed to concur with him that respect. 

They had coffee and brownies in the kitchen, whilst Molly lay her head on Kathryn's thigh and looked at her with doleful expectant eyes. Kathryn could not resist for long, and he, Kathryn and Molly were soon out wandering the fields and woodland as they enjoyed the summer sunshine. 

Chakotay hardly wanted to turn for home, but a delicious three-course lunch beckoned. Chakotay wondered how Kathryn could stay so slim on her mother's cooking, but she ate far less of it than he did. It was all so natural, so charmingly domestic. He could easily imagine spending all his Sundays like this. 

Reality hit like a runaway space shuttle after lunch, when Lars called Kathryn to fix an evening date. He was reminded, and he'd almost forgotten for a few hours, that Kathryn was dating somebody else. That somebody was very much standing in the way of his dream. If only she could see what a heel Lars was! 

They helped clear up after lunch, said their goodbyes to Gretchen and transported back to San Francisco. There they went their separate ways: she to talk to Seven as she had promised the day before: he to his apartment recently vacated by his wife. He really did not want to return. It held too much of Seven in it, despite that she had moved out all her belongings. Kathryn had suggested he moved out too and it seemed like wise advice. He would look straight away for a new place to live. 

They parted with a promise of lunch on the Tuesday. They would be working together that day and often lunched together anyway. This was not out of the ordinary. But Chakotay vowed to step up their time together, to deepen their friendship as a first step to realising his new dream. She'd been there for him this weekend, siding with him when she could have felt sorry for Seven, and that was definitely a good sign. 

He wondered what terrible tales of his inadequacy Seven might be imparting to her, but the next day Kathryn assured him that that hadn't been the case at all. She had in fact divulged a lot of appreciation for all Chakotay had done for her and that she was pleased he had been the one to initiate her into the complex world of committed relationships. Kathryn had told her that she needed to be much more considerate of the other person's feeling. She had managed to persuade Seven to take a long hard look at her own engagement in the marriage. Seven would have to put more effort into a relationship to make it work and be more sensitive to the other person's needs. But it wouldn't be with Chakotay. She wanted a clean and quick separation from him. 

And by the time Kathryn relayed all this to him, he was far more relieved than upset. 


	8. Chapter 8

September 2379

San Francisco

  


Kathryn certainly had a fancy office at Starfleet HQ, Chakotay reflected, as he entered the outer room in which her aide was busy packing away obviously intending to go home. He had already dimmed the lights, although glancing through the door towards Kathryn's desk in her inner office, he saw the light was still on. Tonight, it was nearly dark outside and you could not fully appreciate the magnificent view across the bay. 

"Good evening, Captain Chakotay," her aide welcomed him. "I'm afraid Admiral Janeway has been called away urgently. She doesn't expect to be too long, so she told me to tell you to take a seat and wait...if that's okay." 

"Certainly. I am most probably a little early," he answered sinking into the most comfortable chair in the room. 

"Can I get you anything before I go? Tea? Coffee?" 

"You're about to leave? Don't let me keep you!" 

"Are you sure I can't get you anything first? I can stay, if you wish." 

"No...I'll be fine. Now get home to your family, go on!" 

The aide grabbed his coat from a stand behind the door, where another coat hung, presumably Kathryn's. 

"Thank-you, sir. Have a good evening!" 

"You too, lieutenant! Good night!" 

Instantly, the aide was gone, and Chakotay relaxed into the chair enjoying the quiet. A couple of months had gone by since Seven had left him and their divorce had gone through swiftly. He had not let her go without opposition and couldn't find it in himself to harbour many regrets. His friendship with Kathryn was now flourishing, although she was not in any way receptive to discussion of Lars suitability as a boyfriend, which frustrated him a little. He figured he could afford to be patient. He had after all only just got divorced. 

Kathryn had asked him here for a slightly informal meeting. They were going to go over the details for their meeting in the morning with the full committee and then Lars was going to join them later for a drink and a meal. He pulled out a padd from his bag and began reading a treatise on 22nd century migration. He hardly noticed the ten minutes that passed before he heard footsteps at the door. 

To his surprise, it wasn't Kathryn that entered, it was Lars. Chakotay stood to greet the man with as much civility as he could muster. Lars beamed easily at him as he entered the room and Chakotay noticed he was carrying a bottle of wine wrapped in white tissue paper. 

"Chakotay, my dear friend! How are you? Is Kathryn not here?" 

"I'm well, thank-you. And, no, she's not here. She was called away on an urgent matter apparently, but doesn't expect to be too long." 

"Damn. I needed to see her. I wanted to explain that something's come up and I can't stay. It'll just be the two of you, I'm afraid. Tell her I'll explain it all later." 

"Nothing serious, I hope?" 

"No, no! Just apologise to her for me, will you?" Lars put the bottle he was carrying down on the aide's desk. "I brought this for you to share while you go over your most tedious business. Thought it might oil the brain cells. It's a Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion...one of Kathryn's favourites. It's a rather superior vintage and very much a shame to waste it. There should be some glasses around here somewhere. Kathryn's rather partial to the odd tipple. Well, I'll leave the two of you to enjoy it!" 

"Thank-you. I'm sure we will," Chakotay replied, inwardly groaning. Surely the man remembered that he wasn't allowed alcohol at the moment because of his medication, having contracting a rare strain of Rigellian gmumba fever a few weeks back...something that had been rather odd at the time, since he hadn't been in contact with anyone sick nor visited any Rigellian homeworlds. Whilst the disease was mild and he was fine now, it had to be completely purged from his system and he was still on strict medication for six weeks. 

"Well, I must be going. Enjoy your evening!" 

"And you." 

In an instant, Lars was gone again and Chakotay studied the bottle on the table with a slight frown for a few moments as if it were an aberration, before resuming his reading. 

Probably another ten minutes went by before more voices were heard in the corridor, one of which was distinctly Kathryn's. Then three people burst into the room, all of whom sounded a little irritated. Kathryn was followed by Admiral Hawkes and another of her aides, Lieutenant Caxton, a young eager man in his thirties with severely thinning hair. 

"Well...if that wasn't a wild goose chase...I've got better things to do with my time! Why hello, Chakotay! I hope you haven't been waiting long." 

"Not too long. I've had my homework to do," he explained, waving his padd towards her. 

"I had a message from Admiral Hawkes to say Senator T'Narek was here at HQ and needed to see me at once, but it turned out to have been someone's idea of a prank. We had to chase half way round the building before we discovered T'Narek isn't even in San Francisco. He's not getting in from Vulcan till tomorrow morning." 

"Let me see the message, Kathryn," said Hawkes. 

Kathryn activated her computer screen and scrolled down to show the message to Hawkes. 

They studied the message for a few moments, as Hawkes commented that it needed further investigation. It certainly hadn't come from him. 

At that moment, Kathryn noticed the bottle of wine on the table and picked it up gleefully. She drew it out of the tissue paper and her eyes grew wide. "La Mondette! And a '69 at that!" 

Chakotay cleared his throat. "Lars brought it in. He apologised about tonight, but something's come up. He told us to enjoy it." 

"Well, indeed. I think we've earned it after chasing around after T'Narek." She pulled four glasses and a corkscrew out of a side cabinet and drew the cork. 

"Will you join us, William?" she asked Admiral Hawkes. 

"I'm afraid I must decline, tempting as the offer is. I need to be getting home. Celia has tickets for the theatre tonight." He moved towards the office door. "I've forwarded that to the security guys...see what they make of it." 

"Right. Enjoy your evening!" 

"Enjoy your wine!" said Hawkes before disappearing. 

Kathryn turned to Lieutenant Caxton, whose eyes were on stalks at the prospect of sampling such an exclusive vintage. 

"How about you, Julian?" 

"I won't say no. Dana's out for the evening." 

"Well, good, because poor Chakotay here isn't allowed any at the moment. And I can't drink the whole bottle by myself." She poured two glasses and handed one to Caxton. 

"Oh, I think you could, Kathryn," Chakotay teased. 

"Well... maybe on occasions...but not when there's still work to do. Can I get you a juice?" 

"That would be lovely, thank-you." 

She went back to the cabinet and opened a few doors to no avail. She went through into her office and similarly drew a blank. 

"Don't worry!" he called through her office door. "Replicated will be fine." 

Kathryn reappeared with a replicated bottle of juice and poured some for Chakotay in one of the glasses. She handed it to him. "So glad you're not fussy." 

He smiled and took a sip. "So what exactly did Lars say?" 

Caxton coughed. 

"He asked me to apologise on his behalf, but something came up. He said he'd explain later. That's all, I'm afraid." 

Kathryn picked up her wineglass, but was diverted by an ghastly choking noise from Caxton. They both looked in the direction of the young man, who was swaying alarmingly. He was hunching over his stomach, eyes bulging in a tortuous green face. 

"Julian? Are you alright?" she said anxiously, depositing her glass back on the table, which was a stupid question really, because he clearly wasn't alright. 

The wine glass tipped from his hand and spilt onto the ubiquitous grey Starfleet carpet. Kathryn caught him as he began to sink to the ground. 

Kneeling over him as he slipped onto the floor, she hit her comm. badge. "Medical emergency, room H194." 

Chakotay leaned over the stricken man. "Is it a heart attack?" 

Caxton tried unsuccessfully to speak as a red froth spilled from his mouth. 

"No...I think it was the wine." 

"Can we get it out of him?" 

"I don't know. We could try turning him...." 

But at that point two doctors beamed into the room and took over. Chakotay sat back on his chair, while Kathryn paced, occasionally throwing a worried look in his direction. The doctors worked for several minutes and clearly weren't having a lot of success. They attached the poor man to an artificial respirator. 

"His heart's stopped," said one of the doctors, addressing Kathryn. "We'll beam him over to the medical facility, but there may not be much we can do. Did either of you drink any of the wine?" 

"No," Kathryn replied emphatically. 

"Not even a sip?" 

"No...that's my glass over there. I haven't even touched it." 

"Don't touch a thing. We'll alert security. You two had better wait here." 

Kathryn nodded and inclined her head towards her inner office. Chakotay took that to mean that they should move out the way, so he followed her through. Not long after they had they left the room, the doctors and patient beamed away. Kathryn sat down at her desk and dropped her head in her hands. Chakotay eyed her sympathetically. She always took these things hard. 

"He's a young man...got a new partner. Dana. Someone should contact her." 

"Didn't he say she was working late?" 

"Yes...and I don't know where. I don't have a frequency for her..." 

"They'll find it. He must have his comm. badge on him." 

She leaned back in her chair. "That wine was meant for me, wasn't it? Just like the explosion." 

"Whom have you been pissing off lately?" 

"Well...there are probably a few I could put on the list." 

Chakotay was tempted to say Lars...after all the man had brought the wine...but he refrained from adding to her distress. 

There was a noise in the outer office and a tall thin man appeared at the door flanked by another security operative. A third man was scanning the room. 

"Commander Charles Forkan, ma'am," he introduced himself. "Starfleet security. These are Commander Rodin and Lieutenant Marcus." 

Kathryn stood up to approach Forkan. A voice from behind him said, "Wine is definitely contaminated, sir. Having trouble identifying the substance." 

"Admiral, Captain," he said, glancing towards Chakotay, "Would you like to come through and talk us through what exactly happened? I need to warn you we will be recording this conversation." 

"Understood." 

They returned to the scene of the crime and Chakotay explained how Lars had turned up with the bottle of the wine whilst the Admiral had been sent on a fool's errand. Kathryn explained how she had poured two glasses, and Caxton had drunk only a couple of sips from one. 

"Must be potent. What's on there, lieutenant?" He glanced towards the guy scanning the wine bottle. 

"DNA residue from Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay. I'm detecting no other," Lieutenant Marcus answered. 

"Impossible!" protested Chakotay. "I never touched it." 

"Nothing from Commodore Petersson?" asked Forkan. 

The man frowned. "We don't seem to have any record of Petersson's DNA....but no sir...just the two traces registering." 

"When he brought it in, it was wrapped in tissue paper," Chakotay added. 

Marcus looked up. "And where is the tissue paper now? Conveniently in the recycler, eh?" There was a suspicious snarl about the man's tone. 

"No, it's not," interjected Kathryn. "It's over there on the cabinet." She pointed to a little scrunched up ball of white paper on the side cabinet that had held the glasses. 

"Hmmpf," grumbled the man and turned his scanner to the offending item. "Same result. Two DNA patterns: yours, Captain Chakotay, and the Admiral's." 

"I told you I never touched it. That's impossible." 

"The evidence would suggest otherwise. May I remind you we only have your word that Commodore Petersson was even here. Check that with the desk," Forkan said, turning to Rodin, who immediately opened his console and began to make some calls. 

"Wouldn't you expect DNA from more than two individuals? There must have been lots of people that handled the wine before it arrived here," Kathryn asked. 

"It is most unusual," Forkan admitted. "It would suggest a newly manufactured item...which vintage wine surely isn't...or that the exterior had been completely sterilised recently." 

"Then that's suspicious in itself." 

Forkan nodded. "The wine was intended for you, was it, Admiral?" 

"That is my understanding." 

"And Caxton was not the intended recipient?" 

"No. As I said before, he happened to be here and I offered..." 

"And that's his glass on the floor?" 

"Yes." 

"Admiral, could you point out your glass to me?" 

"It's on the desk." 

"And you poured it?" 

"I poured both glasses." 

"Had you drunk any?" 

"No." 

"Captain Chakotay, where is your glass?" 

"It's there, down beside the chair I was sitting in!" 

"It has fruit juice in it." 

"Yes." 

"Do you not drink wine, Mr. Chakotay?" There was an element of sarcasm in his voice. 

"I do normally, yes. I have been banned from taking any alcohol for six weeks, while on medication for Rigellian gmumba fever." 

"That's mighty convenient." 

"You can check my medical records, if you like." 

"I certainly will. Rigellian gmumba fever? Never heard of it. Is that something you've invented?" 

"I assure you, it isn't." 

Rodin looked up from his console. "It's extremely rare, sir. Considered to be virtually eradicated. The chances of getting it on Rigel are slim to none. On earth...a virtual impossibility." 

Forkan nodded. "Been to Rigel lately, sir?" 

"No, never." 

"Have you been off planet in the last six months?" 

"Only to Risa, sir. With Admiral Janeway, Commodore Petersson and my ex-wife, Seven of Nine." 

"I believe you were at the football match in May when there was a horrific bomb attack?" 

"Yes." 

"In which the Admiral and your ex-wife were very nearly killed?" 

"Fortunately they survived." 

"Yes, they did. But ninety-eight other souls weren't so lucky." 

"No." 

"And you and Petersson were both there." 

"Yes." 

"But not injured?" 

"No." 

"How did you escape injury?" 

"We were farther from the blast." 

"Indeed. You rather conveniently left the stand at the crucial moment." 

"That was Lars' suggestion. He wanted to buy hot dogs for the girls for half-time. He thought we'd beat the queue." 

"Another attempt to shift the blame onto the Commodore?" 

"Not at all. It's the truth." 

"It was Lars' suggestion," Kathryn asserted. "I can confirm that." 

Forkan turned back to the Admiral. "Can you think of anyone who would want to kill you, Admiral?" 

"I can give you a list as long as your arm." 

"So there could be a long list of suspects. But I think this is personal. I have two names at the top of my list. And you have yet to explain to me how your DNA got on that wine bottle without your touching it!" 

"I have no idea....it would suggest someone is setting me up." 

"Sir," interrupted Rodin, "I regret to inform you that Lieutenant Caxton was pronounced dead on arrival at SMF." 

"No!" cried Kathryn in an anguished tone. 

"So we now have a murder inquiry," said Forkan. 

"Sir, I have a match for the poison," said Marcus. "It's an obscure strain of Voraxna. Cardassian...used by the Obsidian Order." 

"The plot thickens!" commented Forkan with relish. "Deadly, I imagine?" 

"Death within seconds even with tiny quantities." 

"Poor Caxton didn't stand a chance," said Kathryn miserably. 

"I have the report from the desk," Rodin interrupted again. "It appears Commodore Petersson has never entered the building this evening. Apparently, there are over fifty witnesses to place him in New York for the last four or five hours. He has a cast-iron alibi." 

"Thank-you," commented Forkan. 

"That can't be true! I tell you, he was here...in this room. We had a conversation..." Chakotay insisted. 

"There's more," Rodin added. 

Rodin looked a little hesitant. "Spit it out, Commander!" ordered Forkan irritably. 

"There's security footage from earlier. They're patching it through now." 

They all moved closer to Rodin's screen and watched in awe at the footage of Chakotay walking into Starfleet HQ through a security checkpoint at 17.45 with a wine bottle wrapped in white tissue paper under his arm. 

"That's been tampered with! I came in here at about 17.30 and the only thing I had on me was this padd!" Chakotay protested. 

Forkan straightened up and frowned at Chakotay's response. "So you say, but the evidence suggests otherwise. Mr. Chakotay, I'm arresting you for the murder of Lieutenant Julian Caxton and the attempted murder of Admiral Janeway. You have the right to remain silent....." 

Chakotay watched dumbly as Forkan put him in handcuffs. "This is absurd. I wouldn't do anything to harm Kathryn. She's my dearest friend. That wasn't me...carrying that wine..." He couldn't believe this. What the hell was happening? 

"I assure you it was. The security guard has confirmed that he saw you carrying the wine." 

"Lars brought in that bottle. This has got to be a terrible mistake." Chakotay's tone was frantic. 

"We only have your word for that. One of you has brought that poisoned wine into the room, and my money's on you! Commodore Petersson has never been on the premises this evening. He has not been through any of the security checks and he has a water-tight alibi in New York. Rodin, review the shielding for the last 12 hours please. See if there were any glitches in the security net that would have allowed any unauthorised transport..." 

"On it, sir." 

The man went back to work and Chakotay sank despondently back onto the chair he'd occupied earlier. 

"This is absurd," he repeated. "What possible motive would I have? I love her. I wouldn't harm a hair on her head." 

Forkan glanced at Kathryn Janeway, who had been pacing the room and was just beginning to pull herself together after the shock of what had just happened. Her eyes went round in surprise at Chakotay's comment, and the look did not escape Forkan's notice. 

"Admiral, may we speak in private?" Forkan asked her. 

Kathryn nodded. "Come through into my office." 

"Lieutenant Marcus, watch this man. If he so much as twitches, stun him." 

"Yes sir." 

Forkan followed Kathryn through into her office and closed the door. Chakotay buried his head in his hands and tried unsuccessfully to decipher the soft sounds coming from behind the door. It was five minutes later when Forkan and Kathryn emerged. Chakotay looked up anxiously and Kathryn's concerned gaze met his briefly. 

"Well, Captain Chakotay," Forkan addressed him, "It seems you have a champion in the Admiral here. She says she would trust you with her life and believe your word over Petersson's any day. You will have to accompany us to the detention centre for questioning however...so, if you wouldn't mind...." 

Chakotay very much did mind, but he didn't have much choice. He stood to leave with the two remaining officers when Kathryn addressed him. 

She touched him briefly, reassuringly on the arm. "Chakotay...don't worry. We'll get to the bottom of this." 

Their eyes met for a moment, full of anguish and worry. Then he was dragged away to spend the next 36 hours in a small cell, the only relief being two long gruelling sessions in an interview room. 


	9. Chapter 9

On the morning of the second day, he was asked to come to the front desk, where he found an impatient Kathryn waiting for him. 

"Chakotay! Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine," he answered, more concerned for her. She looked as if she hadn't had any sleep since he'd last seen her. 

"You're being released without charge," confirmed the desk clerk. "We may have more questions, so you will need to give us an address where you can be found. You will not be able to leave the planet for two weeks." 

"He'll stay with me," Kathryn responded. 

"Kathryn...that isn't necessary." 

"No argument, Chakotay. I need to fill you in on what's happened. Besides, the press are camped outside both our homes...and my house has a long drive, so at least we can get some privacy. You can stay in a spare room for a while." 

"Thank-you," he said gratefully. He was secretly thrilled at the prospect of spending some more private time with Kathryn. 

"If you'd sign here, Captain..." said the desk clerk, pushing a padd towards Chakotay. 

Within minutes, they were in an air taxi shuttling them back towards Kathryn's lovely home. 

"I called in the troops," she explained en route. "Seven, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Tom, Harry. We've all been working on it. Lars is guilty as hell...so you can relax. There's no way you're going down for this. He just wanted to implicate you. They're looking for him now. He seems to have slipped the net...." 

"My G-d...we'd better be careful." 

"Don't worry. We both need a security detail until he's apprehended...another reason for you to stay in my house for the moment." 

"How did you find him out?" 

"Well, I'd better start from the beginning. The six of us sat down and thrashed it all out. When we put our heads together, we move mountains. I knew we'd figure it out faster than Security. Lars had a water-tight alibi. He spent the evening in New York with no less than five high ranking Federal diplomats, whose reputations were beyond question. They all confirmed his presence the entire time. This was suspicious in itself, because he never told me he had a diplomatic meeting. 

"You were expecting him to meet us for dinner here." 

"Exactly. But, of course, if I'd died, I wouldn't have been able to tell anyone that he'd mislead me as to his whereabouts that evening. You'd just look completely stupid (and rather suspect) for insisting the three of us were going to meet for dinner this evening when he'd had a long-standing engagement elsewhere. Even the booking at the restaurant was for two in your name." 

"He made the booking!" 

"I know he did. And it always was for two. It was never changed. So we worked from the assumption that you were telling the truth and so were the diplomats. Which meant that Lars had to be in two places at the same time. Which led us to the conclusion that Lars had an identical twin brother, or a clone or something else more obvious, which I'll explain in a minute. So we had the New York venue scanned for his DNA...which would not necessarily have been helpful as there did not seem to be any on file for him." 

"So it didn't show anything?" 

"Oh yes. It most definitely showed something. The DNA residue was Cardassian." 

"Spirits!" Chakotay was shocked. "So the real Lars somehow got into Starfleet HQ?" 

"Oh no! We've been through everything with a fine toothcomb. There was no way Lars could have got into Headquarters except through the front door. There were no glitches in the security grid, no way for anyone to have penetrated the shield. In short, Lars was never at HQ." 

The full horror of what she was saying was beginning to sink in. "Are you saying the real Lars was in New York?" 

"Yes." 

"But..." 

"It means that Lars is not who he appears to be. He has Cardassian DNA." 

"Oh...sh-t." 

"Chakotay, I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you tried to warn me about him." 

He looked at her with concern. "Let's not dwell on that. What's important now is that they find him." 

"They got a massive manhunt underway. There's no way he's gotten off the planet." 

"Good. So who was it that came into the office with the wine? How did he manage it?" 

"Well, here's the interesting part, the part that completely exonerates you. You believed the man to be Lars. And, if it wasn't a twin or a clone and it managed to get by security, it had to be a hologram. And there is only one hologram in existence that could both fool security and move about without being restricted to a holodeck." 

"The Doctor!" cried Chakotay incredulously. 

"Lars, it seems, had managed to gain access to the labs over the last two days. The Doctor's holo-emitter was exactly where it should be. But when B'Elanna and Seven tested it...under careful supervision I might add... they found it had been tampered with. Both Lars and your templates had been downloaded into the emitter and utilised in the previous 24 hours. The Doctor's ethical subroutines had also been altered, and all alterations designed to erase themselves after 24 hours. Fortunately we got to the mobile emitter before it had a chance to reset. The hologram had walked out the labs looking like the Doctor, having sent me on a wild goose chase to get me out of the office. That way I would never see him, nor query his change of plan. He had to get in and out without anybody seeing him, except you. His intention was to make you look as if you were lying through your teeth. He'd taken on your appearance before walking in through security at 17.45 carrying the offending bottle of wine. Nothing triggered any alarms. You had already gone through at 17.30, but that recording had conveniently been rendered useless by some sort of power surge. You didn't both go through the same entrance, so it wasn't easily noticeable that two separate guards had seen you arrive. Once inside, he switched his appearance to Lars. Your template may well have been in his program from way back when...but the template for Lars had no reason to be there unless it was to be used to commit a crime." 

"So it was the Doctor who tried to kill you?" 

"Programmed by Lars, yes. I assure you he is completely mortified. It's hard to believe it was possible after all we've tried to do to prevent his program from being tampered with. And it was Lars who set the bomb in the stadium. There was a DNA match with the New York sample." 

Chakotay sank back in the seat with a sigh. "This just defies all logic. So now we know the how, the question is why? What could you have possibly done to cause him to want you dead?" Kathryn's eyes clouded a little, and Chakotay immediately regretted the bluntness of his words. "Oh...I'm sorry...are you alright, Kathryn?" he asked with concern. 

She nodded. "The adrenaline has kept me going over the last few days. I haven't had much sleep...I just wanted to get you out of that cell. I'll feel better once they catch him." 

Just then the taxi began its descent into Kathryn's backyard and Chakotay glanced out of the window. He caught a brief glimpse of the hoards of reporters armed with cameras waiting outside her gate, before they were hidden by the house. He was truly shocked, even though they had all had to deal with an intrusive amount of media interest since Voyager had returned home. "Is it like this at my place?" 

"Probably worse." 

They walked across the lawn into a back entrance and were immediately greeted by a wonderful aroma of cooking. It seemed Kathryn's mother, Gretchen, had arrived and was just removing a batch of brownies from the oven. 

The three of them settled down to a late breakfast of toast, coffee, tea and brownies, which after 36 hours of penitentiary food picked at in a state of high anxiety, Chakotay enjoyed immensely. Kathryn seemed to relax and enjoy herself too, now that she had extricated him from Starfleet's secure facility. For the moment she put concerns about Lars' whereabouts out of her mind. They would speculate on it later. 

Chakotay could really get used to this convivial family gathering, something he had missed for a long time. He couldn't think of a single time he'd sat over a long leisurely breakfast with Seven, not even right after their wedding. If he cared to think about it, their marriage was sorely short of warm affirming moments. 

The day stretched on. Neither one of them considered going to work. Indeed they had both been granted indefinite leave. He and Kathryn spent many hours dissecting the news coverage, speculating on the reporters, on Lars' motives, on how on earth he'd managed to get Chakotay's DNA onto the bottle of wine without anyone noticing and lamenting their respective lack of success at relationships. Sometimes they laughed at themselves, but underlying it Chakotay felt concern for how Kathryn was dealing with it. After all, her lover had just tried to kill her, and twice while they were talking a desolate look came over her face. As her eyes glazed over, he took her into his arms. It felt such a natural thing to do. He didn't hesitate. He hugged her close as the tears wet his shoulder. He pressed several kisses into her hair, which she most certainly didn't notice. 

Yes, it felt natural. 

And wonderful. 

He couldn't deny it to anyone anymore. He wanted her. He'd always loved her. Now they were both free again, his hope surged that maybe this time they could be together, that they could finally be more than friends. Even through his concern about her reaction to Lars' betrayal, he couldn't help the small thrill that the man was finally out of the picture and that Kathryn was once again technically single. It was too early to say anything. She was still reeling from the shock. She needed time to heal. 

But the bottom line was that he loved being with her. He felt totally at home in Kathryn's admittedly rather superior home. He'd been lonely since Seven left...since before Seven left, if he was honest. Seven had never been able to fill the hole left by the absence of Kathryn's friendship. He sensed Gretchen watching him, assessing him. There was an air of disapproval about the way she viewed his interaction with Kathryn and his wariness was proved right when later she warned him in private not to break Kathryn's heart all over again. 

For a moment, he was lost for words. He thought his having broken her heart was over-stating it a little, but he did not say so. Instead, he assured her that Kathryn was much more likely to break his. 

Late in the evening, the call came through that Lars had been apprehended attempting to leave Earth via the New Dehli Spaceport. They waited up several hours, hoping for further information, but eventually their lack of sleep told on them. Kathryn, it transpired, had barely allowed herself any rest over the previous two days as she worked frantically to exonerate him and was beyond exhausted. She had made up the bed in a spare room that he'd used once before. He wouldn't mind if staying over became a habit. They all turned in as their bodies craved the rest they so badly needed. 


	10. Chapter 10

Early the next morning, Forkan called to say that their team would come over to talk to both of them. Kathryn offered to come into HQ for the meeting, but Forkan insisted that it wasn't necessary. They'd both been through enough. 

Breakfast turned out to be more tense than the previous day's, as they ruminated over what news Forkan might bring. 

By 09.30, Chakotay and Kathryn were seated in her lounge opposite Forkan, Rodin and Marcus. Marcus seemed to have lost the sneer with which he had regarded Chakotay previously. 

"I am pleased to inform you that Commodore Lars Petersson, at least that's how you knew him, has been formally charged with the murder of Lieutenant Julian Caxton and the attempted murder of yourself, Admiral," Forkan informed them. "He has also been charged with the murder of 98 civilians on Risa in May, and causing grievous bodily harm to 110 others. He appears not to be contesting any of the charges, so there are unlikely to be any lengthy proceedings as a result. He's been surprisingly co-operative, once he knew the game was up. Indeed, he seems to want to make his actions and motives clear." 

It turns out that he was indeed Cardassian, genetically altered to appear human. His DNA is a perfect match to the traces found on the bombs on Risa. His service record is virtually all a fake, at least everything before 18 months ago. He has never served on any ships in Starfleet and he's never set foot in Sweden. He is very skilled in the art of deception, and his depth of knowledge of Bajoran and Cardassian affairs has all come from watching from the Cardassian sidelines. It seems he is a high ranking member of the Obsidian order, and his real name is Lamik Tagor." 

Forkan paused to see if the name produced any reaction in his audience. Indeed, Kathryn was white as a sheet, but this had already happened some minutes before Forkan had named her enemy. 

She swallowed. "What was his motive? Why did he wish me dead?" 

"Ah well... here's where it gets more interesting. Apparently it wasn't his original intention to kill you, Admiral. He wanted to use you to get closer to his real intended victim, which was you Captain Chakotay. He wanted you to suffer. He wanted you to watch the people you love die...better yet make you the instrument of their death and have you incarcerated for the rest of your life." 

Chakotay drew a deep breath. "I imagine I have any number of enemies on Cardassia." 

"I'm sure you do. Plenty who would step right up and draw a phaser on you, no doubt. But go to such elaborate lengths? A whole year of deceiving the people around him whilst plotting their downfall? Not many." There were a few moments of silence as both Kathryn and Chakotay absorbed this startling information. 

"Then who is Lamik Tagor?" Chakotay asked. "Who is this man? Whom have I offended so severely to merit revenge on this scale?" 

"Don't you know?" Forkan leaned forward with an amused smile on his face. Surely the name meant something to Chakotay. 

"Lamik?" Chakotay tested it on his tongue. It seemed somehow familiar. Tagor rang no bells, but somehow Lamik seemed to whisper familiarity into his mind. He searched for a few moments, sifting through memories as it finally dawned on him. "Seska!" 

"Seska?" cried Kathryn, somewhat shocked. Could that woman still be destroying their lives after so many years? 

"She had a brother, Lamik! Are Lars and Lamik one and the same? I never met him and she never gave any impression they were close." 

"Yes," answered Forkan. "Lamik Tagor is the elder brother of Seska, who was your former lover, is that correct?" 

"Yes," responded Chakotay, more ashamed of that particular liaison than his relationship with Seven. 

"And she had used similar genetic manipulation to appear Bajoran and had been a spy on your Maquis ship for two years?" 

"Yes." 

"Her deception was uncovered?" 

"Yes," answered Kathryn. "During the second year of our journey." 

"And after that she defected to a group called the Kazon? I've read the logs...but I may need to ask you both questions on a formal basis later. She eventually lost her life as a result of an attempt by the Kazon to capture the ship. And Lamik Tagor blames you, Captain. He says, in somewhat colourful language, that you threw his sister over, sold her out to the Kazon, abandoned her to be abused and tortured by them and ultimately were responsible for her death." 

"She went of her own volition! She betrayed us! She had no-one to blame but herself," protested Chakotay. 

"I assure you, logs and witnesses bear this out. I'm afraid Tagor does not see it that way. And you, Admiral, are perceived as having a part in all this, which does not render you blameless in his eyes. Revenge, you see, is a very powerful motivator. 

His original plan was to murder Seven of Nine, but he soon came to believe that in fact the person you loved most was Kathryn Janeway. Whether there is any truth in this supposition is not relevant. Tagor's observation of your interaction had him convinced. Therefore, his plan was to have both Seven and the Admiral killed on Risa at the football tournament. His plan didn't work, because the two ladies did not stay put when you left them, something that he had not counted on. After that, you and Seven separated, so she effectively took herself out of the equation. Lamik became even more convinced that your affections rested on the Admiral. Plan B was to kill the Admiral by your own hand...hence the deception with the wine bottle. In his arrogance, he proved relatively easy to apprehend. He never believed he would be caught with his water-tight alibi and his scheming to implicate you, Captain. He arranged for the Admiral to be out of her office on a false errand when you arrived. He even surreptitiously infected you with Rigellian gmumba fever. We have traced the source back to Cardassia. The Obsidian order are well practiced in handling toxins and infectious agents. Therefore, you couldn't partake of the bottle, thereby looking guilty as hell. He knew however that the Admiral would not resist such an excellent vintage. It was lethal stuff...one sip was all that was necessary. Poor Caxton however was unfortunately the first to take that sip. Admiral, you must have more lives than a cat!" 

"I'm afraid that is no consolation to Caxton's family," Kathryn commented soberly. 

"No, indeed," responded Forkan, slightly regretting the tone of his previous remark. "It was a remarkably clever plot, one that he would have easily got away with had you done as expected and drunk that wine first. You wouldn't have been around to corroborate Captain Chakotay's assertion that Tagor was expected at your office that evening and that he had never given any indication that he was attending a meeting in New York. He also didn't bargain on your tenacity, Admiral, and that of Ms Torres and Seven of Nine. You ferreted out the truth, and hit upon the extraordinary way this crime had been committed in such a way as to implicate Captain Chakotay. It was not something we at Starfleet security would have dreamt up in a million years, and, even if we had, the evidence of the crime would have deleted itself from the EMH's programming by the time we caught up with it." 

"My crew are very resourceful," Kathryn said proudly. "We have developed a great ability to think outside the box." 

"We had to in order to survive," added Chakotay. "And may I say that much of that is to do with the inspired leadership they had in you. You are too modest sometimes, Kathryn." He glanced affectionately in her direction and she gave an embarrassed half smile. 

"Well," said Forkan, rising, "We will leave you to enjoy the rest of your day. You may relax now Tagor is in custody. There is no evidence that he was working with anyone else. We may need to question you further, but it need not be today." 

"Do you need us to formally identify him?" Kathryn asked. 

"No...no! You wouldn't recognise the man we have in custody. He has undergone a full genetic reversion and is now fully Cardassian. But we have the right man, I assure you. I watched as he transformed from Lars Petersson into Lamik Tagor. It was a rather frightful experience, as I am sure you are aware. So there's no need to identify him...unless you want to look the man in the eye?" 

"Let us think on it a while." 

"Very well. We'll be on our way. Will I be able to contact you both here over the next few days?" 

"He'll be staying with me at least two more nights," Kathryn told him. 

"Good. I wish you a good day then." So Forkan and his team left. 

For a while Kathryn stared vacantly ahead. This was more shocking news to take in. Chakotay moved towards her, put his arm round her and drew her to his chest. 

"It'll be okay, Kathryn. It'll be okay. We're both alive and well...and Lars is no longer a threat to us." 

She nodded against his shoulder. "How could I be so taken in? I've dated a Cardassian for nearly a year...a murderer...what a fool I must be! How can anyone have such a ridiculously pathetic love life?" 

"You and me both. I dated Seska for more than a year...and I never had a clue. I felt so ashamed afterwards...and then she went and put all our lives in danger! What is wrong with me?" 

"What's wrong with both of us? I must have the worst track record in the romance stakes of any woman in Starfleet...at least of the ones who are interested in having a love life." 

"No? Really? What about Nechayev?" 

"She doesn't count. She's married to the job." 

"I always thought you were a little married to the job. I thought you didn't want a serious relationship." 

"On Voyager it was out of necessity, not out of choice. Since we got home... Well, let's just say a woman can be forgiven for wanting a bit of action without any added complications." 

"Of course." He felt her tremble again. 

"Unfortunately, I got more complications than I could ever have bargained for. I had no clue...no idea...I really was enjoying myself. He was so convincing..." she sobbed. 

He pulled her tighter, touching her brow gently with his lips. "I'm sorry that Lars has turned out to be so...twisted. I don't want to see you hurt, Kathryn. You are such an incredible, beautiful woman...you deserve to find happiness. You mustn't let a sh-t like Lars ruin your future relationships..." 

She pulled back. "It isn't Lars, not really. I meant what I said when I told you he wouldn't break my heart. I held back from giving him my whole heart." 

"Then what is it? What is it that's hurting you so much?" 

"Do you mind, Chakotay? I don't want to talk about it!" and she left the room to tidy herself up. 


	11. Chapter 11

October 2379

San Francisco

  


Chakotay stayed three more nights in Kathryn's home and he loved every minute of it. They talked freely, laughed often. Lars being in custody seemed to lift a weight off their shoulders. They dined, relaxed, enjoyed walks well away from media attention, discussed their Delta Quadrant project, life the universe and everything. It was as if their friendship had never lapsed. Gretchen still seemed to eye him with suspicion, but he felt she had good reason. He did, however, put a lot of effort into getting to know her and hopefully putting her mind at ease as to his intentions towards Kathryn. Because there was no denying it. He did have intentions towards Kathryn. He loved her. He always had. He'd just lost himself for a while. He wanted a full relationship with her, and now that Lars was out the way he felt it was a realistic possibility. It was too soon to tell her though. She was still a little raw and occasionally had that haunted far-away look. When she did, he just pulled her in his arms and comforted her. A few stolen kisses in her hair went unnoticed, and the odd hug or kiss on the cheek could not be construed as anything beyond friendly concern. 

She assured him several times that it wasn't Lars that had her momentarily so desolate. When he tried to push her for an explanation, he only ever got one enigmatic comment. She muttered something about lost dreams. He told her she hadn't lost anything permanently. Her dreams were waiting for her. She was still a young, incredibly successful, amazing and attractive woman. She had everything to look forward to. She cast him a slightly doubtful, yet curious glance, but did not pursue the conversation. 

Chakotay reluctantly left for his own apartment when he felt he could no longer justify imposing upon Kathryn. His apartment had seemed stark and empty after Seven left, but now it seemed even more so. He was lonely. His apartment was somewhere he no longer wanted to be, and, despite Kathryn's advice, he hadn't got around to finding somewhere new to live. He found himself sending messages to Kathryn several times a night. He couldn't settle to a book or other entertainment. He lived for the three days he worked with her, especially for the lunches they occasionally shared alone. Sometimes he would manage to persuade her to have dinner with him in the evening, or occasionally attend a concert or visit a gallery together. And when he was alone, with no work to distract him, his thoughts were constantly of her. She seemed to be becoming more and more relaxed in his company, certainly enjoying being with him, which gave him much hope for the possible future he was starting to envision. The conviction that he had made the most horrible mistake when he'd turned Kathryn down grew on him daily. He couldn't change what he had done, no matter how he might wish it, but he could plan for things to be very different between them. 

Their Delta Quadrant committee was making great strides in its policy and planning, and he was very pleased that it looked likely to be a long term project. There was almost certain to be a large scale return to the Delta Quadrant in the not too distant future, and naturally all of his team, including Kathryn, had a high probability of being sent along with it. 

He continued to enlist her help with his academic duties, in sifting through and making detailed notes on all the artefacts from the Delta Quadrant. He'd always wanted her input on this, instead of just relying on her logs, and she seemed pleased to humour him whenever she was able. It gratified him that he was able to steal as much of her time as he did, because Kathryn was very much in demand by the Admiralty. He was just lucky that some of her Starfleet duties involved working with him, because he might not have been able to see that much of her otherwise. She moaned sometimes too that word had got out that she was effectively single again, and she was receiving some unwarranted attention from a number of different men, some crusty old Admirals and a few less crusty younger men. She clearly wasn't interested, but some of them weren't taking no for an answer. 

In due course, Lamik Tagor, aka Lars Petersson, was sentenced to life imprisonment at a Federal Institution, and this brought both of them much relief. It had all been expedited really quickly, and they'd each only had to give a short testimony because the man had pleaded guilty. It had rendered a long trial unnecessary, although facing this unfamiliar and brooding Cardassian across the courtroom had been a disturbing experience for both of them. It was hard to believe this was the same man that they had known so intimately for well over a year. There was little that was recognisable about him. Even his eyes had a cold, hateful look that they had never seen before. Naturally, they went out to lunch together after their depositions, to talk it all through and blow away some of the haunting tension it had caused. 

Over coffee, she happened to mention the Admiralty Ball she was scheduled to attend the following week. 

"I've paid for two tickets too...I expected to be taking Lars. I suppose I could go alone. Do you know, Chakotay, I've had five offers to accompany me? Five! Why can't they see I'm not interested?" 

"Are they all unappealing?" Chakotay asked curiously. 

"Well...no. Four of them are...but... even so, I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone at the moment and it would be wrong of me to encourage anyone." 

"I'll take you." 

"No, no...there's no need for you to offer. You don't want to sit through all those boring speeches...." 

"No...I'd love to take you." 

Her eyes narrowed. "You really don't mind?" she asked doubtfully. 

"I really don't. In fact, I insist. A decent meal...a little dancing...the incomparable pleasure of your company...how could I turn down such an opportunity? I really would love to take you to the ball." 

"People would speculate..." 

"Let them. I'm really not bothered. It would keep all those crusty Admirals, who are so enamoured of you, off your back." 

She leaned back and let out a long breath. He held his, as he hoped for her agreement. 

"Alright." 

"Friday week?" 

"Yes." 

"I'll pick you up." 

"19.00 hours." 

"Good. Dress?" 

"I thought I'd go in dress uniform...although it's optional." 

Chakotay leaned forward. He really did not want to go in dress uniform. As a Captain, his rank would stand out at an Admiralty Ball. "No, wear that dress from Voyager's Homecoming Ball....you looked so beautiful in that. I'm giving up my free evening to accompany you. The least you can do is dress to indulge me." 

Kathryn looked surprised. She considered it for a moment, then seemed to back away. "I was wearing it when I met Lars." 

Chakotay kicked himself as he realised that was true. "Well, another one then...something like it. You can't dance properly in dress uniform...and I certainly hope you'll do some dancing with me." 

She seemed to be studying him curiously. Was she wondering what his motives were? She smiled. "Okay. Civvies it is." 

* * *

On the day of the Ball, he arrived at her apartment armed with a beautiful white corsage on the assumption that she would definitely wear the dress or one very similar. He hoped she hadn't reverted to her original intention of wearing dress uniform. He was delighted when she opened the door resplendent in the long silvery sparkling dress she'd worn at the last ball. She was busy fixing her earrings as she invited him in to wait. He helped her on with her shoes...the same ridiculous high heeled ones...and couldn't help but admire the fine ankles and slim calves. He then helped pin on the corsage and, as he stood back to admire the result, he thought he had never seen anything so beautiful. Kathryn laughed at his admiring glances, and she grabbed a shawl and a bag as they set off for the ballroom. 

Once inside the ballroom, there was a lot of dreary discussion about the politics of the Federation. Much of this went above Chakotay's head, for his only area of political expertise was the former Demilitarized Zone, his old Maquis stomping ground and the Cardassian Empire. There were a few dull speeches too, but he'd sat through enough of these in his life to learn how to appear to listen attentively. Often he would steal glances at his escort for the evening. Kathryn-watching was a rather more absorbing pastime. She really did look amazing, and he knew by the looks of other men nearby, he wasn't the only one who thought so. 

But the evening changed magically for him as the tables were pulled back and the music started. It was natural that he and Kathryn should dance most of the evening together. She loved dancing and fell so naturally in his arms that he was reminded once again that she belonged there. It was pure heaven. He could feel the warmth from her soft skin, enjoy the heady intoxication of breathing in her perfume, whisper sweet nonsense in her ear, occasionally brush his lips across her hair or even her forehead. People were beginning to notice, he thought, and he couldn't care less. He was counting it as a plus that Kathryn didn't seem bothered about it either. 

He wished the evening could last forever, but eventually in the early hours of the morning the Ball wound to a close. Kathryn had a few parting exchanges to make with a number of the dignitaries before they made their way to the transporter station. 

It was a warm night for October and they ambled slowly hand in hand from the transporter station to her home. They laughed and teased their way to her front door, and he thought it wasn't only him who didn't want the evening to end. At the door, she invited him in for coffee. 

Inside the house, she peeled herself out of the shoes that were clearly hurting her and dropped her wrap on a hook in the hallway. Chakotay went through into the lounge and sat on her plush sofa. In a few minutes she came through with two mugs...one black coffee for her, one with cream and sugar for him. She handed him his drink and sat down next to him with an exhausted sigh. They both took a couple of sips and he put his mug down on a coffee table. He took her free hand in his and, to his delight, she didn't resist. 

"It's been a wonderful evening," he told her. 

"It certainly has. I wasn't looking forward to it until you agreed to come. Thank you for that." 

"My pleasure. You know what would make it even more special?" She looked at him curiously. "I could stay the night." 

A slight frown creased her brow as she searched his face for his meaning. She wasn't instantly sure he was implying what she suspected he was. 

She put her mug down next to his. "You mean....sleep with me?" 

"Yes. I love you, Kathryn. I always have, and you must know how much I want something more than just friendship..." 

She jumped up and turned to face him. "Oh no....no, no. Please don't go there. We had our chance over a year ago. It's been and gone...water under the bridge. I've struggled to put it behind me. I'm not going back there...it's too painful. We've both moved on." 

"That wasn't our only chance. We weren't both free then. We are now. I love you, more than words can express. I think we'd be incredible together. We're already dear, dear friends...." 

"And let's keep it that way." 

"We'll miss out on something really special, if we do." 

"Now, I don't see it that way." 

He raised an eyebrow at her quizzically. "Why?" 

She dropped her gaze and went to stare quietly out of the window at the lights of San Francisco Bay. She was silent for a while, chewing over her response. 

"Kathryn?" 

"When I love someone...I mean really love someone...I want them to love me back fully and completely. I want something really special...something enduring, something embracing, something fully fledged. I don't want to settle for something half-hearted, safe or convenient." 

"I know that. It's what I want too. We already have a firm, precious relationship...something that will grow into that special relationship you're looking for. There is nothing half-hearted about my love for you." 

She cast her eyes back towards him and he realised that she had moved to try to hide the pain in them. 

"Do you remember what you said?" 

"What did I say?" he answered confused. 

"That you would always love me a little bit. Chakotay, I don't want to be loved a little bit...I want to be loved fully and completely or not at all." 

He almost choked. "You are loved fully and completely. You have to know that." 

"Forgive me, if I don't believe you." 

"This is your best friend talking to you. I would not lie to you." 

"So you were being honest then also?" 

"I made a mistake then. I know that now. If I could turn back the clock and change what I said, I would, but you know I can't. All I can do is to try and put things right now. You have to believe me. I know I screwed up, but doesn't everybody deserve a second chance, especially someone's best friend?" 

"I was heart-broken that night. It took me a long time to pull myself back together. I probably would have never spoken to you again socially, if Lars hadn't insisted I made the effort. Don't get me wrong... I'm glad we're friends again and I want to keep it that way. But as for a relationship....Chakotay, I never want to make myself that vulnerable again...not with you and not with any man. I made that decision back then and I'm sticking to it. I'm not the silly young naïve woman that dared to dream any more." 

He mulled this over regretfully. He hadn't realised perhaps how much damage he'd done with a few simple words...one sentence even to come back to haunt him. "Alright...I've pressed you too soon. I realise that. Things are too raw. I'll give you some time. Dare to dream, Kathryn! To love is to risk, but the rewards are so worth it. There's no such thing as a sure bet...but I think we come pretty damned close...closer than any couple I've ever known." 

Her eyes glittered with a hint of annoyance. "That was before..." 

"Before what?" 

"You can't just rub out the last year and a half. I'm a different person now than I was then." 

"So am I...but I still love you. We've both been through a lot this last year, but our connection...our attraction is still as strong as ever. I refuse to give up on us." 

"Don't hold your breath. I'm not going to change my mind." She paused before adding, "I think you'd better go." 

He glanced briefly at the two barely touched cups of coffee, wondering desperately if there was another angle he could take. 

"Tell me one thing before I go. Do you still love me?" He paused as a range of emotions fluttered across her face. "The truth, please. I deserve an honest answer." 

There was a slight nod of her head. "Yes, I still love you, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to change my mind." 

"Then you owe it to me to at least keep an open mind about the possibility of a relationship. I've stuck by you for years, been a loyal friend and supporter throughout our exile. I've saved your life and looked out for you. I've served as your First Officer above and beyond the call of mere duty. And I've loved you just as long. In all those years you never once gave me any crumb of encouragement that we could be together...but I waited and I still loved you nonetheless. I know how it feels to love deeply and receive little in return. I've had my fair share of feeling hurt and rejected by you. And if I lost hope and tried to build a relationship with someone else for even a few months, you cannot really blame me. So you owe me a chance, Kathryn... at least a shot at this. So don't dismiss the possibility out of hand." 

There was a bleak look in her eyes, but he thought he detected an tiny nod as if she accepted some of what he was saying. 

"I'll go now. I'll see you tomorrow and we'll talk some more...but I want you to think about this. We're more than friends...we always have been." He leaned forward and brushed a quick kiss on her cheek. She looked a little shell-shocked, he thought, but he had no intention of letting her withdraw from him. 


	12. Chapter 12

Back in his apartment, he stared at the wall with vacant eyes, somewhat shell-shocked himself. Sleep was an impossibility. He berated himself for pushing too soon. She wasn't ready. She was still raw after Lars' betrayal, probably still a bit miffed at his marrying Seven. He worried that she might mean that she'd closed the door on a possible relationship with him and would never reopen it again. If she did that, he supposed he would have to accept it. The thought made his spirits plummet. He didn't think he could settle for that. Surely she would change her mind. 

He talked to B'Elanna early the next day, who told him he shouldn't underestimate the extent of Kathryn's hurt feelings. He realised that was exactly what he had done. 

"You've got to look at it from her point of view," she advised him. "Did you know she was engaged when she was very young...to a man who died in the same tragic accident as her father?" 

"She told me about Justin when we were on Voyager." 

"Did she tell you how devastated she was afterwards? She was barely functional for six months." 

Chakotay marvelled that B'Elanna knew so much...stuff that she wouldn't have been privy to whilst Kathryn had been her commanding officer. The two of them must have drawn a lot closer recently. "I knew that a long time ago. I broke into the encrypted part of her files." 

B'Elanna raised an eyebrow. "You did?" 

"I had to know who we were dealing with when we were first on Voyager. And what I found out totally impressed me. Did you know she'd once been a prisoner of the Cardassians?" 

"She's never talked about it to me...but there were rumours on the ship. They're true then?" 

"Yes...she was never tortured or anything. But Owen Paris was and she had to live through the horror of what they were doing to him. No, I read those files and I saw a woman who was gutsy, determined and intelligent. She came across as a person of great compassion and integrity. And she had to have been so amazing in command when they got her back, that Starfleet were eventually prepared to overlook that six months of inactivity to give her the Captain's chair. She'd proved herself over and over and presumably aced any psych. exams. And then she was willing to offer the Maquis an olive branch. I very much doubt many other Captains would have had the guts or the vision to do so. I found it easy to trust her right from the get go. I pretty soon began to admire her on a personal level too." 

"She has a way of making you believe in her." 

"She sure does," he said, smiling to himself. 

"She is a confident, inspiring leader...but in love....she's been dealt several severe blows. She won't take risks with her heart that easily. Eventually she built up enough trust to let Mark in...but it never had the same intensity. He was an intellectual....a gentle, reliable type, and not likely to go off and get himself killed. He was, if I dare say so, a little bit boring, and you and I both know she coped remarkably well with the separation and eventual demise of that relationship. He was low risk, in a way. It was all part of the way she protected herself from being hurt. Lars, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. Exciting, dangerous. But she didn't risk her whole heart with him. She just enjoyed the game while it lasted. You, however, are both high risk and high intensity. You have something neither of those had...the power to break her heart. She held you at arm's length all the way through the Delta Quadrant, partly to protect herself...well both of you...partly because of protocol and the need to maintain focus. She told me she knew a relationship with you would be intense...and that the risk to the ship would have been too great. Then when we got home, she found the courage to risk everything again and tell you how she felt. Imagine how she felt when you threw that back in her face!" 

"Spirits, I'd never thought of it like that!" 

"Chakotay, my friend, you have an uphill struggle trying to turn that around. It's not going to be easy getting her to take that risk again. Kathryn needs convincing of your sincerity. She needs to learn to trust you again. You have two choices: back off and let her believe she is right not to trust in your love, or to stick at it, showing her that you love her enough not to give up." 

Naturally, he preferred the second option. 

* * *

Thus it was that he was already standing outside Kathryn's door at lunchtime armed with a picnic basket. 

A very surprised Kathryn let him in. 

"I'm taking you out!" he announced. "A picnic. Where do you want to go?" He caught her doubtful expression. "Kathryn, I know we had a difficult discussion last night, but I want you to know that I love you so much that I can hardly bear to be apart from you. I want to be with you...I want to marry you, spend the rest of my life with you, maybe still dream of building a family together. But I also realise you've been through a lot and maybe aren't ready to take the leap. I'm mindful that you need some time. You promised last night that you'd at least think about it, but what I don't want above all else is for us to become awkward with each other, even estranged like last year when I started dating Seven. I know you said you value our friendship and I want to keep it that way. So, we're going to carry on spending lots of free time together...theatre trips, concerts, dinners... and work on our friendship. I want you to free up as much time as possible to be with me over the coming weeks, but in return I'll try to be patient with you. Let's just enjoy being together without too much pressure, okay?" 

She looked rather stunned by all this. She gazed at him for a few moments with a bewildered expression. Eventually she nodded. "Okay. But only to preserve our friendship...so don't get your hopes up." 

Chakotay grinned in relief. He was perfectly willing to accept a few dates, even if she didn't view them as dates. Every moment he spent with her was a moment when he could work on her. He had always been pretty successful at getting the women he wanted, and that was one of the reasons Kathryn intrigued him so much. She was something of a challenge. On Voyager, he understood the challenge was beyond his reach, but not anymore. He was convincing himself as much as her. Given time, her resistance would crumble. 

"Good. So where do you want to go?" 

* * *

Their friendship continued to flourish and they did enjoy being together. Most of the time she appeared her normal vibrant self. Occasionally, he would catch her with a desolate look, which she always dismissed as nothing. He worried about her in those moments. She'd always risen above the countless knocks in the Delta Quadrant, sometimes with a little coaxing from him. She's taken all the deaths pretty hard, and hadn't borne inactivity very well. Chakotay could hardly forget that dreadful month in the void when she had isolated herself from the crew. Lars, however, had orchestrated a personal attack on Kathryn, which cut at the centre of her spirit. In a way, he couldn't blame her for feeling wary of re-entering a relationship after what Lars had done. In time, he hoped she'd remember what a loyal trustworthy man he was, and how he'd always put her needs first. He and Lars were poles apart. 

At work, she was as fully immersed and brilliant as ever. There was no hint of anything being wrong. She thrived on activity and did her job with energy and dedication. She was a marvel as an Admiral. Starfleet were well aware of what a treasure and a public relations wonder they had in Kathryn Janeway. She was a breath of fresh air next to the multitude of crusty unexciting individuals, who filled the Admiralty benches. 

They were still working together three days a week. With a certain amount of coercion, he was able to get her to devote quite a lot of her free time to him. They did the lunches, the walks, the concerts, the art galleries and the theatre. They played velocity twice and attended an intergalactic athletics tournament, which lasted all weekend. He took every opportunity to touch her, just gently on the arm or the back. He also kissed her on the cheek, the forehead, occasionally a quick brush of the lips. Sometimes she reacted badly when she felt he was pushing it too far, and he told her to relax. She didn't need to act like a scalded cat every time he touched her. He accused her of a being afraid of intimacy, but she just gave him a withering look and warned him that he was wasting his efforts. He told her that he was biding his time until she was ready. The only reason he'd accept for not pursuing this would be if she didn't love him, which of course he knew she did. 

He was patient with her for a few weeks. Eventually, he broached the subject of making love with her again. She didn't seem impressed. 

"You think I would let you see me naked after you've slept with Seven of Nine?" she asked incredulously. 

"Kathryn? You can't mean that! You're an incredibly beautiful woman. I've seen more than enough of you over the years. Trust me, you are utterly desirable. You're a truly sexy, attractive woman, and I know for a fact that, not only are you very desirable now, you still will be in your seventies." 

Kathryn's eyes grew round. "But I can't compete with Seven...I was a fool to think I could. I can't blame you for choosing her over me. I have half the legs, half the breasts and she's seventeen years younger than me. I'm not going to make that mistake twice." 

"Is that all that's bothering you? You're worried about how you look naked? Have you got three nipples or something?" 

"No!" she said unable to resist a small smile at this outrageous suggestion. 

"I didn't think so. Believe me...I've seen more than enough to know. You are beautiful. You have nothing to be worried about. You're you, and I wouldn't want you to be anything else. You have perfect legs, perfect breasts...anything different would just look wrong on you. You've have delectable soft skin...and I've touched you often enough to know it. I can't believe that a woman so full of confidence as you can have so little faith in her own appeal! As for age, well...you're younger than me, so that's a stupid argument. You're a mature, sensual woman, and I'm not so shallow to think that youth and inexperience are more important than love and attraction. You are and always will be a beautiful woman to me. I imagine you have all the necessary working parts to make me an extremely happy man. If I ever have the privilege of making love to you, I will count it as an honour beyond words." 

Kathryn regarded him solemnly and he thought she was desperately trying to believe him. 

"Nice try, Chakotay." she responded, in a tone that suggested she was still unpersuaded. She sighed. "Maybe I should let you f-ck me once...get it out of your system and then we could get on with being friends without all this distraction." 

"Once?" he gasped. "Once? I'm not looking for a quick fix...I'm looking for something permanent. Kathryn, you must know I want to marry you. If we make love, it will change everything. I'm never going to want to let you go." 

Her eyes were clouded with disbelief. "You can't possibly know that...or you may think that now, but the reality will be very different. Assuming I was reckless enough to take the risk, how long before you tired of me...before some young buxom blonde came along to turn your head? Neither of us has a particularly good track record on long term relationships. I cannot share your optimism about us." 

He sank back in his chair, deflated. "Surely, you know after all this time what kind of a man I am. I would have stayed by Seven...and even Seska, when I thought she was pregnant. I didn't love them as completely and deeply as I do you. I didn't feel a fraction of the emotion I feel for you, so how much more would I stand by you?" 

"You see that's where I lose faith with you... Seska I can take. I understood that. You knew her before you met me. But Seven...if you'd come to me even a week after I'd told you that I loved you and said you'd thought it over and you loved me more, I'd have bought it. But you didn't. Not only did you continue dating her...you married her. That's not the action of a man who claims to love me more. So you see, Chakotay, I don't believe you anymore. I don't believe you when you tell me you love me and want to be with me. Or at least I don't believe you love me enough. And there is nothing you can do or say that will convince me otherwise. I don't just want someone who will just 'stand by me.' I want someone who wanted me in the first place. You can't go back and change history and there is no way I'm prepared to be anyone's second choice." 

"Second choice?" he said, shocked. 

"Yes." 

"Kathryn, how can you think that? Second choice?" 

"Well, it's true, isn't it? I'm the back-up plan. Your marriage went down the pan, so maybe Kathryn will do. Let's see if she's still interested, eh? Well, I'm sorry, but that just isn't good enough for me." 

"You are not the back-up plan, not my second choice and certainly not an inferior choice. You are my better choice. You were my first choice, before Seven ever came along. I would have married you in the Delta Quadrant in a heartbeat, if you given me half a chance...I just lost hope. Can't a man make a mistake and be allowed to put it right?" 

"You make it sound like it was no big deal that you married Seven." 

"Okay, I accept that you see it as a big deal. It was, but it's not now. She's history, Kathryn. I love you now, more than ever. She'll only ever be a fraction of the woman you are." Kathryn just huffed at this. Chakotay felt a lump come to his throat and he glanced sadly at his hands. She didn't seem to believe him. "Okay...maybe I can't convince you with words, but maybe I can with actions. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to back down. This is too important. What you need to do is to think this all through...I can't believe you'd be so stupid as to throw this all away just because your pride is hurt. If you stop thinking with your broken heart, and start thinking with your head, you'll realise what a mistake you'd be making, if you don't let things happen naturally between us...things that should rightly have happened years ago. Remember who I am. This is Chakotay, your loyal, loving, honest friend....who stood by you for years and would rather cut his own heart out than hurt you. I don't tell people I love them lightly. I mean every word. You mean so much to me. 

I have loved three women in my life: Sveta I loved insanely with the ignorance of youth, Seven I loved with the folly of an embarrassing middle aged man so desperate for any crumb of affection he will look in the most unsuitable of places. Neither of them left anything like the hole in my life that you do in your absence. You I have loved deeply, completely and hopelessly for years...for such a long time that I despaired. But it was so much more real, based on true respect, admiration, friendship and...let me be perfectly clear...physical attraction. Without you, my life would be much poorer. We are such dear friends too. I can't contemplate a future without you being a significant part of it." 

"That's it then? I'm the old comfortable pair of shoes that you slip on when the new ones start to chafe?" 

"Kathryn!" he protested in alarm. "I don't think you're even listening to what I'm saying! You are certainly not old and certainly not comfortable. In fact, you can be very exasperating at times. No...if you want to stretch the analogy...you're the exciting shoes...the luxury, exquisite shoes...the ones that might be uncomfortable at first but you know if you put them on you'll walk on air...the ones you stare at every time you pass the store front. They're on the top shelf...they look like they might just be out of your reach, and you dream that one day you might be able to afford them." He took a deep breath and let the thought sink in. "We have the potential to be something special together...can't you see that? Something deep, committed and lasting. I know it in my bones. We both love each other...you admitted that to me. I want to grow old with you, maybe build a family with you. I want to be your companion, lover, partner in life...husband. We could still have it all. I promise you, if you let me in I will not let you down. I will devote myself to making you as happy as possible." 

* * *

They were working on the artefacts, when, a few days later, he brought up the possibility of a family. 

"Kathryn, would you still like a family? It's not too late for us. With modern medicine, women are as fertile now in their 40's and 50's as they used to be in their 20's and 30's." 

"It's not ideal." 

"Not ideal, but still good. We're both fit and healthy with good careers and assets. I'd love to be a father, and I happen to think you'd be a brilliant mother. You've demonstrated your maternal skills time and time again with the Voyager crew." 

"That's very different from caring for a child." 

"But you have all the right instincts. You told me once that the men you wanted to have children with had either died or married someone else. I didn't realise at first that I was included in that. Well, I'm not dead yet and I'm not married anymore...so I kind of hoped that put me back in contention." 

Kathryn gave a wry smile to herself. "Selling yourself as prime genetic material, eh?" 

"Well, can I help my dashing good looks, my virile nature and my supreme intelligence?" 

"Chakotay!" 

"Seriously though...I would like a family. I think you and I would make wonderful parents. Seven never wanted any children and it was a bone of contention...but I married her knowing that I would have to accept her decision." 

"So you're after my ovaries now? Chakotay, I am not just breeding stock. I'm not going to hook up with someone just because they want to get me pregnant!" 

"Perish the thought! If that was all I was looking for, I would find some easier brood mare." 

Kathryn frowned. "Seven didn't want any children?" she queried. 

"No. She didn't think she'd be a good mother. She was quite adamant." Kathryn looked thoughtful and he knew he'd sewn a seed of interest. "Just think about it. We aren't getting any younger." 

* * *

Their Delta Quadrant working group was about to take a hiatus, and Chakotay felt rather despondent at the prospect of their not working together for a while. In the end he made a pitch for them to take some leave together instead. 

"Tom and B'Elanna are going out to Dorvan for three months to help out on various projects. They're probably going to leave Miral with Tom's parents. B'Elanna's going to work on water purification and distribution. Tom's going to do some work on the planet's land vehicles and shuttlecraft. I thought I might go with them. The people out there need every bit of help they can get. I'm not sure what I could do yet...but it would be good to see my sister and her family. Some of our old Maquis crew are out there helping put the place back together...Ayala, Jor, Dalby, Jarvin and Henley. I was hoping to persuade you to come with us. You could help B'Elanna out. The pair of you together would get so much more done. I'd like you to meet my sister, Sekaya. You must be due an awful lot of leave..." 

"I am...but I can't just drop everything and run." 

"I'm sure you could organise things. We're not going for another four weeks...and there have got to be good people that can keep an eye on things while you're gone." 

"I just had four weeks off to go to Risa." 

"You were working for most of that...and then on sick leave." 

"Three months?" 

"Well, it takes 18 days to get there, if we hire our own shuttle. Longer, if we use public transportation. We're hoping to take out a lot of supplies with us. We've had some very generous donations." 

"I'm not going if you are going to pester me about a relationship all the time. It's getting tedious." 

"Well...a compromise then. You agree to come and I promise: no mention of a relationship for the first month. After that, I'm making no promises. We're already wasting too much good time when we could be together because of your stubbornness." 

"My stubbornness?" She looked at him belligerently. "That's what you're calling my better sense of judgement?" 

"Yes." 

"Hmm. Two months at least." 

"One month," he responded firmly. "My final offer. And I think I should warn you, I'm going to get my contraceptives neutralised." 

"You'll be wasting your time then, because you haven't got a snowball's chance in hell of getting into bed with me." 

"Well...I like a challenge." 

"In your dreams, Chakotay." 

"I have plenty of those." 

"I don't know if I want to spend three months of my life fighting off lecherous admirers." 

"We'll be sharing a shuttle with Tom and B'Elanna for most of it. I hardly think your virtue will be compromised...unless you want it to be." 

Her eyes narrowed and she studied him thoughtfully. 

"You've probably got them on your side. They're probably in on your little scheme. They've been hoping we'd hitch up for years." 

"I'm sure they have, but they're in your camp now. If I mistreat you, I'm sure to be taken to task for it. Perhaps you'll feel safer if B'Elanna brings her bat'leth. Besides, you have never had any qualms about letting me stay over at your house. Come on! I don't expect the intrepid Kathryn Janeway to back down from a challenge." 

"What's the climate like on Dorvan V?" 


	13. Chapter 13

November/December 2379

Dorvan V

  


It had been surprisingly easy to persuade her to come, he decided later. He had expected to have to work on her for a while. Three whole months with Kathryn to himself! Well, Tom and B'Elanna and his sister as well some of the time, but all in all it was a wonderful prospect. And he could live without mentioning the relationship thing for a while. After the month was up, he was going to unleash the big guns. Despite Kathryn's outward negativity, he was sure she was softening. Overall, he felt a huge burst of optimism. 

The only thing that dampened his spirits was some rather shocking news that was imparted to them three days before their departure. 

Lars, aka Lamik Tagor, had been extradited to Cardassia, instead of serving out his sentence on Earth. In fact, he had already gone several weeks before, and the Federation had only seen fit to inform his victims now. He and Kathryn were both furious. Neither held out any expectation that the Cardassians would keep him confined. In fact, he was probably already roaming freely at home and considered a hero by his own people. They were angry with the Federation also for allowing such an evil man out of their control. It had been a bleak day, and the two of them had spent most of the day discussing it heatedly with themselves, their friends and a number of impotent officials. 

When they came to leave for Dorvan, they had to hire an even bigger shuttle than originally planned, because Kathryn used her influence to drum up a lot more donations of badly needed supplies. It did mean they could travel faster, only taking two weeks, and had a little more space within the living quarters. The journey went smoothly and amicably, because all four of them were trained to live in such close quarters. 

When they arrived, Kathryn, Tom and B'Elanna were bowled over by the beauty of the planet. There were majestic mountains, vast grasslands, deserts and canyon lands. The stalwart inhabitants were scratching a living in the war-ravaged arable areas, and throwing homes together with whatever materials they could find. Chakotay's sister, Sekaya, had a modest bungalow structure, where she lived with her husband and three children. Chakotay bunked up in his sister's lounge, whilst B'Elanna, Tom and Kathryn had rooms in what passed for a hotel in the village. It was a two storey structure, where the ground floor was more like a saloon from an old western movie. They were comfortable enough, despite the lack of modern technology. Many an evening would see B'Elanna, Tom, Kathryn, Chakotay and on rare occasions, Sekaya, enjoying the cool of the evening after a hot sultry day, sat at tables in the garden behind the hotel, luxuriating in the appreciation of a couple of good bottles of wine. They'd had to bring a supply with them from Earth for exactly that purpose. The evenings were full of fun, teasing, serious discussion and honesty. The hours slipped by in wonderful comradeship, bringing all of them closer. 

Kathryn threw herself into B'Elanna's project of improving water supplies. The two of them together made a formidable team and their efforts were already bearing fruit. Dorvan V was a rather dry planet and distribution of power and water were major issues. Virtually all the former infrastructure had been destroyed by the Cardassians in their short and devastating occupation. The scars of their oppression were everywhere to be seen, and it made Kathryn's heart ache to see the scale of the devastation first hand. It was also uplifting to see how the people who lived there refused to be crushed, how they worked to rebuild, how their spirits remained indomitable. 

Sekaya welcomed all of them into her home. She loved entertaining the visitors and her children, two boys and a girl, were ecstatic at having such illustrious people in their home. They loved the stories of their adventures in the Delta Quadrant, and hung on every word. So did the other villagers, given any opportunity to sit with the travellers. 

Sekaya was a handsome woman with dark eyes and flowing black hair. There could be no doubt she was Chakotay's sister. Chakotay was particularly anxious that she should connect with Kathryn. He wanted the two most important women in his life to get on well. Kathryn was making a lot of effort to get to know Sekaya and was wonderful with the children. Sekaya couldn't help but like her. But Chakotay detected a slight wariness in Sekaya's attitude to Kathryn. He would often catch her watching Kathryn pensively, particularly when she and Chakotay were together. In the end, he learned what was on Sekaya's mind. 

"She's wonderful, Chakotay. She's right for you in a way Seven never could be. She has an incredible aura about her. I welcome anyone into the family who could bring my brother back to me. But there's a sadness about her. I think she's had her heart broken one too many times. She loves you, but I'm not sure she's ready for you, big brother." 

Chakotay pondered on that. He had a deep respect for his sister's insight. Maybe Kathryn was just afraid of getting hurt again and was running scared. True to his word, he left it a month before pressing Kathryn about their relationship. She continued to be resistant, and he accused her of being scared. She did have the grace to agree that this was a big part of her decision, but she didn't see that she would ever change her mind. He told her he was never going to give up, so she'd better get used to the idea, because at some point she was going to give in. She truly didn't have a reason, not one that he accepted anyway, why they wouldn't be absolutely perfect together. 

Kathryn even told B'Elanna once in private that she sometimes wished that he'd get her drunk and jump her bones. B'Elanna couldn't understand what the hell the two of them were playing at, and she and Tom were heartily sick of the tense chess game in which they saw their friends were engaged. B'Elanna broke Kathryn's confidence in passing this information on to Chakotay, though she half wondered if it was Kathryn's intention that she tell him. Thinking this over, Chakotay decided that Kathryn would have to be pushed. She was never going to let down her shields as a result of any logical argument he could throw at her. She could always counter anything he said. 

No more words then. Action was necessary. Hence it was that on one particular evening the wine had flowed a little more freely and Tom and B'Elanna, instead of conversing late into the night, took it upon themselves to leave for an early night. They left Chakotay and a thoughtful Kathryn alone at the table as she watched the married couple walked away happily entwined in each others' arms. The night was still warm, the darkness broken by a few pretty garden lamps as they listened without comment for a while to the noise of the loud cicadas. 

Kathryn leaned back in her rickety chair and stared solemnly at the two empty bottles on the table and the third bottle of wine that was barely opened. Chakotay pulled her glass closer and filled it up again and pushed it back towards her. 

"Do I sense a set up?" she enquired. 

Chakotay pulled his chair closer to her and put his arm round her. She didn't resist. They had been touching affectionately a lot lately, mostly at his instigation. 

"Perhaps. Was it true that you told B'Elanna that you wanted me to get you drunk and jump your bones?" 

Kathryn drew in a sharp breath. "She told you that?" 

"Yes. Is it true?" 

"It wasn't meant for your ears." 

"I think maybe it was." 

"Chakotay!" 

He merely hugged her closer. "Well now...this is a beautiful night. I have the woman of my dreams in my arms...and I plan to seduce her. Frankly, I don't know how she's resisted my charms for so long. We have a wonderful bottle of wine to finish and we have the whole evening to enjoy ourselves. Mike has given me the keys to his cottage and it's ours for the duration." Mike Ayala had left for Earth the week before to spend some time with his boys. 

"You have this all planned? Without asking my consent?" 

"If you don't want this then you'd better leave now, because I intend to make love to you tonight. I need you to make a decision while you're still reasonably sober. There's no way I'm prepared to jump on you when you're in no fit state to resist. If you need a little more fortification before we go, that's fine. I'm all for enjoying the rest of this bottle of wine if that's what it takes to get you into my bed. We've tip-toed around this for far too long, fighting off the inevitable. I'm convinced all you need is a little push in the right direction...I've been very patient with you over the nine years we've known each other...too patient...and it's become a habit. It's time things changed. If you want to give in to your fears, go now! But, Kathryn...love of my life...I dare you to stay! There is nothing to be afraid of. This is just me, your dear friend asking to show you just how much he loves you. You'll have a wonderful time and, trust me, you'll never have a moment's regret." 

She glanced up at him, trying to gauge the sincerity in his dark twinkling eyes. He met her gaze full on and dusted one hand over her brow, smoothing the hair over her ear. He couldn't fathom what she was thinking, but his heart hammered in anticipation of her response. He hoped against hope that he hadn't pushed too far and ruined everything. He also hoped that he'd judged it right...that she had imbibed enough wine to be feeling brave. 

She turned towards her wine and took a deep draft. This was a good sign. She hadn't instantly jumped up and left for her room. 

She put the glass back on the table and pushed it away from her. "I would prefer," she answered softly, "to remember our first night together." 

Chakotay's heart swelled up, and he resisted the urge to shout and punch the air jubilantly. 

"I take that as a yes." 

She nodded. 

He stood, a broad smile spreading on his face, and held out his arm. 

She took it as he pulled her out of her seat. 

"You've had enough wine?" he asked. 

She glanced back and lifted the bottle from the table. "A shame to waste a good bottle! Maybe later..." 

He grinned and they linked arms. They walked slowly and quietly, each deep in thought, out of the garden via the small gate to the side of the hotel. They followed the dirt track that counted for a main road in the village for several hundred yards until they reached Ayala's cottage. 

Chakotay fumbled in his pocket for the key, trying to keep a lid for the moment on his excitement. 

They entered the cottage and closed the door behind them. He lit one dim lamp in the room and they turned towards each other. There was a certain tension...some of it delicious. There was a little anxiety too. This baring of body and soul had been a long time coming. 

He gazed into her beautiful dark eyes, and he could see her astonishment at the intensity in his. He lifted one hand and let it brush tenderly into her hair. 

"Kathryn, I love you so much. I cannot find the words to tell you...I don't even think the words exist." 

A small smile played on her lips despite the tension. 

"You do love me?" he asked. 

"Yes, Chakotay. I always loved you. That was never the problem. No...correction, it was always the problem and I wish I could have been more to you than I was on Voyager." 

He nodded his understanding. He only wished he could have understood better a year or so earlier. "You're here now and that's all that matters," he soothed. 

He pulled her to him and allowed his lips to meet hers. Soft, not demanding yet. Experimental almost. He drew back with a sigh at the loss of contact. 

"Just relax...trust me. Let me do the work...But I think I should warn you that I had my contraceptives neutralised. If you like I can use..." he admitted. 

"It is of no consequence. Mine are still active," she interrupted. 

"Well...let's just concentrate on us at the moment, eh?" 

He began to undo the line of buttons on her blouse. When he reached the bottom, he did not part the blouse for a moment. He gazed back into her eyes. Their lips met again, a little more pressure this time allowing their tongues to make brief contact. She tasted delicious. Both of them sighed with pleasure. Chakotay was finally realising his dream. In many things the anticipation is more beautiful than the real thing, but he knew for sure that, even if the first time wasn't perfect..and they were both a little nervous...they would eventually be more than the dream together. 

He thumbed her blouse apart and the smoke in her eyes took his breath away. He pushed the blouse from her shoulders and it slipped to the floor. She was wearing a beautifully fitting white bra which accentuated the smooth curve of the top of her breasts perfectly. He sucked in an appreciative breath. 

"Beautiful...as I knew you would be." 

And she was. But then he'd glimpsed enough over the years to expect as much. Fleeting memories of bath tubs, towels wraps and occasional swimsuits drifted through his mind. He'd been with women with almost no breasts at all...and he'd occasionally thought he could live with that for the right woman. Invariably they hadn't been the right women. They'd been duplicitous, unfaithful or shallow. And then he'd married Seven, and whilst she was incredibly alluring in some of the clothes she wore, he'd learned quickly that there is sometimes too much of a good thing...especially when it's not packaged with any passion or sensuality. But Kathryn, as he'd always surmised, had the perfect breasts...beautifully rounded. Not too much, not too little and, as he was already discovering, they would fit perfectly into his hands. He bent to place a soft kiss on the top of the precious mound in his grasp. 

Meeting her eyes again, he saw that she was searching still for his approval. He smiled at her. 

"Well, thank the stars you don't have three nipples." 

She laughed and at least it broke the tension a little. 

"I told you that I'd find you beautiful. You're amazing, Kathryn Janeway, and I plan on showing you just how much I love you. I plan on worshipping every square inch of your body." 

Her eyes glittered and she drew him close, wrapping tightly around him as this time they kissed deeply, more hungrily, searching and exploring new territory. When they next broke for breath, he took her hand to lead her towards the bedroom. 

"Come, let me show you." And he did. 

* * *

They made love three amazing times in the evening before drifting off into a hazy sated sleep. The wine bottle had been left in the lounge, totally forgotten. 

As the early light began to filter through the windows, Chakotay roused. He felt euphoric, more satisfied than he had ever felt in his entire life. He leaned over to watch her for a while. The sheet only covered her lower half, so he could feast on the beauty of her upper body unhindered. She had a pale smooth skin, speckled with a few freckles here and there. Her face was hidden by the sweep of her hair and she was breathing deeply, still sleeping. He couldn't resist allowing his hand to drift on her hip and his soft movements eventually began to rouse her. 

She stirred, lay on her back, flung one arm behind her head and then her eyes widened as she realised where she was. She turned towards him and met his gaze, but not with the loving tenderness he had hoped to see, rather a look of alarm and disbelief. 

"We did it? We slept together?" 

"Kathryn, you weren't so drunk that you can't remember. Of course, we made love." 

She sat up, pulling the sheet across her breasts and made to get out of bed. 

"Wait!" 

"Now, you know you haven't been missing anything all these years!" she commented with her back towards him. 

"What?" He was outraged. He hadn't expected this reaction. 

"At least you might have got this out of your system." 

"Wait? You think last night was nothing special? That it was a one-off thing?" 

"Yes." 

He grabbed her hand to stop her from leaving. "Well that does wonders for my ego..casting doubt on my sexual prowess. I did everything possible to make last night very special. You can't tell me you didn't enjoy it...because I know you did." 

"I did...and it was." 

"Let me tell you this: Last night was beautiful to me. It was the most satisfying, pleasurable night of my life. I have finally got my hands on you and there is no way I am ever going to let you go." 

She had been trying to pull away from his hand, but she stilled. 

"Kathryn?" he said, softening his voice, aware suddenly that she was struggling with her emotions. 

She turned slightly. "Do you mean it?" 

He let his other hand drift up her back. 

"I never meant anything more sincerely. I love you. I want to marry you. And as I look into the future, I want to have thousands more nights just like the last one. I want us to grow old together. I want to commit to you, build a life with you. Are you trying to tell me that this isn't what you want?" 

She turned fully towards him now and he could see the unspilled tears gathering in her eyes. 

"It is what I want. More than anything." 

"Then I don't understand this. Where is the devil-may-care, live-life-to-the-full Janeway that I've known and loved for so long?" 

"I don't know," she answered with a trembling lip. Their eyes met and he raised an eyebrow at her. "Well, she's hurting still," she admitted. 

"Just because your last lover turned out to be a psychotic killer, doesn't mean you have to run scared of every other man in your life." Kathryn's expression at this suggested that she thought he was being incredibly dense. Something clicked in Chakotay's mind. B'Elanna and Sekaya's advice to him rang clear. "This is not about Lars, is it? Nor about my marrying Seven. This is about me rejecting you when we got home?" 

A shock of recognition swept her face. "Yes. Maybe," she choked. 

"And even though I want you now...more than life itself...you won't let go of the hurt." 

"Something like that." 

"Kathryn, I can't undo what happened. I can't wipe it out. I wish I could." 

"I know you can't and, believe me, I don't want to feel like this." 

"What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?" 

"There is nothing you can do. Only what you are already doing." 

"But you do want us to be together? You do see a future for us?" he asked, terrified of her answer. There was a desperation in her eyes. 

"Yes. I do want to be with you. The need to protect my fragile heart is a powerful one. You'll just have to be patient with me a while. I can't help how I feel at the moment...hopefully time will heal that. I have been trying to rid myself of this lack of...optimism. I need to rebuild my belief in us." 

He rubbed her hand affectionately, glad of her answer but concerned that she wasn't sharing in his euphoria. 

"Have I pushed too soon?" 

"No, you haven't. I needed pushing. And I wouldn't undo last night. It was wonderful, Chakotay. I didn't mean what I said earlier." 

"Well, thank the spirits for that! We've jumped a huge hurdle and we're not turning back. Let's try to put the past in the past and move forward. A few ill-chosen words spoken in a few moments of stupidity should not be allowed to ruin our future happiness...because I'm here to stay. Do you understand?" She looked blank for a moment. "Kathryn?" 

"Okay." 

"Good. Come here then!" he demanded, opening his arms and pulling her close. "I love you, Kathryn Janeway, and there's nothing you, or anyone else, can do to change that." 

"I love you too." 

"So shall we test out my theory that we're as brilliant in bed with each other as we are with everything else we do together?" 

She grinned into his chest. "I think that theory could use some investigation." 

He kissed her on the top of her head. "Good." As he did so, he tugged the sheet away that she had continued to clutch to her chest. "We'll do away with this," he told her. "I haven't waited eight years to see you naked only for you to hide your beautiful body behind a sheet." 

He kissed her again, firstly on the lips and then beyond. And so he set about showing her exactly how brilliant they were in bed together. 

* * *

It was inevitable that Tom, B'Elanna and Sekaya would instantly know there had been a change in the status of their relationship. For one, Kathryn didn't come down to breakfast the next morning at the hotel. Nor did Chakotay bunk down at his sister's that night. 

The three of them could not contain their excitement when the friends met up the next day. 

"Well?" B'Elanna asked Chakotay quietly. 

"Well what?" 

"I assume, since neither of you came home last night, that our little plan worked." 

"Your little plan?" 

"I'd like to take some credit for it." 

B'Elanna eyed him expectantly. 

Chakotay grinned. "Let's just say that there has been a change in the status in our relationship." 

"Wheeee...I knew it!" 

"It would be hard to miss." 

"I'm so thrilled for you...both of you." 

"Thanks." 

"So...things went well. You two are finally a couple?" 

"Things went very well. Yes, we are finally a couple...but I'm still working on the marriage concept. Kathryn's not very convinced about that." 

"Well...she has had two failed engagements. And you have a failed marriage. It's understandable she might not leap at the idea." 

"We still have some issues to work through, but I sincerely hope to change her mind." 

"She'll come round. After all, who could resist your charms for long?" 

"That's precisely what I was thinking, though I will say she did a good job of that for seven years on Voyager. B'Elanna, could you and Tom manage here without us for a few days? I was thinking of getting away...spending some time alone with Kathryn. Maybe take one of the land cruisers and take a camping trip in the outback." 

"Sure. Sounds like a great idea to me." 

* * *

They spent every night for the next week together in Mike Ayala's cottage and Chakotay would have been blissfully happy except for a small niggle of worry about Kathryn's state of mind. He still thought she was harbouring some of her pain and not quite trusting in his love for her. She reminded him a little of the Kathryn he'd seen in the void, a little subdued and introverted. This ran contrary to what he expected of her. He wanted her to feel as happy and as excited as he was about their new relationship. She was saying all the right things, responding delightfully to his overtures and allowing him to make love to her with all the tenderness he could muster. Anyone who did not know her as well as he did might not have been able to sense anything was wrong. But he wanted her carefree, passionate spirit back. In a way, he had been searching for it for weeks. 

He knew he had to be patient with her and he pondered for hours whether to tackle her with it. But he had just left a joyless marriage, and he had no intention of allowing this to sink the same way. 

He had been staring out of the window watching the sunrise for a while before she stirred one morning, and he couldn't not hold his silence about it. He reasoned that it was better tackled head-on and sooner rather than later. 

She lifted her head, a little puzzled that he was not still in bed. 

"Couldn't sleep?" she asked. 

"I want to talk to you." 

She was immediately chastened by the serious look in his eyes. 

"This sounds serious." 

"I'm worried about you." 

"There's no need..." 

"I know you wanted me to be patient with you...and I will try. But you're holding out on me!" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You're not investing in this. You're holding back. You're not initiating any of our love-making. I want you to feel as thrilled and as passionate about all this as I am." 

Kathryn looked crestfallen, and he immediately regretted the bluntness of his comment. "Hey now, don't worry. I'm not criticising you. I'm not angry. I just want to get to the bottom of what's wrong." He sat on the bed and took her hand between his. "I want to make one thing very clear. I'll never leave you. Never. If this is all you give me, I'll take it, because my life will be nothing without you. But I know there's more. Do you realise I haven't seen that amazing relaxed smile of yours since Risa? Where has that happy, fiery, spirited woman gone? The woman whose spirit soared! A woman so full of life and energy that people followed her without hesitation. A woman who generally loves with every fibre of her being. I don't want you to treat our relationship in the same way you treated your relationship with Lars...protecting your heart so that it won't get broken. I'm not Lars. You've no idea how jealous I was when you were with him. I saw you, Kathryn. I saw how you were with him. And I'm thinking that, if you could be that passionate, exciting woman with Lars Petersson, who did not deserve a parsec of your attention, who did not love you as I do, then why can't you be like that with me?" 

Kathryn looked shocked for a moment as she thought about this. She got out of bed, pulling her robe around her, and went to stare out of the window he had just abandoned. He allowed her a moment of space between them and waited patiently while she processed what he was saying. 

"You're right," she began, looking at her hands. "I am trying, Chakotay...I just can't help myself at times." 

She turned slightly towards him and he could see the tears in her eyes. 

He went to her and pulled her in his arms. She lay her head against his chest as she shuddered. 

"I just want you to be as happy as I am." 

"I am happy." 

"But there should be more. I want to see you smile...I want to hear you laugh. I want the Kathryn you used to be back and I'm not prepared to give up on you." 

"I promise to try," she said, kissing his chest. 

"That's all I ask. What has happened over the past year has no business ruining our future happiness." 

She nodded. "I've been a bear...I know that." 

"A beautiful, wonderful bear. I don't think you have even begun to realise how much I love you. I love you from the tips of your toes to the very hairs on the back of your neck. You're so precious to me. And I want you to know it deep down in your soul. I want our spirits to soar together. Believe in us, Kathryn." 

After a moment, she looked up at him. He was immediately aware that something had snapped inside her. There was a light in her eyes he didn't think he'd seen for a while. There was a hint of mischief, a smouldering fire, a renewed self-confidence. It was as if some imaginary chain constricting her heart had finally broken. She threw him that endearing lop-sided grin that so enchanted him. "I do love you, Chakotay, despite that I've made heavy weather of showing you. So you want to sleep with a passionate woman, eh?" Her voice had dropped to that sultry cadence that always made his hair stand on end. He groaned as her hands slipped lower. He was already reacting to the timbre of her voice, even without the prospect of her skilful touch. "I think I know a few moves that would shock the hairs off your chest." Which of course she did. 

And over the next few days, Chakotay finally learned the thrill of being with a fully alive and exuberant Kathryn Janeway. He had only slept with the soft, vulnerable, tender version before that. Now he learned what it was like to be with the intoxicating, demanding, passionate version. The kitten and the lioness. He loved both sides equally and he began to realise that in fact Lars had only met with the second one. He was privileged beyond measure to experience both. He knew too that she loved him, that she did not bestow her love easily or recklessly. He knew Lars had had her body, but he'd never had her soul. Though he didn't realise it at the time, he'd never had good reason to be jealous of the man. She would never have allowed an ounce of vulnerability to show with him. He understood now, that Lars had never really known Kathryn Janeway at all. 

He was walking on clouds. Finally, he'd found the relationship that most men only dream of. All he had to do now was to persuade her to marry him. 


	14. Chapter 14

December 2379

Remote Scrubland  
Dorvan V

  


Chakotay drew in lungfuls of the fresh air after he'd slapped some of the cool water on his face. He let his hands dangle in the fast flow of the stream for a moment longer, before rising tall and stretching his back. His eyes ran over the foothills. They rose purple and majestic from the scrubland on which he now stood. There were few trees, due to the dry nature of the planet, but they still afforded magnificent vistas and dramatic rock formations. He intended to take Kathryn trekking on the lower slopes today. They'd already visited lakes and gorges. They'd spent hours watching the wild animals migrating on ancient paths. They'd spent hours making love. It had been a smart move to get Kathryn away on their own for a few days. Life was just about perfect. 

He bent down to pick up the canister he'd filled with water. It wasn't a good idea to deprive Kathryn of her morning coffee. He needed to wake her now, so that they could get going before the sun got too high. 

He didn't immediately sense something was wrong as he approached their camp, just that something was a bit odd about the cruiser. As he drew closer, he caught sight of some damaged circuitry. He quickened his pace, realising there had been some deliberate act of sabotage. The vehicle wouldn't be going anywhere in a hurry, and the communications console was wrecked beyond recognition. Worried now, he looked about him, but could see no sign of life anywhere. He dumped the canister on the ground and went on reflex for his phaser. It wasn't there. He'd left it inside the tent. He glanced round looking for some other sort of weapon. The hammer that had lain on the back seat of the cruiser was gone. The only thing that caught his eye was a tent peg, which he drew as carefully and quietly as possible from the ground. As he did so, he cursed silently as the freed canvas began to flap. 

There was no sound from within the tent, he noticed, but that did not necessarily mean anything. Kathryn could still be sleeping safe and sound. Even so, he knew something was very wrong and his heart was thumping wildly. When he parted the opening of the tent, the sight that greeted him made his blood run cold. 

Kathryn was staring at him wide-eyed and with a gag in her mouth. She was still in her nightdress, but had a cardigan over the top. Her hands had been bound behind her back, her legs bound together too. A strong arm was wrapped around her and she had a knife to her throat. 

She had her back leaning into a large humanoid frame. She was cradled between the legs of a Cardassian who was glinting at him with sneer. The eyes were far too familiar. The only recognisable part of Lars Petersson were the eyes and the teeth. 

"Drop the weapon!" ordered the Cardassian, "or your little lover will be history." 

The man had the advantage. He could slit Kathryn's throat in an instant, and Chakotay knew he wouldn't hesitate. 

He threw the tent peg away, not too far, but the Cardassian kicked it well out of reach. He picked up a phaser which was beside him. 

"Hands in the air! Turn around!" Chakotay had no choice but to obey. He heard the man shove Kathryn face first into the dirt behind him. Chakotay was searched quickly for other weapons, but he had none. He was then ordered to put his hands behind his back. His own hands and feet were bound and he was pushed roughly to the ground near the entrance to the tent. As he swivelled round to face his tormentor, the man returned to his former position with his back against the cooler. He yanked Kathryn back up, almost with one arm and placed her back between his legs facing Chakotay. The knife, held in his left hand, went back to her throat. His right hand hovered near two phasers at his side on the ground. One of the phasers was definitely his own. The charred remains of their two commbadges lay there also. 

"Lars...Tagor...I don't know what you hope to achieve..." began Chakotay, "but this isn't going to get you anywhere. You'll be caught..." 

"Not until after I've got what I want...and they'll never take me alive. But I hate to point out to you that nobody knows where you are. You are miles from civilisation and nobody's going to come to your rescue." 

Chakotay didn't have an answer for this, because he knew it was true. 

"What do you want...Tagor?" 

"What I always wanted. Revenge." 

"Why? What have I ever done to you?" He was playing for time. 

"You killed my sister. Seska. You bedded her. You abandoned her and then you threw her to the wolves." 

"She went of her own volition. It was her choice to betray the ship and ally herself with the Kazon...a rough and brutal race. She knew the risks she was taking." 

"That is what you would like me to believe, but I know you'd already abandoned her as a lover before ever you left the Alpha Quadrant. She was able to send me messages you see. Then you forced her to go with those vicious thugs. You knew she would most likely be killed." 

"Believe what you like, but the truth is she chose to go because she didn't like being on a Starfleet vessel." 

"She had no choice. She saw your change of loyalty. She watched you fall in love with somebody else. She saw you cosy up to Kathryn and become her ridiculous lap dog." He elbowed Kathryn in the stomach and she yelped in pain. "And you're just as guilty. You're complicit in this. You abandoned my sister to those evil brutes too." 

Kathryn was still gagged and couldn't respond. 

"Leave her out of this. She never had any dealings with Seska." 

"Touching loyalty. You've sampled the goods, I imagine. She's an amazing lover, isn't she?" Chakotay refused to be baited. "I'm rather pleased about that. It'll make my revenge that much sweeter. No, I am going to make you watch...watch as I dissect your lover. She will suffer. It will be slow. We Cardassians make it a point to know about human anatomy. We know where to inflict pain without the victim dying quickly. You are going to watch, Chakotay, helplessly. And then I'm going to start on you. You may live to tell the tale...at least some mutilated version of you will...because I'd love you to suffer for years with images of Kathryn bleeding to death haunting your dreams. It would be sweet torture, wouldn't it? Maybe I'll blind you or maim you. Maybe castrate you...so you will never love another woman again..." Tagor had plenty to say about the various horrors he might inflict on Chakotay once Kathryn was dead. 

Chakotay stared hard and unblinking at all this. The man was clearly unhinged, but it wouldn't do to provoke him. That he was capable of carrying out any number of atrocities, he didn't doubt. He tried to focus on Kathryn's face so he could gauge how she was coping with the ordeal. She looked awkward, as if the ropes were cutting in and some of her weight was being taken uneasily by her bound hands. Chakotay himself was feeling the rope cutting sharply into his wrists and ankles, but he had managed to sit himself up in an otherwise comfortable position. 

It took him a few moments to realise Kathryn was trying to tell him something. She had her back to Tagor, so he couldn't see the expression on her face. Her resilience and resourcefulness never ceased to amaze him. She was flicking her eyes somewhere to his right. He glanced sideways several times, careful not to draw any attention to the movement. There were clothes and utensils strewn everywhere. Tagor had clearly emptied everything to search for weapons before his arrival. He concluded that Kathryn was trying to draw his attention to her rucksack. It lay a few feet from him limp and empty. Around it were strewn many of Kathryn's clothes: a red jumper, underwear, the jeans she probably intended to wear that day. He realised there was an unopened pocket in the side of the rucksack. It was in an unconventional spot and Tagor had missed it in his haste. Was there a weapon in there? He was sure one of the two phasers by Tagor's side was non-Starfleet. Kathryn's phaser was unaccounted for. Had Tagor not unearthed it? 

His eyes met Kathryn's again and he tried to convey to her that he knew what she was trying to tell him. He gave her a faint nod and received one back. There was something useful in there. All he had to do now was shift himself a couple of feet to his right. If he did it gradually, centimetre by centimetre, he was sure at some point Tagor would notice. He couldn't afford to let this slim opportunity be wasted. They were on their own out here. Nobody would be coming to their rescue. It would be at least four days before B'Elanna and Tom would realise they were missing. 

No, his best chance was to get angry or agitated and to lurch at Tagor in fury, then drop back to a slightly different position...gradually easing closer to the target. That way his repositioning would look accidental. 

"Seven was lucky to divorce you. She avoided being the subject of these last two attempts to make you suffer," droned Tagor. "She was my original target. Kathryn was just a means to an end. She was lovely, oh yes. Fun to be with, but essentially I was using her to connect with you, so I could watch and learn and plan for retribution. But then I realised you loved Kathryn more and my plans had to change. You're blatantly obvious, Chakotay. So easy to read. It was highly amusing to watch. On Risa, it was my intention to kill both of them. You'll wish I'd succeeded, Kathryn, because it would have been quick. You really do have nine lives. I don't know how you do it. Then Seven divorced you, Chakotay. She clearly wasn't impressed with your skills as a husband. I'm glad she's out of it...I really didn't want to kill an innocent woman. She wasn't even on the ship when Seska was on Voyager." 

"You're harming another innocent woman!" Chakotay admonished. "Kathryn had nothing to do with Seska." 

"Innocent?" Tagor spat. "Not completely. She conspired with you to send Seska to the Kazon. But you are the one I blame, Chakotay." 

"This is the woman who has been your lover for over a year. How can you do this to her?" 

"I can because I must. A part of me would rather it had not been Kathryn...but to make you suffer, Chakotay, I must take whatever you find most precious in the universe and destroy it." 

The knife waved dangerously for a moment and Chakotay lurched forward. "You're insane. You and Seska both!" 

A phaser instantly came up from Tagor's side and was thrust towards Chakotay. "Stay back!" 

Chakotay reversed his direction of motion, appearing to stumble a little but falling back satisfyingly closer to the rucksack. The phaser was definitely Cardassian. That meant Kathryn's phaser was still somewhere in play. 

Tagor's eyes glinted triumphantly. 

"Stay back or you'll kill me? I thought that might be preferable to what you're planning." 

"I'll remind you that whatever you do, it's Kathryn that's going to suffer first." 

He turned to look at Kathryn in his arms, almost like a lover's pose. Chakotay realised there was some blood on her neck. During the recent fracas, the knife must have left a mark, not enough to do any serious damage but enough to show intent. 

Tagor replaced the phaser at his side and lifted his hand to run his finger tenderly along the wound. He had a malicious sideways smile on his face. 

"I'm sorry, my dear. You were a wonderful lover, and I didn't initially intend to hurt you." 

Kathryn's eyes were staring daggers at Tagor. He switched the knife to his right hand. "But needs must..." Suddenly he dug between her ribs, twisting the knife as he did. A muffled cry of agony came from Kathryn. 

"Tagor! Stop...it isn't her you want...it's me!" 

"Hold your tongue!" cried Tagor, as he launched a second assault with his knife. 

There was blood spurting everywhere now, and Kathryn was clearly having severe difficulty breathing. Then, in a strange moment of compassion, Tagor decided to remove her gag. "There, that should be easier...It's not needed anymore. I'm sorry, my love. I would have much preferred to make someone else suffer for this...but unfortunately for you, you are the object of his affection. There is his sister, of course, but she is a mother and I do have some standards." 

"For the love of God, leave her alone," cried Chakotay. "Think of all the good times you've had together. This is a woman you've been intimate with. Kathryn has treated you with nothing but respect. I cannot envision how anyone can share such time with someone and then try to harm them. Whatever my perceived transgressions to you...and I assure you that you are entirely deluded on that score...Seska chose her own destiny...what you are doing now is a thousand times worse. She's badly injured...get the medical kit. Show some compassion." 

Tagor grinned darkly. "Relax, I know what I'm doing. She won't die yet. Not for a long time. She'll slowly bleed to death and all you can do is watch." 

"You evil bastard!" Chakotay cried, attempting to spring forward again but checking himself as Tagor made a deliberate show of brandishing the bloodied knife before turning it back towards Kathryn. Chakotay fell back, another few inches nearer the rucksack. Tagor must be certifiably insane. 

Chakotay alternated between studying Kathryn and assessing his nemesis. Kathryn was in a bad way. There was blood everywhere, but the severe spurting had stopped. He feared some of her main organs might be damaged, but thought Tagor was probably telling the truth when he said he knew how to torture without risking immediate death. Most Cardassians he'd ever met did. 

Tagor had much to say on the subject of Seska's good qualities and Chakotay's evil behaviour in handing her over to the Kazon and while he seemed to blame her in part as well for Seska's eventual demise, he occasionally apologised to Kathryn for putting her through this. He'd enjoyed his time with her and didn't want to hurt her. He'd rather be doing this to a complete stranger. Chakotay decided the man was hardly rational. 

Kathryn, in her more lucid moments, berated him for his behaviour. He wouldn't get away with it. If he gave up now and went back to Cardassia, then he could live the rest of his life in peace. But Tagor had no intention of living the rest of his life in peace. He was going to take Chakotay down or die trying. 

Kathryn told him that neither Chakotay nor she had anything to do with Seska joining the Kazon, rather she had betrayed her friends and colleagues to them. Moreover, Seska had been alone with her Kazon friends on the ship at the moment of her death. 

Tagor wouldn't listen to reason. He had his own version of events and it really was no surprise that any other version was never going to be considered by the man. 

Kathryn also tried working through their time together, reminding him of the fun they'd had and all the great debates they'd had over the affairs of the universe. This did not move the man much either because he agreed with her whole-heartedly and then concluded that he was doing all this with a sense of regret. 

In her less lucid moments, Kathryn's head would loll back. He breathing would become laboured, her eyes would roll and groans of agony would form in her throat...sounds which she would fight to suppress when feeling more able. Chakotay was worried, deeply worried. He knew he had to try and stay calm, but he was so helpless in his current position, trussed as he was on the floor of the tent, opposite Tagor and Kathryn playing out their tableau of horror. The only kernel of hope lay in that rucksack. Three or four lunges forward had allowed him to reposition himself in front of the item in question. It had also resulted in more stab wounds to Kathryn's abdomen. He feared for her kidneys or other vital organs. 

The rucksack was right behind him, mercifully with the unopened pocket not far from his reach. He had to twist it into his grasp without Tagor noticing. It had to be done slowly, noiselessly. He knew he couldn't rush, however critical Kathryn's condition. To alert Tagor to what he was doing would be to lose their one tiny chance. 

The pocket came close to his hands and he was able to feel instantly what was contained within the pocket. It was Kathryn's phaser. It was a sheer miracle that Tagor hadn't found it. For a moment Chakotay's spirits lifted. They had a chance. But then the difficulty of extracting it from the bag behind his back with bound hands dawned on him. He wasn't going to give up. He'd been handed a slim chance and he was going to take it. 

It took him over thirty minutes of clandestine careful movements to finally extricate the phaser from the bag. It had taken almost all of his concentration to do it, but he was grateful for some distraction from Tagor's ranting. Kathryn had been quiet for a while, breathing a little more easily but perhaps semi-conscious. He counted that as a small mercy for the moment. When he finally felt the phaser in his hands, he felt a momentary surge of triumph. 

Reality set in however. He was now faced with the problem of what to do with it now that he had it. 

He immediately ruled out the possibility of phasering the rope off his wrists. For one, Tagor would hear and smell the searing of the rope and would be able to react with his knife or phaser far quicker than Chakotay would be free and certainly not before he would be in any position to return fire. Secondly, he would probably burn his hands...although that could not be helped. He would have to do so on the lowest setting or risk killing himself before he'd had a chance to help Kathryn. He had already decided that, if he got a chance to shoot at Tagor, he would shoot to kill. This man needed taken out instantly to ensure their freedom, if not their peace of mind for the rest of their lives. He knew that switching between power settings would waste valuable seconds. Without further hesitation, he ratcheted the phaser up to full power. 

He fleetingly wondered if, were he dead, Kathryn might be spared, but, even if she were, there would be no-one here to help her. This idea was dismissed fairly quickly. 

His wrists were bound tightly. Tagor knew what he was doing. He had the added difficulty of having his ankles bound also. His movements were severely restricted. Whatever he was going to do with the phaser, he was going to have to do it with his fetters in place. 

He wondered if he could shuffle his arms under his bottom and bring them forward, but he was a big man and lacked the gymnastic suppleness he would need for such a manoeuvre. If there were some young gymnastic cadets who could do such a thing, then he had never been a likely candidate. Besides, Tagor would stop him instantly. 

That left only one possibility. He was going to have to fire blindly and from behind his back. He knew he couldn't turn round without Tagor noticing it. Besides, he couldn't risk hitting Kathryn. So he was going to have to wait it out: till Tagor lost concentration, moved away from Kathryn or something. He had to be patient and wait for the right moment, no matter what transpired before. 

It had reached the mid-afternoon now. The temperature had risen substantially and the air inside the tent was oppressive. It was uncomfortable for him, agony for Kathryn. Both of them had perspiration on their brows. Chakotay felt the sweat trickling down his back. He was getting stiff from holding this position, but he did not want to shift too much in case it might send Tagor over to assess him. Cardassians were used to this level of heat. Tagor looked like he was relaxing on a cool summer's day. 

When Kathryn was alert once, he caught her eye. He tried to reassure her with his gaze. He tried to convey that he had her phaser in his hand and that she should hang on. They only needed to be patient. She read him correctly, he realised with relief. With a slight nod, her head sank back into the crook of Tagor's arm. She looked wretched: her nightdress was covered in blood. Her hair was matted and her lips parched, despite that Tagor had afforded her some sips of water, a privilege he had not granted Chakotay. 

They'd been there for eight hours, Chakotay calculated. His own concentration had wavered at times. He'd had to mentally kick himself to stay alert. Tagor's concentration had to be fluctuating too. For a while he'd stopped his assault on Kathryn. He seemed prepared to wait it out. He was in no hurry to complete his revenge. He'd gone quieter lately. Maybe he'd exhausted the topics he wanted to rant about. Chakotay hoped this meant the man was tiring, but it might only be a forlorn hope. Occasionally he caught the Cardassian looking at him with an amused grin. He was enjoying the game. 

Then a moment came when Tagor shifted. He dropped Kathryn onto the ground where she fell with a groan, and pulled himself to his feet. He said nothing, but glared at Chakotay. He lifted his phaser and waved it briefly at him before striding to Chakotay's left towards the opening of the tent. He was going to take a leak, Chakotay realised. This had to be his chance. He might not get another. 

This action took Tagor slightly behind Chakotay. Chakotay turned his head to assess Tagor's position. From here, Chakotay would only have to twist slightly to get a clean shot at the Cardassian. 

Tagor threw the knife vertically in the sand just outside the tent flap, retaining his own phaser in his left hand. His right hand went down to release his flies. As soon as Chakotay heard the stream of urine begin to hit the ground, he fired. Tagor never knew what had hit him. He was on the ground before the urine had finished flowing. 

"Rot in hell!" Chakotay cried. 


	15. Chapter 15

Chakotay struggled onto his feet, adrenaline and fury fuelling the energy necessary to propel him upwards. Thinking quickly, he flicked the phaser down to its lowest setting and burnt through his wrist ropes. It took a few seconds, burnt his hands and singed his sleeves. He had been right not to risk this while Tagor had been watching. He would have been caught for sure. He loomed over the body, whose feet lay still inside the tent and fired again at the middle of the man's back to be certain of no further threat. A dark bloody hole appeared. He fell instantly on Tagor and felt for a pulse. There was none. The only response was a brown trickle from the man's mouth. He'd seen enough dead Cardassians to be confident the man had gone to meet his maker. He glanced quickly at Kathryn...her eyes were wild and she needed help fast, but first he had to get out of the shackles on his legs. He pulled the knife from the ground and sliced through his ankle restraints. He launched towards Kathryn and sliced through her bindings too before laying her on her back. She was in a bad way, but she was still alive. 

"Is he dead?" she asked. 

"Yes. He can't hurt you anymore." 

"Good." She sucked in a painful breath. There was some bright red foam. Her right lung was clearly damaged. Some of the puncture wounds were deep. 

"Stay still. I'll go and get the med-kit." 

Chakotay launched himself out of the tent, through the gaping singed hole his phaser had burned, over the body of the Cardassian to the land cruiser parked a few yards away. He grabbed the med-kit from the rear, which was mercifully intact. He glanced quickly at the communications console, and decided as he had earlier, that it was unsalvageable. He'd check later, but he didn't hold out any hope. Tagor had done a proper job of wrecking their chances of escape. 

He grabbed the canister of water also. He knew both of them were dehydrated. Back inside the tent he sprang open the clasps on the med kit. He loaded a hypo-spray with analgesic and broad spectrum infection combatant and injected Kathryn. She rallied a little to his relief. He picked up the dermal regenerator and began working on some of her wounds. 

"Chakotay!" Kathryn managed breathlessly, "You're going to have to go deeper...stop some of the internal bleeding." 

He stared at her with little comprehension for a moment. "It's only a dermal regenerator. It'll only reach down a couple of centimetres at most." 

"I know. You're going to have to probe the wounds." 

"Kathryn...no...I..." he stopped. He knew she was right, but the thought of what she was asking him to do disturbed him greatly. 

"Right. Let's give the analgesic a moment to work." 

"No. No time." 

Chakotay nodded reluctantly. He gently lifted her nightdress...in places it was stuck to her body...and steeled himself for the horror beneath. They were a dozen stab wounds at least. A couple were just superficial. Others were dark and quiet and probably not of immediate concern. There were three very serious wounds with bright red blood still flowing. One near a lung with frothy red discharge, two in her abdomen. His initial assessment was that her heart was undamaged, away from any of the wounds, but that a lung might be punctured, possibly kidney or spleen damage. Her biggest problem was loss of blood. 

He probed the lung wound first...this was his biggest concern. Trying to be as gentle as possible he pulled apart the sides of the wound eliciting a renewed flow of blood. Kathryn gasped as his touch, but her eyes signalled for him to continue. He ran the regenerator over the wound, hoping it was penetrating far enough to achieve some benefit. It took a while, the thing was under-powered for such major surgery, but eventually the flow of blood ebbed and he could see some of the tissue knitting. He realised he had stopped the immediate internal loss of blood. There'd be some fluid on the lung...something he could do little about...but at least it wasn't still bleeding profusely. 

Kathryn was gritting her teeth and suffering stoically through most of his work. He probed the other two major wounds and a few of the minor ones before he sensed that the regenerator was losing power. In each case he was able to stop the major bleeding. If any organs were damaged, he had no idea. Her heartbeat was steady, even if her breathing was still laboured. 

Kathryn noticed through the haze of her pain that his hands had phaser burns and she insisted he heal his hands. 

"You need this more than me. My wounds aren't life-threatening." 

"You need your hands to fix me...and to fix the communicator." 

He hadn't the heart to tell her that he thought the communicator was irreparable. But she'd argued long and hard, and in the end he'd wasted valuable power on his own hands. The regenerator made short work of the burns, before he set back to work on her. There was no way that it was going to deal with the full extent of her wounds. He could only do what best he could before the power gave out and hope it was enough. 

When he had done all he could, he pulled her into his arms, gave her some water to drink and took some himself. 

He cradled her gently. "That's the best I can do. The regenerator's given up. I've stopped the worst of the bleeding. Now you've got to hold on for me, Kathryn. Fight this. Stay awake for me. Okay?" 

"Okay." 

"We're going to get out of here. Tom and B'Elanna will come. You've just got to hang on. I'm not leaving here without you. I love you." 

She nodded. "Love you too." 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, as he whispered every encouragement he could think of. 

"I have to go outside now. See if I can get the land cruiser working or the communications console. It's going to get dark soon......okay?" 

"Okay." 

"Be strong for me while I'm going. No going to sleep." 

"'Kay. No sleep." 

"Right." He kissed her on the forehead and laid her back down on some clean bedding. He found a pillow and covered her with a blanket before going outside. The light was beginning to fade and he would have to think of a way to seal up the tent. 

At the entrance, he dragged Tagor's body well away from the tent. They'd been sick of seeing the man's boots still sticking into the tent for a while, but moving the body had not been his top priority. 

He turned his attention to the cruiser. Too many circuits had been fried by Tagor's phaser. It wasn't going anywhere for a long time. Even if he had the necessary spare parts, the connections would be impossible to make. Tagor had seen to it that there would be no escape. Moreover, it would take him the best part of a week to walk back to the settlement for help, even if he made the foolhardy decision to leave Kathryn alone. 

The communication console had fared no better. He spent thirty desperate minutes scavenging for parts, anything that might get a signal out that they needed help, but there was too little to salvage to make any kind of beacon. 

He glanced around to see if he could see a ship or a vehicle that Tagor had used to get here, but could see none. He'd ask Kathryn in a minute. Maybe she knew how he'd come. He thought ruefully that his only option might be smoke signals...but since the Cardassian destruction of the planet, there would be nobody out here to see them. 

Which left B'Elanna and Tom and the others at the settlement. He was mentally calculating how long it would take them to realise they were missing. Three days was optimistic, four days more likely. He wasn't sure if Kathryn could last that long. 

He went inside and regretfully imparted the news about the communications console. Kathryn took the news stoically. He offered her more fluids, but he could not coax her to eat anything solid, which was probably wise anyway. He managed one ration bar while he quizzed her about Tagor's arrival. 

She was convinced he had beamed in. This suggested there was a Cardassian ship in orbit, but even if they could send up a plea for help, neither expected to be rescued...rather they had to be prepared if any people in league with Tagor beamed down. To that effect the laid out the phasers to be ready if needed. 

Chakotay cut up a section of the ground sheet and sewed up the gaping burn-hole in the door of the tent to keep them safe in the night. He also built a pile of rocks in the middle of the tent and warmed them with a phaser to ward off the increasing cold...they would not have other ways of keeping themselves warm tonight. 

He pulled Kathryn to him and wrapped themselves in the sleeping bag as the hunkered down for the longest most awful night of Chakotay's life. 

Kathryn drifted in and out of sleep, even though he tried to keep her talking. He was afraid that if she fell into unconsciousness, she might never wake again. He told her he loved her. He told her that if they got out of here, she was going to marry him. She didn't really have the strength to argue. 

He tried to stay awake and alert himself. He knew there could be dangers around. Nearing midnight, he heard the wild dogs sniffing around outside. He knew they were safe. He'd ensured the tent was sealed up and he had the phasers at his side. But he heard their dreadful howling and it chilled him to the bone. He heard the terrible ripping of flesh, of dogs fighting over a carcass. The noise grew more distant in time, but still echoed over the dry landscape. He was thankful that Kathryn slept through the hours of the fracas. 

In the morning when he emerged, Tagor was no more than a bloodied smear of entrails disappearing into the thickets behind the tent. It made Chakotay want to vomit, but he could not think of a more fitting end to such a vile man's life. 

He examined Kathryn anxiously. She was in a lot of pain and her temperature was rising. He was sure that she was fighting infection. He gave her a third dose from the hypospray. She desperately needed it, but he figured there might only be one or two doses left. She responded well and became quite lucid for a while. 

He got some fluids and nutrients into her with some difficulty. Nothing solid...if her digestive tract was damaged, they couldn't risk anything more. She wasn't interested in eating anyway. 

He ate another ration bar himself, unwilling to take his eye off Kathryn to cook anything more substantial. 

He cradled her, soothed her. He was fiercely worried that she wouldn't last long enough for rescue. 

He talked to her at length. He wasn't sure if he was right or not, but felt he should try to keep her conscious. 

"When we get out of here, you're going to marry me." 

"You're proposing now?" she replied sleepily. 

"If you recall, we've discussed this already. And you've been decidedly noncommittal. Since I've just saved your bacon, I think you owe me." 

"Hah! That's your payment?" 

"Mmm Hmm." 

"Some price tag." 

"Pretty good offer." 

"Not out of the woods yet." 

"No...but you're going to hang on. Do it for me. Then you can have the wedding of your dreams." 

"Lousy at weddings. You should try someone else." 

"I did and it was a disaster. What do you mean by lousy?" 

"Planned two...Justin and...Mark. Never made it as far as the ceremony." 

"You're going to make this one, promise me!" 

"Can't promise." 

"Promise me!" he insisted. "I'll plan it for you. You just have to turn up." 

"Okay. Have it your way." 

"That was a yes?" 

"Guess it was." 

"Tell me about the wedding you want. Big? Small?" Chakotay was trying to keep her talking. He did not know what else to do. His scans were indicating that she was becoming feverish. If he felt any elation at her capitulation, it was quickly squashed by concern for her life. 

"Don't know." 

"Well, think for me, will you?" 

"Well, I want family and some of our friends..." She trailed off. Talking was too much effort. "Tell me about it. I can't think." 

"Okay...we'll have your mom and Phoebe and the family...and Tom and B'Elanna, Harry, Sekaya, the Doc. Do you think Tuvok would come from Vulcan?" 

"He'd come." 

"What about Seven?" 

"I think she'd appreciate it." 

"Don't you think it might be awkward?" 

"I'm fine with it. I'm sure she would be. She barely appreciates when anything is awkward." Kathryn struggled over a couple of breaths. "She does wish you happiness, Chakotay. You'd be surprised." 

"Thought you were rather jealous of her." 

"Not anymore. After all, I'm getting to be your wife now. She had her chance." 

"And she blew it...and I for one will be eternally grateful. Because what I have now is a million times better." 

"Liar." 

"It's the truth." 

"I'm lying here half dead." 

"Ah well. I amend my last statement. As soon as we get out of here and you're well again, we can get married. And then what I'll have will be a million times better." 

"Mmm." 

"How does this sound? We'll find a nice spot at the top of a mountain...a barn or open air maybe. We'll have a picnic and champagne. You'll have a beautiful dress and put your hair up...nice and soft. Just the way I like it. Perhaps Naomi would be a flower girl. Then Phoebe has two boys, doesn't she?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, we'll find something for them to do. Ring-bearers. Ushers. Who shall we get to conduct the ceremony?" 

Her eyes were glazing over, but they refocused. "Maybe Owen." 

"Tom's dad?" 

"Yes." 

"Good. Then I'd tell you how much I loved you and how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You do know that, don't you?" 

"Yes." 

"And we'd have lots of food...strawberries, quiche, salmon, cheese, bread...lots of different salads...How does that sound?" 

"Perfect," she sighed. 

"Good. Shall we have music?" 

"We have to have music. Can't have a wedding without music." 

"Maybe Harry will bring the Kimtones." 

"Mmm." 

"So that's settled. Let's do it just as soon as you're well enough." 

"Chakotay...I might not make it." 

"Don't talk like that! I'm not going to hear it. You are going to make it. You're going to fight this. You're going to hold on for me." 

"I'm real sick. Hurts a lot." 

"I know it does, darling. But you are going to get through this. We're going to grow old together...surrounded by our family." 

"Huh! You're delusional." 

"No, I'm not. They're going to come for us. They'll fix you up and you'll be good as new. When we get you to hospital, we'll get your contraceptives counteracted." 

She almost managed a laugh. "Was right. You are after my ovaries." 

"What do you want? A boy or a girl?" 

"A boy with dark hair and chocolate brown eyes." 

"I was thinking a girl with red hair and freckles." 

She huffed. "We'll have to have two then." 

"Let's just start with one and see how it goes." 

"I got the Doc to check me...a few weeks ago. See what the chances were." 

"Oh?" Chakotay was really surprised. "What did he say?" 

"Pretty good. It's the 24th century after all." 

"See! What did I tell you?" 

"He wants a big hand in it, though." 

"Why am I not surprised?" 

"But that was before...Tagor...(she had difficulty even saying the word)...messed with my innards." 

"They'll put you back together. You'll be good as new, you'll see." Kathryn shifted in his arms with a moan of pain. "You've got to stop doing this to me, Kathryn. My poor heart won't take it." 

"You think I asked that evil bastard to do this?" 

"No...I think it's my fault." 

"It's not your fault. He and Seska both...they were twisted." 

"It was my fault for getting involved with Seska in the first place. They were both evil, manipulative, sadistic. How did we both fall under their spell?" 

"Because they were masters at deception. I never saw anything bad about Lars until you...and then I didn't believe you." 

She lapsed into silence for a few minutes, while he stroked her forehead tenderly. He really was worried, but trying not to let it show. They'd had the discussion about how long it would take B'Elanna and Tom to realise that they were missing, and they both knew she probably hadn't got the strength to last that long. 

As that day wore on, she got steadily worse and Chakotay became more and more alarmed. He tried to stay calm for her sake. He soothed her and talked to her. Sometimes she began to ramble deliriously. More and more she was quiet, and at these times his fear was deepest. By the evening, she was barely able to string a sentence together and much of what she said was incoherent. 

As the light faded she spoke her last coherent words. "I'm sorry, Chakotay." She lifted a weak hand and drew one finger down the side of his face. 

"You have nothing to be sorry about." 

"Yes I have. I kept us apart too long. I wasted too much time. If I hadn't held onto my stupid pride...I didn't let the hurt heal..." 

"Shh! I had a hand in keeping us apart too. We're together now. That's all that matters." 

"Too little time..." 

"You're going to get well. They're going to come for us. Then we'll have all the time in the world." 

She gave a small smile. "I love you..." 

"I love you too...and I'm never going to tire of telling you." 

"Good." 

Her hand fell and she slipped semi-conscious again. Chakotay's eyes welled up and he desperately brushed away the tears from his cheeks before they fell on her. 

Another long harrowing night passed. The dogs sniffed again outside the tent, but seemed to lose interest when they failed to find any carrion. Chakotay kept the phasers at his side, in case there was any breach of their territory. 

Once or twice his head drooped and he fell asleep. He could not fight the terrible exhaustion completely. After only a few minutes, his frantic mind would jerk him awake. For a moment he'd be disorientated, guilty that he'd slept on watch. Instantly, he'd check Kathryn's pulse...it was growing steadily weaker. She was clammy and a terrible colour. Her hair was a matted mess. The hypospray that might have given her some hope had long since been exhausted. 

The minutes seemed to drag by like hours. He was continually checking the time. The dawn crept up desperately slowly. He felt her pulse again, sighing in relief when it was still there. But he seriously doubted she could survive another night, let alone the two that might be needed for rescue to come. He tried hard not to give in to the hopelessness. 

He'd held her lifeless body before. It had been an experience he had never wanted to repeat. It had been too traumatic to dwell on, and for weeks after he'd fought to push it out of his mind. He'd loved her then, but he'd not made love with her. This time was going to be so much worse. 

They'd only been together, in the full sense of the word for twelve days. He could hardly credit that might be all they'd ever have....something so special snuffed out when it had only just blossomed. Did the universe have something against him? Did everyone he ever loved have to be snatched away from him? Did everything that was ever good in his life have to be destroyed? He cried out to the powers of the universe for help. 

* * *

The sun got up and the temperature rose alarmingly. He dozed again....he only caught snatches. He was trying very hard to stay awake in case Kathryn needed anything. A strange noise disturbed him. His eyes opened briefly, and, as he dismissed it as his imagination, closed again heavily. 

"Chakotay? Kathryn? Are you there?" 

It was his name. It wasn't Kathryn's voice. She wouldn't call out _Kathryn_. It was someone else's. 

The tent started to rip open and he jerked awake, reaching for a phaser. As soon as B'Elanna's beautiful face appeared in the gap, he let it drop in relief. 

Quickly, he felt for Kathryn's pulse and found it was still there...just. 

"Are you.. Kayless, what happened?" B'Elanna was deeply shocked by the sight of Chakotay cradling a pale Kathryn caked in dried blood. 

"Tagor stabbed her," Chakotay explained, fixing B'Elanna with an anguished gaze. "She's in a bad way. Lost a lot of blood. She needs medical help. Don't think she's going to last much longer." 

B'Elanna bent momentarily over Kathryn to take in the veracity of Chakotay's assessment and knew he hadn't exaggerated. 

"Where's Tagor now?" 

"Dead...ripped in pieces by the hessayot dogs." 

"Fitting." She stood. "Tom's outside. He's just powering down the shuttle. We'll get the med-kit." 

She dashed back outside straight away. This was no time for explanations. Kathryn needed treatment urgently, if she was to survive. 

"Tom! Tom! Get here quickly! Kathryn's badly hurt." 

Tom stopped in his tracks. He had just exited the shuttle. Seeing the desperation on his wife's face, he turned and dove back in to grab the med-kit. It was a more substantial one than had been in Kathryn and Chakotay's cruiser, being designed to provide for people travelling across space for weeks. 

Tom was a little rusty with his medical knowledge. It had been a while since he had practised any treatment, but he knew enough. Bounding through the entrance to the tent that B'Elanna had slit open, he did his best to hide his immediate horror at the scene before him. 

Adrenaline kicked in and he bent down to assess his patient. The tricorder showed him its worst, the hyposprays flew and Tom's face was a picture of concentration. 

Minutes later, he looked at Chakotay solemnly. 

"I've stabilised her for now. Heartbeat's stronger, blood pressure improving, but she's still very sick. Her right lung, kidney and small intestine are severely damaged. We need to get her to a medical centre straight away, or she won't make it." 

Chakotay nodded. He knew this without being told. 

Tom drew himself up to his full height and stood next to B'Elanna. "I'm going to transport her to the shuttle and check her over more thoroughly. There's a service medical kit aboard. If I can make her a bit more comfortable, she'll stand a better chance." 

"Okay." 

Tom left the tent for the shuttle and B'Elanna in a long practised ritual which had needed no explanation, placed her own commbadge on Kathryn. 

"Are you injured?" B'Elanna asked Chakotay. 

"Only my hands. The regenerator coped with that." 

"You look awful." 

"I haven't slept...barely eaten..." 

"I'll get you something when we're on the shuttle." 

"Pass me the water." 

B'Elanna did and he slaked the thirst he'd barely realised he had. 

Putting it down, he felt Kathryn's pulse again and realised Tom had told the truth. Her heartbeat was a little stronger. 

His worried eyes met B'Elanna's. 

"She's got a chance now," B'Elanna encouraged. 

Kathryn then shimmered out of sight. Tom had transported her to the shuttle. B'Elanna held out a hand to help him up. 

Chakotay began to walk stiffly to the entrance to the tent, leaning on B'Elanna for support. 

"Anything of value here?" B'Elanna asked, casting her eyes around the tent. 

"Can't think....no...well maybe a couple of padds." 

"I'll come back in a minute to check, if there's time. Probably scene of crimes will want to take a look." 

"You'll have to seal the door, or the dogs will get in." 

B'Elanna glanced at him to see if he was serious, but quickly realised he was. 

They hobbled out into the fierce sunlight and Chakotay blinked. The fresh air he'd expected was fetid, and as they started towards the shuttle and moved past the land cruiser, he tried not to look at the bloodied entrails that were the cause of the stench. 

"How did you find us? We didn't think you'd realise anything was up for another day or so." 

"Tom ran scans from the shuttle and detected residual Cardassian warp signatures...from a ship in orbit two or three days ago. It had gone but there's no reason for a Cardassian ship to have been there, except for nefarious business. We were immediately concerned for your safety. We spent hours trying to contact you ...but we couldn't raise you. It set the alarm bells ringing. We felt sure you'd have responded to at least one of our hails, if everything had been okay. So we set out in the shuttle. It's taken a while to find you." 

"Thank God you came when you did. I think she was only hours from death." 

"Tom will stabilise her...and we'll get her to DS9...unless there are any nearer Federation ships. Is there even a hospital on Dorvan?" 

"There is, but they can only deal with minor traumas. They'd have to send her off planet anyway. If Tom can get her stabilised, we'll go straight there." 

He dragged himself up the ramp of the shuttle, with B'Elanna's support and they found Tom working over Kathryn. 

"She's stabilising. I've attached a respirator to help her breathing. We need to get her straight to a hospital facility. She needs surgery urgently. If we can get her there still alive, they'll almost certainly be able to save her. Too bad we don't have a stasis unit." 

"It's over two days to DS9," Chakotay said desperately. 

Tom glanced at B'Elanna who had already made her way to the helm. "Send out a distress signal. There might be a Federation ship nearer." 

"B'Elanna!" Chakotay stayed her with a firm voice. "Scan for Cardassian ships first. We don't want to let the wrong people know where we are." 

B'Elanna sat down at the console and pressed a few controls. "No sign of Cardassian ships...just the trail that's three days old. They went to warp." She looked up. "They're gone." 

"Federation ships?" asked Chakotay hopefully. 

After a few moments of checking, B'Elanna shook her head sadly. 

Tom looked up from his work on Kathryn. "Let's get going! If we hit maximum warp, we can maybe cut it down to forty hours. We'll be breaking speed protocols...but..." 

"I'll take the rap. If we have to break a few Federation rules to keep her alive, I don't think anyone's going to argue." 

"Someone's going to have to take the conn. I've got my hands full," said Tom. 

"I'll do it," said Chakotay, moving forward. 

"You're exhausted!" protested B'Elanna. 

"B'Elanna, go seal the tent. You've got two minutes!" Chakotay ordered. 

B'Elanna momentarily raised her eyebrows at the switch of Chakotay into command mode, then she dashed past him and out the back of the shuttle. 

Chakotay sat in the pilot's seat to prepare for launch. He was exhausted and he intended to hand back over to B'Elanna as soon as they were under way. They were going to make it to DS9 in forty hours come hell or high water, and if any ship showed up because they were violating Federal law, then he wouldn't care. They'd most likely have a fully equipped sickbay on board. 

"Can you keep her alive forty hours?" Chakotay asked Tom. 

"I'm a little rusty." 

"Some of that stuff Doc taught you must have stuck." 

"Forty hours? Forty-five's pushing our luck. But forty..." He looked up at Chakotay with the boyish gleam that so often filled his eyes. "Forty we can do. You perform your miracle...get us there in forty hours...and I'll do my damnedest to do mine." 


	16. Chapter 16

Epilogue

March 2380

Dorvan V

  


Chakotay felt a rush of tenderness as he looked down at the red head sleeping in his lap. She was utterly exhausted and had been leaning heavily into him for quite a while before he encouraged her to lie down. 

She pulled her stockinged feet up on the bench...there was just enough spare room...and gave in to the exhaustion. Her outrageously uncomfortable wedding shoes had been abandoned on the floor and he smiled to himself as he remembered her once complaining that she didn't want to be his comfortable pair of shoes. The heels were enormous. He didn't know how she'd managed to walk down the aisle in them. 

He twiddled his fingers through her hair...an action he was rather fond of doing. He'd so nearly lost this woman yet again. She could be stubborn and exasperating...but she could be loving and generous. And she was every bit the passionate lover he'd imagined. He knew all the facets of Kathryn Janeway, and he loved every one of them. 

As Kathryn had once predicted, he'd been offered the Captaincy of Voyager as she was being prepared for a return to the Delta Quadrant as part of a fleet of ships. Now he'd got a ring on her finger, he certainly wasn't going to be accepting, unless Kathryn came with him. It was entirely likely that she would be offered the position of Admiral of the Delta Quadrant fleet. They were biding their time, though. Both of them knew they were the best people for the job, and they could afford to wait for Starfleet to offer them the best possible terms. They certainly weren't going to let Starfleet separate them ever again and at last they were both prepared to put their own interests first. 

It was tempting to encourage Kathryn to stay tied safely to a desk at HQ and to keep his own cosy seat at the Academy, but there was no such thing as safe, as the last few weeks had shown, and he couldn't keep this vivacious woman wrapped in cotton wool. She was born to fly. There were lots of things to consider as he weighed up his opportunities, not least of which was keeping his new family as safe as possible. At least Tagor and Seska were beyond hurting them again, and it was a relief to discover there were no more siblings to plot their revenge. 

The hovercar hummed soothingly as they returned to San Francisco. It was late now and the windows just showed the blackness of night. They'd been dancing for hours with family and friends. Beside him sat Phoebe, Kathryn's sister, and one of her sons. Beyond that Gretchen and her man friend. Sitting in a line on the opposite seat were B'Elanna, Tom, with their daughter Miral fast asleep in his arms, Phoebe's husband and other son, Owen Paris and his wife. Everyone was exhausted after hours of celebrations. 

B'Elanna was grinning at him, as if she couldn't believe the lack of decorum her former captain was displaying, but secretly pleased that she felt relaxed enough in their company now to let down her guard. Chakotay couldn't help smiling back. It had been the happiest day of his life. 

"She's still recovering then?" B'Elanna mouthed at him. Poor B'Elanna had worried for weeks with the rest of their former crew about Kathryn's health. 

He glanced down at his wife of ten hours. They'd had the mountain top wedding he'd promised her, with the incredible view, the champagne wedding breakfast and the beautiful clothes. Harry had even supplied the music, but they'd had to have it indoors in a fabulous mountain resort because of the biting March wind. Luckily, it was out of ski-season in the Southern hemisphere, so they'd had the place more or less to themselves and no media intrusion either. 

It was three months since their terrible ordeal on Dorvan, but the doctors at DS9 had fixed her up really well. They'd made it to DS9 in thirty-nine and half hours, which must be something of record. On arrival she'd had lengthy surgery, but once the wounds had be worked over by a more powerful regenerator and she'd been given the full medical attention she had so desperately needed, she'd recovered quickly. Modern medicine had worked yet another miracle. He was so grateful to B'Elanna and Tom too for all they'd done...because without them she wouldn't be here now. 

No, she was exhausted for an entirely different reason. In the end, it had only taken minimal medical intervention. Even so, they had never expected it to happen so quickly, especially considering her recent ordeal. Chakotay was counting it as yet another miracle: a little ahead of schedule, but a delight nonetheless. 

They'd been intending to keep it quiet for a while longer. They were just enjoying getting used to the idea themselves. But everything was proceeding well and Tom already knew anyway. He still had an annoying habit of brandishing a medical tricorder on occasions, especially if his friends looked a little peaky. 

Chakotay met B'Elanna's gaze and couldn't help the euphoric grin from spreading on his face. He hoped Kathryn wouldn't be cross with him for letting the cat out of the bag. 

"Actually, she's pregnant," he announced to a stunned audience. 


End file.
